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Topic: please help me Making a decision with relationship issue

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. SweetAngel
    SweetAngel avatar
    7 posts
    18 March 2019
    Two years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn’t love him. He always said “I love you” but it wasn’t reciprocated. it hurt him. I didn’t want to lead him on. He initiated contact after. we remained friends. got together few months later. Reason: felt guilty.
    During friendship, he said, “I’m always here for you. I still love you deeply. I’m waiting for us to be together again”. It hit hard. maybe I hadn’t given myself enough time to fall in love with him, maybe I rushed break.
    3 people have said during our ‘2nd relationship,’ that they think he and another girl were dating because they always jokingly flirt. I understand we broken up and he thought we would never get together but I was confused & hurt hearing that, as it goes against him saying, “I hope we can be together again”. You would not flirt with someone else if your heart was set with one girl. I confronted him. he said flirting was a joke. He didn’t feel anything for her, it meant nothing. I took it. It didn’t change how hurt I felt, but there wasn’t anything else for him to say. I know I overreacted because we weren’t together, he can do whatever, jokingly flirt or not. But my heart hurt. Why did ppl think they dating? There was nothing physical between them. i was confused about the idea of him saying he still loved me through the time of our friendship but on the side, jokingly flirting with another.
    I raise this issue, we argue. Its led us to where we are now.not together again. I don’t trust him. I tell him this, and this hurt him. he bursts into tears. More specifically, not trust him to do things behind my back. He might say he loves me, but could he still be jokingly flirting with someone else?
    Although we “friends”, he doesn’t act like it with me. He always comes for a close front on hug. He holds me for about a minute- too long for friends. he always gives me a kiss-cheek, forehead or lips. And after fights, we have make-up sex, or just sex once a week . It’s bad. I have been told, “you two haven’t set the boundaries”.
    I still feel very hurt he flirted with a girl two years ago, despite, I know, being broken up at the time. mainly because he said he loved me deeply through out it all. And also very hurt because three people have thought they were dating.
    Coming to now, I’m just confused about this. I don’t want to lose him because he’s always been there for me . Should I cut ties because I can’t trust him or continue this ‘friendship’ with him, although having fights.
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    95 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to SweetAngel

    Hi SweetAngel,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    It must all be very confusing for you try to decide what to do.

    Now I will have to admit that I know nothing about modern friendship or dating etc. but when I read your story a few things jumped out at me. And I guess the question I have for you.... what would you like to see the relationship become?

    You said you were friends yet the hugs are too long, sex once a week etc. Could the confusion you feel be a result of not knowing the status of the relationship? As in are friends? Or are you a couple again?

    The only way you would be able to to get the answers to some of these questions is to talk to him? (This is something my psychologist says to me a bit.) Do it in a place where the conversation cannot turn into an argument. And tell him how you feel, asking him how he sees this relationship? And you also have the chance to talk about the trust issues as well and setting boundaries, but done in a way that says how you feel.

    You will make the right choice, whatever it is.

    Peace,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    881 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to SweetAngel

    Hello SweetAngel, your friend might have been getting some sort of advice from this other person, but if he was dating her then there could be a concern.

    I agree with Tim, if 'the hugs are too long, sex once a week etc.' can I ask if he is he still seeing this other girl.

    Geoff.

  4. SweetAngel
    SweetAngel avatar
    7 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    apparently he used to speak to this girl about our “friendship” for advice , but I told him I didn’t like him getting advice from her so he stopped.

    But no, they never dated. They‘re only friends. so he and her still see each other often. But i just don’t get why others would think they could have been dating ? That is what is confusing to me

    Thanks

  5. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    881 posts
    24 March 2019 in reply to SweetAngel

    Hi SweetAngel, sorry I've been late but thank you for your reply.

    It's good that your b/friend has stopped talking to her, and I say this, because what maybe lacking in the relationship with you, he maybe tempted to discuss this with this other friend, that maybe good or it may lead onto other things.

    What has been said between your b/friend and this friend, you won't be told, just general comments like, 'didn't talk about anything' and 'no we didn't talk about you'.

    Your other friends would have more knowledge about whether they have been dating, because it would have been hidden away from you and your b/friend wouldn't admit to it.

    I'm not saying that this is happening, but there are many ways in which it could be done and his friend certainly isn't going to say it, plus your other friends would know.

    Can I just to be careful.

    Geoff.