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Topic: Life is really hard

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Beejade
    Beejade avatar
    3 posts
    8 May 2019

    I’m an 18 year old Female who just finished high school last year and decided to take a gap year since I don’t currently have my P’s. I’ve always struggled with metal health for the majority of my childhood from crazy anxiety to depression, and I went to a psychologist for about a year and a half when I was in year 12. At the end of high school things where the best they have ever been so I decided to stop going to my therapist and also partially because I didn’t like going. Now that I’ve finished school I don’t have any friends besides the people that I talk to while I’m at work, but my school friends rarely message me and since I have extremely low self esteem I don’t message any of them as I would just feel like a burden to them and they probably don’t like me anymore. This whole year I’ve just been in the routine of going to work and going home while I see videos of my friends spending time with eachother. I used to blame it on me living a little further away than they all do but now I just think it’s because they don’t care about me anymore. I have always hated myself but lately everything has been so much worse, I don’t shower for days at a time and the days I don’t work I won’t leave my bed and won’t eat a thing all day. Last year I when I was sad I always managed to distract myself by reminding myself that I had school and friends and family to think about, but now I have literally nothing to live for and I’m just here for no one doing nothing. I don’t know what to do, I hate myself so much and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to tell my mum about how I’m feeling because she thinks that I’m better after going to a therapist and I will probably but worry her and burden my parents.

    Sorry about this really long boring story I’m just so lost.

  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    101 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to Beejade

    Hi Beejade,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    my son just finished high school and was going to Uni (this year) until he worked out that it was not for him. He does not associate with many of the people from high school but that would mainly be because his interests and their interests were/are different. Between say grade 1 and grade 12, his circles of friends changed based on interests or changing schools etc. After grade 12 you might go to Uni and develop new friendships - this may take you away from your home town as well.

    You said that you don't message your old friends because you feel you would be burden... Last year, I contacted an old friend that I had not spoken to for MANY years. He said he was concerned for me and we decided to catch up for coffee later. We did and chatted about many things including my issues. He wanted to learn about mental health etc. Sometimes what we think that others might think about us is the opposite. You only have to start with "hello, how are things going with you".

    Relapses are possible. Ca you remember what distraction or coping tools you were given when you saw them? What is stopping you from talking your GP or going back to your psychologist again?

    Lastly, when things were bad for me, my mum was the first person I spoke to. I am not going to saying it is their job to worry about their children, but they would care to know what is happening to you? My parents and I have a line that I don't cross; that is, I know how much to tell them without going into too much detail.

    You story was not boring - in fact, other users might identify with it. In fact that is somewhat how I started here. I found other stories that were mine. So I want to to know that you are not alone, and the people here are friendly and supportive.

    Tim

  3. Beejade
    Beejade avatar
    3 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim, thanks for replying

    I don’t really like to tell my parents much about my mental health as it’s very hard for them to understand and help, even though mental health runs quite far back in my family. Throughout my teen years I had gained quite a bit of resentment towards my mum and Dad because of how long I struggled and constantly asking them for help, but unfortunately my mum is the type that ignores the things that she doesn’t want to believe. I understand that she just worries but that lead to me resenting her especially. That is also probably part of the reason why I don’t visit a therapist anymore because she wants to believe that everything is all better as I’m not as vocal about my struggles anymore.

    you make a good point about what we think could really be the opposite with me feelings like a burden to my friends. But I just can’t help and build the courage to message any of my high school friends. My best friend of six years (we have grown apart quite abit from last year) actually reached out to me the other day sort of confronting me on why she would message me and have a conversation but wouldn’t hear from me again for a week. And this really shook me because I kind of blamed my friends for not speaking to me and I constantly think that they are only my friends to use me and nothing else.

    May the end of the day I really think most of my struggles are caused by my extremely low self esteem causing my depression to get even darker and darker. Instead of telling my mum that I was fine and didn’t need to see my therapist anymore I should have just swallowed my pride and told her that I still need help. I just again feel like a burden and lost all motivation to help myself unfortunately.

    That you for putting your time into reading me complain, now you know what it was like to be my therapist haha

  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    101 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to Beejade

    Hi Beejade,

    If you don't mind my asking... what are you going to do? somewhat rhetorical because there are a few options for you...

    1. do nothing. Always an option if not the best one to choose
    2. swallow you pride (as you put it) and talk to your parents again, or just go a therapist by yourself.
    3. as much I would not advocate trying to fix yourself, there are some useful books your could read and threads on the forum you could look at.*

    * while I do speak with my psychologist every 2 weeks and that be helpful for me, I also get homework and I also use apps that my psychologist recommended to me. One of the apps is "virtual hope box". One book she wanted me to read is "The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris, and based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy.

    While you my not necessarily be a "kid" there is also the Kids Helpline (Kids Helpline is Australia's only free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25) Their web site is https://kidshelpline.com.au/

    There are ways forward, it just depends on you making a decision?

    Tim

  5. Beejade
    Beejade avatar
    3 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf
    I don’t really know what to do. I’m just so mentally exhausted, I’ve already gone through it before and it took me years to get to a place where it was only some days that I couldn’t get out of bed. Now I’m just back at square one and all of that hard work just went down the drain. I wish I could say that I want to get better, I just don’t even like myself enough to try and get help.
  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    101 posts
    10 May 2019 in reply to Beejade
    Hi,

    Sorry you feel like this. Last year I would get up and do the things I had to do only so others would think that I was ok. But I could never find any positives in each day. My psych however told me that the little things like getting out of bed or showering or brushing teeth were positives. perhaps you could tell me about your day and we could find some there?