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Topic: So unsure of what to do. Family is a mess

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. LadyFlower
    LadyFlower  avatar
    2 posts
    13 November 2019

    Hi all,

    Basically my home life isn’t the best. For a long while now my parents have been through constant patches of being okay and not fighting. To fighting heavily And always dragging me into it with their comments.

    Today was another intense argument involving divorce papers (this isn’t the first time this has occurred) . I have a close relationship with my mum and she suffers from depression. My dad does not understand and always think she is under the influence of something else, he believes mental health is a “myth”.

    He told me today that I need to grow up and understand her adult problems. I’m 24 and have helped her through all of it after he has left because he can’t deal. This hurt me deeply

    I work part time and I’m studying social work, I wish I could just leave home but unable too, I’m meant to go on holiday next year. I just feel such a mess on what to do. I want to live my life, but things like this with my family happening a lot bring me down. It makes me question everything and what I’m doing.

    If anyone has any advice to share, that would be beneficial I would greatly appreciate it. I’m really stuck and unsure of a lot.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    69 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to LadyFlower
    Hi LadyFlower
    I am so sorry that you are having to be involved in your parents arguments, that is so very hard and I can hear that it is really making you sad and feeling hurt and frustrated.
    I am so pleased that you have joined us here and I hope we can give you some support through this tough time. We are here for some comfort and it sounds like your dad has really hurt you with his comment about “grow up and understand adult problems”.
    There a few things that I can see that are going on here and I can understand why you are feeling so very overwhelmed. Can I start by saying, as hurtful as this is to perhaps hear, this is not your “problem” to fix, you are so very entitled to live your life and study and work and go and enjoy your holiday…so how do you do that …..
    Has your mum been or is she currently getting support from a Doctor or some help through her depression? I think that this would be a great place to start. If she can get some help and manage her depression this might help with their relationship too.
    Can I perhaps say that your dad is having some trouble with understanding what is happening to your mother and that her illness is not a myth. He is probably hurting too as he doesn’t know about mental illness and how it impacts people, and not certain people….it impacts any people! If you wanted to help your dad you could give him some information on depression and how it affects people and how it affects the people they love too.
    I know you love your parents and the fighting is very upsetting and talk of divorce is also very scary but as I said before, this is really their issue to address and although you do love them, you are so very entitled to have your life too.
    I am not sure if this has been helpful to you but I hope to chat to you again.
    AS
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    481 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi, welcome Lady Flower

    Let me join Aaronsis in welcoming you here. I also agree with her wise words in that this isnt your problem. In fact I;d shut my door to my room behind me and let them go for it everytime tempers flair.

    Now, I do have one little thing that could save this situation, well it has the potential of that anyway.

    I wrote a thread called "relationship strife?- the peace pipe"

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pipe

    Now, if your parents read this then implemented it with promise that they will abide by the rules there is a good chance things can settle. It has worked for us for 5 years or more.

    Essentially time out from an argument is a good thing and even 20 minutes can calm us down remarkably. But when time out is needed we do not follow the other person around, we do not continue to argue, we do follow up with a calm chat and apologies if bad words are said.

    The other thing is you living there.

    I joined the RAAF at 17yo then worked as a prison officer after that, I know the benefits of living away from home. Consider a career in the Australian Defense Forces. The benefits are huge.

    Anyway, thankyou for writing in.

    TonyWK