I feel you clearly have a lot of personal insight. I think self awareness is a beautiful quality...good on you for reaching out here.
It sounds rough with your partner being away, and the counselling service being closed for Christmas. I wonder if it feels as though you’re being left to fend for yourself, so to speak (not literally of course), which is triggering the feelings of abandonment that you mentioned...
Your anxiety, as you said, is intense and overwhelming. I think it can be a little tricky to understand anxiety and depression unless a person has experienced it firsthand. I feel some things are a little tricky to grasp from a “bystander” perspective. Not impossible though, but maybe just a little challenging...
I think with anxiety, mindfulness activities tend to help. I suppose, to an extent, anxiety predominantly stems from either ruminations about the past or fears for the future. Anxiety is rooted in the past and future. Thus, it makes sense to try to counter it by trying to bring our minds and sense into the here and now (present) e.g. through breathing exercises, mindfulness activities, etc.
Actually, I was thinking that you might find a certain BeyondBlue thread helpful. It’s called self help tips for managing anxiety.
It’s full of suggestions by various BeyondBlue members, including various mindfulness and grounding ideas (plus much more). So maybe if you skim read, you will find some helpful tips. If you’re interested, the easier way to find it is to type the name of the thread in the BeyondBlue search bar.
I hope you keep talking here if you find that helpful. I know this Christmas/New Year period is especially difficult for you, but there are many caring people here who would love to gently support you.
Kind thoughts to you today,