Online forum 

These forums are a place where you can ask other young people advice on dealing with tough times and share your advice on what has worked for you. Please remember that it does not replace professional advice.

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

You should also have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online communityLogin to post


Topic: Too ugly to be loved

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. SleepingUgly
    SleepingUgly avatar
    3 posts
    3 June 2014

    Hi everyone,

    I am just here to vent, I don't have anyone to talk to in real life but I need to put it out there. I am too ugly to be loved. I have gone my whole life (I am 20) without a single guy ever caring about me. It is one of the most simple things in life, something the average 14 year old has: a relationship. But I am too ugly for any man to accept, I will never be good enough. It is just so hard because I didn't choose my appearance, I cry every day because it is so unfair that I am missing out on the joys of life because of it. I will never know love and will never get to be a mother. All because of something I didn't choose: my face. What makes it even harder is that one of my best friends who I live with is beautiful. She always has guys wanting her, she has had more boyfriends than I can count. It's not fair. The only guy in my life who has ever come close to loving me wanted her more, he just had to settle for me because she wasn't single. Before we started dating he would tell me he didn't want a relationship with me, but that my friend was so beautiful and amazing and he wished she was single. After 6 months of this I had enough and said I can't keep up the friends-with-benefits relationship we had and he settled for me. He was too embarrassed to hold my hand in public though, or even to tell anyone we were dating. He also cheated on me regularly. I stayed with him because I thought if I broke up with him, who else would want me? No one. Which turned out to be true after we broke up a year ago. Nobody wants me.

    I need some tips on how to keep going through life without love. How else can I be happy?

  2. JessF
    JessF avatar
    61 posts
    3 June 2014 in reply to SleepingUgly

    Goodness me, Sleeping, it's very sad to read that you have written off your whole life and chances of happiness at a mere 20 years of age.  Maybe it's because I am a little (who am I kidding a lot!) older than you and I know what it feels like to think you are the last one on the shelf.  

    As women being hung up about the way we look comes with the territory, we are exposed to so many damaging messages and photoshopped pictures in the media that we have a false idea of beauty. It distorts the way we think about ourselves and lowers our self esteem.  It can force us into making poor decisions, and in settling for second best.

    And reading the story of you and your ex boyfriend above, that is what I feel you did. You said he was settling for you, no no no, it was the other way around. The man is a selfish, narcissitic jerk and you are lucky to be rid of him.

    I'm not going to lie and say that looks don't make a difference in this world, but it is also true that your personality and confidence are also a big part of what makes you attractive to others, and that's not just to men, but in terms of making friends, getting the job you want, even managing to haggle a discount in a shop when you're buying something.

    As long as you are so down on yourself, and constantly compare yourself with others (like your 'beautiful' friend) then you will continue to feel stuck like this.  

    If you concentrate on being the best person you can possibly be and stay true to the values that you want to live by, love and relationships will grow from that. Trust me on this.  It is a cliche, but a true one, that love comes when you least expect it and usually when you are not looking for it.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. SleepingUgly
    SleepingUgly avatar
    3 posts
    3 June 2014 in reply to JessF
    Thank you so much for your kind reply Jess, it made me feel a lot better. I will read it every day to try to stay hopeful that my future isn't as bleak as it seems. I was afraid people would just see me as a dumb girl who wants a boyfriend, but I really do feel very low at the moment and you'll never know how much your words have helped me. Thank you.
  4. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    313 posts
    3 June 2014

    Dear Sleeping

    I'm so pleased that your first reply to your post was by Jess.  She is a wonderful person who has knowledge and experience and her responses have always been full great advice.  I do like your attitude to re-read Jess's response.

    I'm a ahh, would you count one year off 50 as being middle aged - oh good, thank you for agreeing with me - I'm a middle aged guy, only 49 and a little bit, going on 28.  :)

    As Jess mentioned, my dear girl, you are just 20 - and you've got so so much in front of you.  Ok, that's possibly a cliché, but it's true - if I knew at 20 what I know now, I would have just settled back and been a lot less of a stressed youngster - hoping for this, wishing for that - when as an older person, I realised that things just do happen.  I probably wouldn't have as many damn grey hairs as I do now, if I didn't stress as much at that age.

    May I ask, do you work or are you studying at the moment?

    I'm so proud of you to hear that you got rid of that jerk who you were with - very similar sentiments to Jess.

    You say you didn't choose your face - well, that's a gender thing but it does not change who you are - who you are inside.  I so hope that is right, because I was bitten by a dog when I was 2yo and have lived with a mouth that is not the same as everyone else's since then.  I've got to where I am now and am still going ok I guess.   Doesn't mean though that I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up, but hey, we can't have everything.

    One last thing as Jess said, try not to compare yourself, say to your friend, and also just because she's possibly attracting others, does that mean that she's happy?  And with relationships as well - there are a lot of people out there who are in relationships who are struggling with their own lives.

    Just take things along slowly - I guess you have been - but I hope you know what I mean.  I've asked about work or study.  May I ask also if you've got interests/hobbies that you enjoy?   Music, movies, books, etc?  Would be just nice to know if you've got certain things that you do find enjoyment with?

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

  5. SleepingUgly
    SleepingUgly avatar
    3 posts
    3 June 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil, thanks so much for your reply! I feel better realising that I am still young, even if it seems like I am running out of time. My friend is really happy, she has a great guy in her life and everyone loves her. I'm happy for her of course but I am jealous that I can't have what she has. Especially when she has not been at all sympathetic towards my problems.

    I am pretty busy, when I'm not at uni I'm at work. I think my busy lifestyle is why I've been more down and stressed than usual, but it is good to have something constructive to do that is hopefully leading towards a good future. I don't really have time for hobbies unfortunately but I do enjoy reading when I can, I'm reading the hobbit at the moment and really enjoying it.

    I'm sorry about the dog attacking you, that is an awful thing to happen, I hope that you are still happy because you sound like a really lovely person.

  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    894 posts
    4 June 2014 in reply to SleepingUgly

    dear Sleeping, thanks for posting here on this site.

    I just love the comments by Jess and Neil and what they have said has given you a big boost.

    I will keep my reply short and sweet, just like you are, maybe not short but definitely sweet.

    Your girlfriend who everybody wants to date, and who is apparently beautiful, well do you know that her life will be broken many times, and she will go through so many boyfriends and probably married multiple times, only because boys just want to date her for obvious reasons, and to hold her on a leash when married, I really pity her husband who will have his hands full, and compare this to you, well you will be a dedicated, honest, trust and worthy wife, and yes it will happen, because there's always someone for everybody.

    Please trust me, you have my word. L Geoff. x

  7. Kapster
    Kapster avatar
    1 posts
    4 June 2014 in reply to SleepingUgly

    Hi Sleeping,

    I'm new here and just read your post. You really need to start believing in yourself, a great way to feel better and to get yourself feeling more positive is to get out there in the sunshine , go for a walk and clear your mind ( well it works for me ).

    I think everyone's worst critic is themselves, stop worrying and try to get on with life , make yourself #1 and stop worrying about what others are thinking.

    Hang in there and I'm sure your dreams will come true.

     

  8. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    313 posts
    4 June 2014

    Hey Sleeping

    Thank you for responding back with your kind reply and your really nice words you wrote about me.  Thank you. 

    Ok ok, we’ve got some good things happening here and whoa, you are one busy girl.  (Too busy for a relationship, me thinks – said with tongue in cheek Sleeping – said with tongue in cheek and a cheeky wink ;)

    But yes, a busy lifestyle can have benefits but also drawbacks as I guess you’re experiencing.  But for as long as you’re able – try to continue keep on doing the same things.  And as you say, it’s all constructive things that you’re doing – good positive things – and you just never EVER know what is around the next corner.  

    Oh Sleeping – your time isn’t running out my dear – quite the opposite – you’ve just finished off going to school and all that relates to that.  But now, as you know, you’ve got a place of your own (a share place, but you’re out there living in the big wide world – and that’s not meant to be anything else but just explaining where you’re at at the moment) and as a result of this;  you’ve got a job;  you’re doing Uni and study to even further better yourself.  And on top of this, you’re just 20.  Time isn’t running out – you’ve got so many things to experience and believe me, you cannot expect to have them all completed by the time you’re 23 or 24yo. 

     I LOVED your sentence that ended:  “… that is hopefully leading towards a good future.”   BRILLIANT stuff – keep on with these positive thoughts.

    I am a little disappointed in your ‘friend’ who as you say hasn’t been very sympathetic to you – that’s nothing bad about you Sleeping, it is the bad thing for your friend.  That IS a shame that she’s not more supportive – but maybe she just has her head in the clouds, while she looks in the mirror at herself.  I’m just saying.  :)

     The Hobbit – JRR Tolkein –  a brilliant read;  great book.   Though I haven’t taken up the challenge to read Lord Of The Rings – watching the movies is enough for me on that.  Did you see the Hobbit movie??

     I hope you are able to get back here if you ok to do so.  You’ve already drummed up a number of wonderful responses and that’s what’s amazing about this site.  So much incredible support.

    Cheers

    Neil

  9. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    473 posts
    4 June 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi SU,

    I'm 58yo guy and had some hangups when younger. So I kind of know what yuo are feeling.

    It is my opinion that males dont mature until they are in their 30's. Only then do they look for a girl that is intelligent, warm hearted, creative and her own person. We cant all be celeb's in looks. But we can develop ourselves to become truly wonderful and attractive people.

    So my advice is to concentrate on your career, your hobbies (as mentioned) and find things that you enjoy in life. 

    Funny, there is a show on TV at the moment called House rules. There are 6 men and 6 women. You could say that 4 of the women are attractive in the traditional sense thru guys eyes. One of the remaining women is not so attractive but bubbly and fair dinkum- she is her own self.  I told my wife which of all 6 of them I found is closest to my choice if I was single and she got a shock. And when one of the pretty ones started crying which one went to her aid?  The one I reckon was a good catch. So in respect to guys tastes most people think its the model type we like best...maybe when real young but not so as we age.

    Believe in yourself. Find your inner personality and make it shine, appreciate your uniqueness and love it, cradle your heart and run with it into the sunlight of confidence. Then things will work out for you.

  10. EmmaP
    EmmaP avatar
    3 posts
    4 June 2014 in reply to SleepingUgly

    Hi Sleeping,

    I'm so glad that the above people have responded to you. They are all so supportive and active in this community, its so great to know that so many people care! Well done for being so brave by jumping on here.

    I am a huge believer in the fact that there is the perfect soul mate out there for everyone. I am also a huge believer that everyone is beautiful, even if its not the 'social standard', which all lets admit, is a bit warped. I am also a huge believer in karma and beauty shines from the inside and confidence.

    What I'm trying to say is run your own race. Don't be like everyone else. Be unique because you are unique. Be confident in yourself and it will shine through. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel good, like painting your nails, or having a bath, or getting a new haircut. For me, it was finding the pin up/rockabilly style that made me feel beautiful because I was able to celebrate my curves, be different, play with hair and makeup and wear cool clothes. I found that I could be beautiful in my own unique way and develop my style so I was happy, not society's views. Sure I get funny looks when I walk down the street, but I believe its because I'm different and that they are admiring.

    Your friend- it is a shame she is not supportive of you. The guy, well he is an idiot for losing you and you deserve much better. I'm sure that the perfect person will fall right in your lap when you least expect it! You are still young and have so much to do and experience. Enjoy being single and beautiful, because you are!

    As we say in the pin up world... Chin Up Pin Up! x

  11. luft_
    luft_ avatar
    1 posts
    30 July 2014 in reply to SleepingUgly

    Hello Sleeping,

    Let me start off by telling you that I have never seen a physically ugly person. I don't believe there is such a thing and if they exists, I have not come across this person! Everyone is born with their own set of aesthetics, which are as pleasing to the eye as the next person. Our society is obsessed with what is a very narrow conception of beauty, and to me it is ridiculous because I believe a society should celebrate all kinds of diversity. So let me just say, I don't think you are ugly at all.

    On the other hand, I have come across many people with ugly souls and your ex-partner sounds like he was one. There is no time for people like that, they have a very limited view of the world and frankly it's boring!

    The way I see it is like art. The example I use may require google. I want you to look up 'Camille Pissarro, Cowherd'. The images that come up will be quite pretty, quite picturesque but not necessarily that interesting or engaging. The same thing goes with our society, we can be obsessed with the picturesque. Advertising agencies utilise a standard look when choosing a model, and by and large it doesn't challenge.

    Next art work to look up, Weeping Woman by Picasso. There is nothing picturesque about this painting. Has this had any affect on the painting's success? Definitely not! It is considered one of the most beautiful paintings yet to exist. It challenges you, and there is nothing bland about it.

    The way you look is entirely your own, you do not have to be picturesque to be beautiful, it comes from within :)

    I want to add quickly, I am a few years older than you (24) and I suppose I am considered stereotypically attractive , however this has no baring at all on my happiness, particularly my romantic happiness. I have never had a fulfilling relationship when it has been based solely on a male's attraction to how I look. I have been discarded countless times by men who were only interested in a trophey. The only love I have ever received is because of my personality. 

    Chin up, you are very beautiful and have so much to be proud of - I hope university goes well for you - that is a huge achievement :)

    Good luck

    xx


     

     

  12. Qq
    Qq  avatar
    1 posts
    2 September 2019
    To the OP
    Let me tell you something.
    Happiness comes from within . Be at peace with yourself and hold your head up high. Be genuinely happy with who you are...and then watch how the entire world will want to associate themselves with you.