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Topic: Insecurity in romantic relationships

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. imagine1101
    imagine1101 avatar
    1 posts
    5 October 2018

    Hi everyone, I feel really stupid because I've never done this before but this is easier than talking to someone in person. I'll try and type this calmly.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he is everything I could ever ask for. He is so ridiculously loving and supportive and had a crush on me for two years before I even started talking to him. He has never given me any reason whatsoever to doubt his loyalty or love.

    For some reason, none of this matters to my stupid brain. I feel completely worthless and fake, panicking because it feels like it's only a matter of time before he realises I'm not as amazing as he thinks I am. I'm terrified of being with him around other girls because he might see someone and realise I'm not attractive at all and this has led to periods where I've avoided going out in public with him completely. I obsessively stalk the social media of anyone I know he has previously had a crush on (I'm his first girlfriend) which I know makes everything worse because I feel like I can never measure up and that he wishes he was with them instead of me. I am even worried that he'll start liking my (much) younger sister, purely because she is female and we look vaguely similar, or even that he wants to date his friends' girlfriends. I get so so so scared that I'm not what he really wants and that he's just dating me because I was nice to him and therefore a safe option. I have breakdowns almost every time I see him because I feel like I'm not attractive or kind or talented enough or anything that anyone could ever want. He constantly compliments and reassures me but I can never believe anything he says because I don't think anything good about myself is true. I talk to him about most of this because I have a constant need for reassurance.

    I feel like such a burden and I often work myself up to the point of begging him to break up with me so that he doesn't have to suffer anymore and he can go find someone worthwhile, but he always refuses. I know this really hurts him but I honestly can't stop myself from doing it, I just want him to be happy and I feel like I'm too much of an emotional strain. I love him more than anything but I feel myself becoming more and more toxic and I don't want to drag him down with me. Do you think I should take a break from our relationship until I can sort my emotions out or should we work through it together?

    No pressure to reply, I just needed to vent. Thank you so much.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    130 posts
    5 October 2018 in reply to imagine1101

    Imagine1101 welcome to the forum.

    You have written a great post.

    This is a caring, friendly and supportive community which helps people speak honestly about their experiences.

    I can understand how you know that you have a wonderful partner but you feel so insecure you keep checking on him. You can see you are aware what you are doing does not make sense but yet you feel you have to and you can not stop yourself.

    What do you think it would it take for you to feel reassured and safe with your boyfriend?

    Have you spoken to any health professional like a counsellor about your feelings?

    I hoped it has helped to express your feelings here .Sometimes writing down our thoughts can help us see things differently.

    I think we all feel insecure to some extent in relationships .

    I can see you really care for your boyfriend and have an insight into why you behave as you do.

    You are not alone and we are here to support you.

    So feel free to post here as much as you like.

    I have asked a few questions, only answer them if you feel comfortable doing so.


  3. Anonym
    Anonym avatar
    1 posts
    14 October 2018 in reply to imagine1101

    A great post. It is really good that your are open about your feelings and your sense of insecurity. I really applaud that. It takes a real strength of character to admit that so good on you.

    From your description you seem to be very lucky in having a partner who you say really cares about you. I know it must be very hard to have that confidence that you feel ok and that you are not trying to push him away. Try looking at the real positives and maybe talk to him about why he is with you - I mean all the positives so that you see what really makes him want to obviously be with all this time.

    Again, great post.

    Please keep going and don't give up on your partner.

  4. BeeMac83
    BeeMac83 avatar
    1 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to imagine1101

    Hi 1101,

    I experience very similar feelings to you, with the difference being I have been in my relationship for 14 years. But I still feel like he'd be better off with someone else and I've told him many times just to leave me. I have it in my head that him leaving me will be inevitable and sometimes I feel like I just want to get it over and done with so I tell him we should just end it. 14 years of this and he hasn't left. I sometimes don't want to go out with him to social things because I think he'll just be thinking how much more fun other people are compared to me, how much more interesting or attractive they are, and that I am just brought along as an obligation due to our relationship.

    And it's not because he doesn't tell me that he loves, or that he doesn't support me or try to make me happy or has done anything to question his trust, but I am just so insecure. And I can't talk to family or friends about it because it'll make me sound crazy to them and feel like I'm airing dirty laundry that isn't actually there.

    It's so confusing and I hate feeling so insecure and untrusting. I don't know if I will ever be able to shake the problem. Sorry, I don't have any ideas for solutions, but I appreciated your post because I can absolutely understand the feelings you are describing.