Welcome here and don't worry your post mkaes perfect sense, it paints a clear picture. You can talk here as much and as often as you like, you will never be judged, too many of us here have lived though hard times and know how it really is.
You have times when you seem more happy than you'd expect, nothing has happened to make you feel that way but you do anyway.
Also there is the opposite, times when you hate how you look, what will happen in the future. Again seems to be no reason.
Actually I will ask, does anyone actually criticize you, someone who says your body is not right or similar?
You talk a lot about fault, and not opening up. Having a mask that suites the situation. It's not fault at all, it's a defense.
I did that for ages, and in the short term it keeps intrusive questions away and allows life to go on more or less as normal. Over time however it is not good. I started to feel more and more isolated, that if I had to hide the true me then that hidden me must be horrible. Plus the longer the delay the more treatment I needed.
I never got better until I had the proper medical help, and that starts with an an extended visit to your GP and describing exactly what is happening to you - then you see what happens. If you think it a good idea write it all down in point form first and share the paper -you won't leave anything out that way.
Weakness simply does not come into it, try a tooth-ache or getting diabetes, seeing a doctor or dentist is not weak, it is common sense. Same here, something needs adjusting so you see the professional
There is no reason why you cannot live a better, happier life, it just needs you to start down the path
I'd like it if you talked some more