Alright this will be
the first time I am admitting any of this to anyone; I'll try to keep it short
Quick note, I am 21
years old and am currently into the third year of my Uni degree.
For the longest time
I have always prided myself on being able to keep my emotions in check.
Throughout my school life, I never let myself get stressed or upset and was
able to suppress those upsetting feelings and push through the intense pressure put on me to do well in school. However, I
think this coping mechanism backfired on me.
As of late, I have
been dealing with feelings of emotional emptiness. Since my parents messy
divorce early last year, I have noticed that I constantly shut down
emotionally. My mum cried constantly for the first 6 months after the
separation, and I know it sounds horrible but I couldn't help but feel
uncomfortable when she cried and vented her frustrations out to me. I almost
resented her for it, getting irritated whenever she got upset or mentioned my
dad in anyway. Now that I think of it, I have a tendency to avoid any situation
where others are upset, or even situations that I think may make me upset.
Currently, I just
feel empty all the time, like my ability to regulate my emotions has become so
profound that I hardly feel them at all. I now have no motivation to hang out
in social situations with friends, and even when I do, the happiness and excitement
I know I should be feeling are dulled. I think numb is the most accurate word
for it. Like I constantly have a barrier up.
And the only
feelings that really do break through is anger. While I can usually hold back
my frustration and irritation in public and with friends, I tend to lash out at
home. I've been told by my mum and brother that they think I have 'anger
management problems' on numerous occasions. I just don't know what I'm experiencing or whether it is normal.
I don't feel sad, depressed, or empathy, and I don't feel anxiety, or when I do, it is
dull and I can ignore it fairly easily.
I think one of the
worst parts of it all is that I'm so good at pretending be happy, or care, or
even be upset, that no body can even tell that I'm doing it.
Does anyone else
experience this? I don't know what I should do about it or if there is even a
If anyone can give
me any advice, I'd really appreciate it.