It does sound like a very confusing and nerve racking time for you. I’m glad you’re trying to understand why relationships are such a big trigger for your depression. Good on you for reaching out here...
Congratulations on committing to your studies and starting your dream career. Those are huge achievements, and I’m glad your depression lifted for a bit.
But it sounds like, as you have said, your current relationship has triggered your depression again. It’s hard to say exactly why, but it could be that it’s going to fast (as you suggested).
Or I wonder if maybe it’s because you reach a certain level of emotional stability (so to speak) outside of relationships, so when you are in a relationship, the emotional intimacy triggers all kinds of intense emotions that throw you off that previous, somewhat fragile, emotional balance.
I’m not sure if that’s it though...
I wonder if it would help to make notes about your last and current relationship in terms of key milestones, so maybe you would then be able to identify a pattern, and pinpoint what is the trigger. I don’t know if that would work or not, and it’s entirely up to you. But that’s just my gentle suggestion.
Thanks so much for sharing. If you feel up to it, but no pressure or obligation, it would be great to hear how things are going since your opening post.
kind and caring thoughts,