Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm 22 years old, so a bit on the older side..
A bit of backstory as to why I'm here; I am a lesbian, I grew up catholic & even though I was never really made to be ashamed of myself, I always felt it. Last year I was in a bad breakup with my first partner ever, a female. It was her first time with a female, but not first relationship. Long story short, after 9 months, she said she never pictured her future with a female & left, so of course, my heart was broken for the first time.
I slipped into a deep state of depression. The breakup, combined with my lack of confidence in my family being ok with my sexuality, & a traumatic injury during football (which happened conveniently at the same time) caused me serious hopelessness & doubt about life & living.
I was grateful to have the support from my best friend who encouraged me to seek help with the Uni Counsellor, to which he was pivotal in my recovery. After 4 months, I felt reborn, I was finally doing things for myself, by myself, I got an internship related to my study & I was playing football again. I also have met another wonderful girl who is gorgeous & authentic in every way possible, & she shares some interests that I do. We have been dating for 7 months.
Here is where it feels pear shaped - I was working full time internship over summer & found that my job isn't nearly as exciting as it originally was (esp not 3 hrs transit everyday). I started to feel a bit overwhelmed, not knowing what I will do as what I thought I would like, I didn't. I was actually relieved when covid resulted in me temporarily not working, so I didn't have to go to work. Since isolation, however, I've noticed I've become more irritable, with my family and esp my partner. I feel like I have become a bit of an a**hole. I've felt dread when thinking about what I will do after I graduate. I haven't been sleeping well at all, I feel tired all the time, I feel extreme guilt about the uni work I have to do but have no motivation nor the energy to do it, and it's always on my mind. Other times I feel extremely restless & hopeless b/c I can no longer be bothered to do the fun things I used to do. My distant friend, unexpectedly committed suicide back in October & as a result, sometimes I feel a bit of guilt that he's not here, yet I am.
Uni is over an hour away, I don't have the money for a psych, & I don't really want to tell anyone else about it bc I don't want to worry them...so where can I go from here?