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Topic: I have never felt so unutterable alone

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Koyorieeee
    Koyorieeee avatar
    1 posts
    23 April 2020

    I’m completely new to these forums so please mind that.

    I just want someone to listen.

    I’m a 15 year old girl and for the most part I’ve lived a normal life but everyday It gets worse and worse.

    I’ll start from the beginning. Since The start of high school I’ve always had my best friend. I loved her very and I wish I could have been more supportive and shown her my admiration.

    It was July of last year I got into a relationship. For the next 3 months I was the happiest I’ve ever been, I loved him to the core but he did do drugs. Im really against drugs so I explained to him that maybe he could stop because I cared about his health and education and he said he would.

    no matter what he still did them and that eventually led us to break up.

    I was fine for the time but it was towards the end of last year it went downhill. My best friend and my other close friends were still friends with my ex-boyfriend, which I was totally fine with but they started leaving to talk to him more and more at lunch time and I really didn’t wanna hang out with them just cause I wasn’t comftable and He and I had some post breakup fights so it was best if we didn’t talk again.

    So one day they vanished to hang out with him, I was miserable but I still had 2 other close friends I guess so I was fine but I still felt betrayed, my best friend told my ex everything that I had said about him.

    i evenly found out recently she did LSD with him and I cried my eyes out and I don’t know why.

    We still are friends and we talk regularly on a groupchat but she’s funnier and prettier and easy to talk to so I feel drowned, I’m shy and I try to hard to please my friends but it’s like they prefer her. I try to join into their conversations but I get laughed at because I have different taste in guys.

    I have no one, it’s the emptiness that hurts the most. No matter how hard I think, nothing makes me happy, I have no redeemable qualities that would make me big in this world.

    I have no one to talk to anymore, everyone I talk to thinks im annoying and that I should get over it but I can’t.

    the littlest things make me start crying. I feel like I can’t fit in, I feel like I’m annoying. I’m never gonna go anywhere in my life. I wasted my teenage years being a prune. I’ll have no friends.

    She’s having the best time of her life while I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Everything inside of me is slowish breaking apart.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    2216 posts
    23 April 2020 in reply to Koyorieeee
    Hi Koyorieeee

    Welcome and thanks for joining our Beyond Blue community. We’re so glad you reached out today, it sounds like things are really tough for you right now. It is understandable you would miss having the close relationships you used to have and feel hurt. Please know that we think for reaching out here and we are so happy to have you as part of our online community. You don't have to sit alone with your feelings, we are all here to support you and hear what you are feeling and experiencing.

    We would recommend that you speak to a counsellor and get as much support as you can. Some organisations we would suggest you get in contact with are:
    - Headspace - https://headspace.org.au/ (Headspace have lots of services for young people including counselling)
    - Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 or https://kidshelpline.com.au/ (Kids Helpline is available 24/7 to chat to you about what's happening)
     
    Also, feel free to keep us updated on whats happening for you here.
     
  3. uncut_gems
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    uncut_gems avatar
    141 posts
    7 May 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Kayorieeee,

    First of all, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for the delay in replying to your post, but I'm so grateful you found this place and were brave enough to share what you're dealing with.

    Your post really resonated with me for so many reasons, including the fact that I had a relationship end in high school because I felt very similarly to drugs as you do and my girlfriend at the time wanted to experiment more. Of course I could tell you it seems like less of a big deal to me now (I'm 25), but that doesn't change the fact that it was absolutely devastating to me at the time as it sounds like it is for you now. I think sometimes older people who have the benefit of hindsight don't understand that when you're right in the middle of it, none of that matters even if it's true later on.

    You say you have no redeemable qualities, and although I don't know you at all, I can tell just from your post that 1) you have multiple friends, 2) you had a nice relationship, even for a short time, and 3) you are sensitive and thoughtful. That makes me think that you do have plenty of redeemable qualities, but are just in a really, really tough part of life that make them difficult to see right now.

    I just wanted to say that your post really, really resonated with me as I also felt that I didn't fit in in high school, was unlikeable, and jealous of my friends who somehow just seemed to have an easier time of things. I would love to chat more, but for now just know that there is a kindred spirit thinking of you who made it out the other side.

    Warmly,

    Gems