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Topic: The Dark. Though pointless, writing this made me feel better

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. bootstrapparadox
    bootstrapparadox avatar
    1 posts
    4 May 2020

    Sometimes, I’m afraid of the dark. And that’s okay. But today, right now, I’m not. Frankly? That’s not okay.

    Usually, the dark scares me, a lot. I walk quickly to my room when I’m the last one awake, the one who has to turn the lights off. I walk so quickly in fact, I almost start running. I read somewhere that people are afraid of the dark because humans have a natural fear of the unknown, but here’s the thing, you aren’t actually afraid of the dark, you aren’t actually afraid of anything, you are only afraid of the consequence that comes with it which is, of course, being out of control, being hurt or dying. You aren’t afraid of heights, you’re afraid of what happens when you hit the ground, you aren’t afraid of spiders, you’re afraid of what they might do to you, and if you’re afraid of death? Congratulations! You value self-preservation which is, of course, a good thing.

    Fear is a superpower. so then what happens when it all of a sudden turns off? I just don't care anymore. I am no longer afraid of disappearing. In fact, I welcome it. I'm writing this in the dark.

    Depression for me is never just one thing. It’s multiple things, but they’re small things. Maybe there's a bigger issue at the core but what pushes me to the edge are the small bits that build up. It’s someone accidentally stepping on my foot, slamming the door in my face, or forgetting my name. These tiny details build up into a big ball and when the moment comes, I break. The big ball explodes and the little specks of unpleasantries stick themselves around my mind making me remember every single reason why I’m intolerable. That’s not to say that people can’t make small accidents like calling me Clare instead of Sarah, because they happen all the time and it’s completely fine. But I don’t understand how something so small can have such a large impact or why I can take them so personally sometimes.

    But at the end of the day, when rational thinking comes back into view, I once again remember why I’m here. Just because I am. I have one job to do and that is simply just, exist. I know that nothing lasts forever, which is completely true. whether it be the grocery store or the sun, time will outlive us all. So I know this empty feeling will wash away when the time is right. This will always be a part of my life but I know that it’ll always eventually go away. Only then will my fear of the dark return and only then will I turn on the light.


  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    2216 posts
    5 May 2020 in reply to bootstrapparadox
    Hey bootstrapparadox,

    Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling quite low at the moment, but please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged between 5 and 25. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

    We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
  3. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    247 posts
    5 May 2020 in reply to bootstrapparadox

    Hi bootstrapparadox

    Welcome to the forums, we are happy to have you!

    As Sophie_M says, along with with reaching out to KidsHelpline, we are happy to hear your thoughts- we are a caring space. We can chat here, if you like. You are not alone, we all have thoughts like this sometimes- seeking out community can help us navigate them and work out what they mean for us- just be gentle with yourself in during this process. Up to you if you want to reach out- we are here.

    Sending kindness,

    Tay100.