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Topic: My boyfriend is so unsure, I don’t know what to do.

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Unsure1991
    Unsure1991 avatar
    1 posts
    24 December 2018

    Hi all,

    so recently my boyfriend and I have been going through a lot of issues. He is in the navy and has been away for a period of time. I noticed something was up when he wasn’t even excited to be home.

    we talked and he said he was having doubts and that he doesn’t know what he is feeling right now and whether he should be with me right now. This back and forth conversation last three days with me staying at my parents for most of it. He begged me to come home and said it wasn’t going to make the decision easier if I wasn’t home.
    We finally got to a point where he said he still wants to be with me but he just has these doubts about long distance.
    However, he was still really cold to me and wouldn’t touch me or show affection.
    I decided I had enough and told him that I’m done trying to mend the relationship after the hurtful things he’s said.
    Anyways back to the point, that was the back story....
    last night he told me
    -he doesn’t feel himself
    -he doesn’t feel happy anymore
    -he doesn’t enjoy things he used to enjoy.
    -he’s drinking a lot since he got back

    I’ve mentioned to him that it sounds like he might be going through a depressive state.
    I said he should talk to someone maybe a GP or someone in the navy that counsels them.
    He said to me he doesn’t know how.
    I told him I would go with him to the doctor.
    And he said he wouldn’t know what to do.
    I don’t know whether to stay and help him through this...
    I asked him if he wants me to help him through this and he said he doesn’t know.
    He just said he wants to stop talking about it.

    How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped?
    Should I still be with him while he’s going through this?
    Will breaking up with him make it worse?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    469 posts
    24 December 2018 in reply to Unsure1991

    I Unsure, welcome

    It's a common topic - 'How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped?" and the answer to it never changes. It is not your responsibility to pressurize him to get help nor is it up to you to carry his burden of unhappiness. The Defense forces have all the medical help they need (I'm ex RAAF) so that isn't an issue, it's even free for them.

    I suggest, from what you have written, that he is indecisive on the topic of you both as a couple. The Navy environment is such that he might be observing his sailor mates single and carefree while he is committed. The grass is greener on the other side for many.

    It isn't easy living on hope when he states words that confirm much doubt. IMO breaking up with him, if it makes it worse then it wasn't meant to be, if it makes it better then there is a chance. It will be a testing time but one that is necessary to remove you from lingering in the middle.

    I hope you find happiness but it's your actions that will help you find it, not only hoping.