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Topic: I know I'm fat and nothing can change that

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. MinNelle29
    MinNelle29 avatar
    1 posts
    27 October 2018

    I'm a 15 year old teen and I'm really insecure about my body size. I'm not writing this so people can tell me that im not fat at all but I'd like some advice.

    Ever since I was 12 mum would start constently call me fat and fat shame me for it. My sister says I'm a good, healthy weight but nonetheless mum keeps going. I've tried to ignore her and yet she continues.

    Its come to a point where I'm afraid to change in front of her or wear non baggy clothes or dresses for that matter and my mum continues harassing me everyday for not being the average weight that people my age should have.

    I want her to know how i feel about her calling me these things but im afraid because anything I try I end up getting in trouble.

    Whenever I wear something that doesn't fit me as much as it did before..she'd compare me to people or my past self.

    Last year it got to a point where id starve myself for 2 ish months

    It hurts to have your own mum constantly calling you fat for the last 3 years and brushing it off.

    please tell me what I could do

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    234 posts
    27 October 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Dear MinNelle29~

    Welcome to the forum, this would have been a hard thing to do, write here, however things sound pretty miserable in your life at the moment.

    Look I can't see you so I don't know if you are fat or not, though frankly I'd tend to go with what you sister says. It sounds to me more like your mum is the one with the problem. Whatever her motives, let's be generous and say it is out of concern for you, she is being destructive and negative. All she is doing is hurting you.

    Parents don't always realize they are such powerful people, one word can mean so much to on offspring - ether good or bad.

    The first thing to do is realize something important, and it is not just me that says it. Attracting somebody else is not just about looks. True they get you noticed, but after a surprisingly short time in a relationship other things start to become really important - kindness - reliability - even wisdom.

    Looks are not the only thing that get you noticed - a radiant smile from a truly happy person is absolute magic. It worked on me and I married the lass:) If you think I'm telling you rubbish to make you feel better ask others, or read.

    The trap your mum is falling into is not unusual, if it was me I'd give the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) a ring and talk with sensible people (you can talk to the same person more than once) when it affects you.

    The silly thing is that if she had been encouraging and supportive these last years you would feel so different. You would like yourself.


  3. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    14 posts
    27 October 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelle29,

    It sounds as though it would be scary to open up to your mother about what you are feeling but it can feel so good afterwards. You could tell her that she is hurting you.

    She might have these unrealistic expectations of you and it's not fair. We change as we get older. Weight fluctuates. When I was your age I put on a lot of weight and then lost it again. As woman our weight fluctuates. Has she been a skinny Minny her whole life I don't think so. She should be more understanding.

    You could write her a letter expressing exactly how u feel and give it to her. If it makes you cry- tell her. If it makes you uncomfortable tell her. Also let her know that you starved yourself for about 2 months. She's having an unhealthy effect on you. I hope she will change her ways and allow you to be you.

  4. Lily78
    Lily78 avatar
    1 posts
    27 October 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelle29

    I think you should talk with your mum when it's a good time and tell her how you are feeling. A little push in the right direction us fine but too shame or put someone down for how they look is not cool. Your mum most likely isn't trying to hurt you however her comments aren't helping.

    Tell her you need her support.

    If this doesn't work talk with a school counsellor or even on beyond blue.

    Try some healthy changes for losing weight. Starving yourself is not going to work long term. I have been there and done that and can tell you it will not work long term and could be harmful.

    I hope this helps.

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    885 posts
    28 October 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hello Nelle, I'm sorry but your mum shouldn't be saying this at all, because what it does is draw a line between the two of you, it damages your relationship.

    She must respect your feelings and that she is hurting you deeply, write her a letter and explain how much this hurts you, but you're keeping an eye on it and making appropriate changes.

    To keep you comfortable I was the fattest kid at State School, but could run and catch those who teased me, then one day during the school holidays I decided go on a diet.

    You're only young and need to have a fair go in life, so your mum needs to stop and let you develop on your own.

    It won't be long until you're a beautiful adult and all you need is the support we all need in life.

    Take care.


    3 people found this helpful
  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    65 posts
    28 October 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelle29

    Everyone has given you some great advice which points to your mum being unreasonable with her words.

    It does sound as though your mum's fixated on image more than anything else whereas your sister has hit the nail on the head with the use of the word 'healthy'. Whilst weight/size may naturally fluctuate during certain phases of life (such as with hormonal changes), weight/size typically remain indicators of physical health. I actually took my 13yo son to a dietician not too long ago. I wanted to avoid possible future health issues, in relation to him being somewhat underweight. The dietician recommended we include more protein in his diet (as there was hardly any). I was told that he would have eventually become unwell, based on him only eating fruit and vegetables. Again, size/weight is an indicator of health, like in my son's case. The 'indicator' thing is something I have taught my kids. They know that any other form of judgement in this area is destructive.

    For reasons of her own, your mum sounds fixated on image. I'm left wondering whether this is something that was put in her head from a young age. Those mental programs don't just appear from out of nowhere. For some reason your mum can't evolve beyond this particular 'image' program. It's about her more than it's about you. Your sister sounds like a far more inspiring and constructive guide. She is very wise and encouraging with her advice to you.

    The fact that you get into trouble when you mention this issue with your mum indicates that she is not willing to take responsibility for the words that come out of her mouth. Until she accepts responsibility for her words, I don't believe she will change them. You may need to educate her, in order for her to change. 'Mum, stop talking about size and start talking about health' could be a good start. By the way, if your lifestyle is a healthy one she should have no cause to comment. 'The destructive words you use are impacting my mental health' could be something else worth mentioning. Encourage her to become conscious and responsible regarding her words.

    Take care of yourself MinNelle29 and keep in mind that you are perfectly you, perfect in your uniqueness and beauty.

  7. Sian J
    Sian J avatar
    1 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelle29,

    I’m so sorry to have red through your very personal thread, and to hear of such awful painful traumatic experience with your own Mum too. I’m sorry you had to go though such of horrible thing on your own.

    But your not alone anymore. You have us, your have Beyond Blue. We’re here for you.

    Your incredibly strong. Your still here. Your still fighting to be on this planet.

    You have a lot more strength in you then you actual believe you do.

    I’ve never experienced my own Mum yelling at me and telling me I’m fat and ugly. so I can’t fully understand what that would of felt and and could still be feel like for you, and Ikm not even going to try and prentend like I can have sort of understanding, because I don’t.

    But, I can sit here on my iPad and type to you and tell you that no matter what your Mum is yelling at you, that you are beautiful.



    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Say it - I want you to say it to yourself - every day. Stand in front the you mirror, and tell yourself









    Say it 10 times - every day for the next week. Morning and night. And then in a weeks time, you let me know if you’re started to believe in anything I’ve told you. And anything you’ve been saying to yourself twice a day everyday in the mirror.

    XOX .SJ

    1 person found this helpful
  8. hairclip
    hairclip avatar
    5 posts
    10 November 2018

    Hi Min?

    Parents and family can be cruel at times, I'm sorry you have to go through that. I was in the same boat not long ago, it was really messing with my head. You're still young and it's not too late to change, these are the best years for body change.

    I'm not gonna lie and say it's going to be easy or you should just stay the way you are. If this is bothering you, it's good to make it a habit to solve it...otherwise, you'll be even more miserable when you become an adult. Ask your parents to take you to a dietician, and sign up for the gym. Point is, don't let people stop you from improving yourself...IF YOU'RE FAT AND YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT IT, THEN BE HAPPY. If you are absolutely miserable, change the way you'll change the way you feel.

    Ask your doctor what your BMI should be and work out a plan to improve. Don't let people who say "nice" words stop you from improvement and achieving true happiness.

    Your mom should say something so cruel, instead, she should be helping you if she sees a problem. My mom saw the damages she's done and now she's trying her best to not repeat the same mistakes.

    No one will ever care about you more than YOU. You just need to find a way.

    I hope this wasn't harsh. It all comes down to what ACTUALLY brings you happiness and not "comfort".

  9. aggy2801
    aggy2801 avatar
    9 posts
    25 November 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelles29,

    I'm a 14 year old girl and i also struggle with body image. The other day we had swimming in PE and i saw a few girls looking at me. One girl was staring at my stomach, and she was whispering to her friends. I have never felt so bad about my body in my life than that moment. I let that moment get to me, and whenver i went out i thought that everyone was thinking about how fat i was. I got so paranoid that i begun to do workout excessively and started a diet. looking back i realise that no one was actually thinking that and its just a few insecure girls who were judging my weight.

    After talking with someone i trusted, i begun to stop worrying with how i looked. I'm still trying now and it isnt something that you can just do overnight.

    It's hard that your mum is pressuring you to look skinny, and fat shaming you and i get that you can't exactly ignore her as when someone is saying these things to you constantly its a struggle to ignore them. It might help to talk to someone outside your family about it and then sit down with your mother and talk about it. I've learnt that writing down the things that you love about yourself help with your self esteem. Hope this helps

    aggy2801 xx

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Barbie2005
    Barbie2005 avatar
    6 posts
    28 December 2018

    Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! I have a similar thing with my dad - he will call me fat, ugly, stupid etc.

    While you are a teenager, your hormones are constantly changing and you will be bigger for some time, then smaller and so on. You already know, that you are a good size. I doubt you are actually overweight, fromwhat you tell me.

    It is not right for your mum to say such things. Nobody should have to suffer, especially from someone that close!

    Perhaps you could try counseling? You are already here, which is amazing! But perhaps somewhere like KidsHelpline, or BeyondBlue? It miht help you - there are professionals who can help a lot.

  11. Quercus
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Quercus avatar
    59 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to MinNelle29

    Hi MinNelle29,

    There have been so many supportive replies and I do wonder whether I have much to add... But your post hit home to me too.

    Like yours my Mum was always on at me for my weight. Once she bought me a whole new wardrobe as a present... It hurt so much to see every item was two sizes too small. Actions and comments like these erode our self esteem.

    I am 33 now and these ideas still follow me however I've found things that help me so perhaps they will help you too.

    1. Is it about you or is it about your Mum?

    Look hard at your Mum. Look at pictures of her over time. Has she changed? How does she treat her own body? Is she happy and content within herself? For me eventually I realised Mum was pushing her own problems onto me. It isn't fair or ok but it does help me to accept her comments are not just about me.

    2. Be quietly honest but speak bluntly. Lashing out or getting angry just gets you in trouble I found. Saying nothing lets the insults fester. At the moment your Mum says something cruel reply quietly, politely and usings the "I feel"approach.

    Mum I feel like rubbish about myself when you say things like that.

    Mum could you please stop commenting about how I look... I feel put down and ugly.

    You get the idea. The I feel thing works because it isn't an attack.

    3. Accept feedback only from people you trust who treat you with respect. There are ways to tell someone youre worried about their health without being cruel or hurtful. If people don't bother their opinion doesnt matter.

    4. Look for even one thing about your body that makes you feel good and embrace it. Ive never been coordinated or sporty. But my Mum made anything physical I did all about losing weight. It made me not want to even try because it wasn't about fun but about looks.

    In time found gardening and using the crosstrainer to listen to music. These things are for ME. Because I enjoy them not exercise to lose weight. If anyone comments about weightloss I cut them off. No. This activity is MINE for ME and it has nothing to do with weight. I'm firm on this.

    5. Seek out healthy male feedback from trusted adults. It sounds weird but what I truly needed was for my Dad to reassure me that noone is allowed to treat me like rubbish or make me feel worthless. Is your Dad in the picture? Can you speak to him about your self esteem and the mixed messages you get. Ask him to take you to a doctor if your weight is unhealthy.

    When or if you can I would love to hear back from you.