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Topic: i hate myself

  1. justarando
    justarando avatar
    24 posts
    23 October 2019

    i genuinely hate myself. there is not one thing i like about the way i look, what i can do or my personality. i do musical theatre, which a few years ago was something i thought would be great for confidence and since i loved singing, but it made me realise how bad i am. i cant stop comparing myself to my friends and just constantly feel worthless. when the topic of self love starts up i just want to cry because ive tried so hard to change but i cant love myself for who i am. musical theatre and singing was something i was once interested in but now hate doing but i cant quit because without it ill have no friends. plus, ive always had a difficult time making friends so ive already gone to a psychologist about it and moved schools within the past few months. i just dont know what to do but if i show any sign of doubting myself, people think im attention seeking when i cant help it. i practically now use it as sarcastic humour to hide my true feelings and how i just want to breakdown. why am i not good enough? why couldnt i have been anyone else? i just constantly feel useless, irrelevant and ugly

  2. Aaronsis
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    24 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hey justarando

    I am so pleased you have come to reach out and to have a chat and to let some of the steam off. We are here for you to support you and hopefully give you some comfort at this time when you sound like you are really struggling and feeling worthless. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way and we are here to chat.

    Musical theatre sounds like a lot of fun, however if it is not fun anymore is there something else that perhaps you would think about trying instead. I hear you used to really enjoy music and singing but not so much anymore as you are comparing yourself to your peers and feeling worthless. Can I just ask if it is in fact the music and singing that you no longer enjoy or the place and people where the music and singing happens that you no longer enjoy?

    It is so very "normal" to compare yourself to others, it is human nature, it can be how we gauge unfortunately how pretty we are, how successful we are and how funny we are.....but this is not a true indication of who we really are and can leave us feeling ugly, worthless and with no self love, which is what I am hearing you say.

    You struggle to make new friends and that you have just recently moved schools too, you sure do have a lot to manage at the moment. Making friends is very difficult and especially when you have these feelings about yourself that you are not good enough, I hear what you are saying in that "why would anyone like me when I don't even like me". I hear that you feel useless, irrelevant and ugly and that is so very much to carry around all day.

    Can I tell you you are good enough? Would you even believe me? Can I suggest when you say "why couldn't I be anyone else?...that there are soo many young people today feeling the very same way you are also. You are not alone in these feelings and I am so pleased you are talking about it. Is there an activity or hobbie that makes you feel good, that puts a smile on your face? Do you have a pet that you can pat or walk that brings you joy?

    I would like to continue to chat to you and help you to find ways to see your worth and that you are very relevant and very useful.

    Big hugs to you justrando (and you are not random at all!)

    AS

  3. justarando
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    24 posts
    24 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    thanks for replying. i dont enjoy singing because i dont think i do it well enough so everytime i actually try i just start crying. the company that i am in has the nicest people ever and its the only reason im still there because otherwise ill never see them again and without them i wouldnt have any friends, however i constantly feel like im not good enough for them. they are these beautiful, smart people that are some of the best singers i know and are awesome dancers and they get some of the best roles. i just dont understand how people can be so perfect its just unfair. i dont have any hobbies and nothing really brings me joy. im practically insecure about everything i do and every decision i make, making me have non interest in anything. not only am i afraid of others judging me, but of judging myself, whether it be what i eat or wear or songs i listen to. i dont know, it’s probably just stupid though. i just want to be happy with myself but cant.

  4. Aaronsis
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    25 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hey J ( I dont want to write rando if that is ok)

    I had this idea and I am not sure what you think about it, but I hear that you really love the people and that they inspire you and their talent is awesome, but when you sing it makes you sad and you start comparing yourself to them which lead to you feeling bad about yourself. Musical Theatre has so many aspects, is there something else that you could do there, like props or lighting, that would take you out of the space that is making you feel bad and yet still incorporates the people you love?

    I wanted to ask you a question and please don't feel like you have to answer, but what are these people actually doing or saying to you that make you feel like you are not good enough? What are these people doing that make them "perfect", I am sure that if we took maybe just three of them aside and asked them "how are you really" they might have some very interesting stories to tell, and that they too feel less than perfect. I know it is so very hard not to compare but there are some things about you that people wish that they had. There is this saying "we always want what we haven't got"...like people with curly hair want straight hair....people who have light skin wish they could tan....comparing just leads to us feeling bad about ourselves and that is really not helpful.

    I hear so very loud that you are afraid of judgment, can I ask you "what is going to happen if someone doesn't like you?'....there are so many people in this world and we don't get along with everyone and not everyone likes us, and that is totally fine, if we were all perfect and the same life would be pretty boring right. People will love you for you , if you let them, and those that don't will go on to find their people to love....

    Today do you think you could try to do just one thing that YOU truly want to do, like put that song on or say hi to that person, I know it will be hard and terrifying but I think you will surprise yourself.

    I would love to know what you think of my suggestions, and they are just that..no pressure.

    Chat soon

    AS

  5. justarando
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    24 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi AS,

    i actually did a school subject based on backstage earlier this year and just hated it as i am just not really techy and it just overall didnt interest me. just like everything makes my friends better than me-they always get better parts than me, they are prettier than me (and like thats not even me being self depricating, people tell them they are gorgeous all the time and they have heaps of people that like them.) things that i already knew how to do they try and they are automatically better than me. they can dance and get better grades and everytime they complain about something its always something i wish would happen to me. for example they complain about an awesome grade or a great role they receive a callback or just how something isnt good enough for them, when to me itd make me so happy. idk i cant really explain it but i can just get overwhelmed. as for caring about what people think about you, its just human nature i guess, but its also what made me move schools in the first place. i had people talk crap about me and call me weird and occasionally torment me and i was left friendless.

    thanks for your help though i really appreciate your advice and my responses are probably really annoying so i apologise but its just how i feel.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Aaronsis
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    25 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi J

    Please do not apologise for anything and you are most certainly not annoying me with your responses. I am just making some suggestions as I get to know you and I understand that not everything is going to suit and that is fine too. I am just so glad you are chatting about how you feel and that you are brave enough to talk about it.

    You are right in that it is human nature to care what people think, and to a certain degree that is fine, it is what makes us get out of our pjamas in the morning and take a shower ....we would not want to be seen out in public like that...however I can hear how it is consuming you and I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have had a really bad experience in the past with people talking crap about you and this does effect our self esteem and also our view on ourselves, which I feel like is where you are now.

    I would just like to say one thing about "weird" ...weird is kind of wonderful...I know you are not going to believe me but maybe not today and perhaps not tomorrow you will love being "weird" ....weird is interesting and weird is personality and weird is you..no one is like you and that is awesome!

    Can I put something to you, you mentioned people say to others how gorgeous they are, do they ever say how kind they are..or how genuine they are..or how warm and caring they are...as these are far more gorgeous qualities to have if you ask me.

    I can hear how overwhelmed you are and I just wish I could wave a magic wand so you could see how good you are.

    Please keep chatting.

    AS

  7. justarando
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    24 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi AS,

    infact, people do compliment on their personality all the time, hence the reason they have so many friends and have practically everyone loving them so much.

    thanks for your reply

    j

  8. Aaronsis
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    25 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hey J

    Well I am so very happy to hear that...I am glad that they are noticing what is inside too.

    If you could hear three things from people what would you want them to say to you? Would you then believe them if they said to you that you were pretty and that you were warm and caring and that you could sing like a bird too?

    Do you have any plans for the weekend?

    AS

  9. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    309 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi justarando

    Besides echoing Aaronis's helpful posts I think you are a lot stronger than you know

    It took me 3 months to get the courage to create my own thread topic....I just didnt have the self confidence you possess at the time back in 2016

    Please dont hate yourself.....I think you are an amazing person

    The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for us justarando....I really hope you can stick around! Its great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family...Thankyou for posting with us :-)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

  10. justarando
    justarando avatar
    24 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to blondguy
    thanks guys. i dont know because sometimes i just feel as if they say thing because id want them to say it. how am i supposed to tell they genuinely mean it. -and paul its great that you were able to develop and become confident enough to post. i just felt like i needed to let things out but not to people i knew so. and as for this weekend, surprise surprise i have 12 hours of rehearsal for my current show
    1 person found this helpful
  11. blondguy
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    25 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Thanks for understanding (about my lack of confidence) justarando. That was very thoughtful of you

    You are always more than welcome to talk about whats on your mind and let your thoughts flow to us..anytime

    When time allows I really hope you can let us know how your current show went that you have 12 hours of rehearsal for..I wont wish you 'luck' just my admiration and respect

    please be gentle to yourself

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  12. justarando
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    24 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to blondguy
    thank you paul
  13. Aaronsis
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    26 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi J

    I hope you are doing ok as I saw you post just a few minutes ago, I just wanted to stop in and say I was thinking of you and in response to your point of "are they just saying what I want to hear, do they genuinely mean it", well I can't speak for everyone but I can speak for me, I am here as a person who does not get paid by BB, who doesn't even have a Mental Health qualification, just a "rando" who cares, who has been hit with the trauma of suicide and now feels that I have a place in the world to listen, to share what I can and to make 1 person feel and know they are worth it, that in their darkest moment I can say "I care".

    I hope to chat to you some more J

    Hope your study is going well and you can get some sleep tonight.

    AS

  14. justarando
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    24 posts
    26 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi AS,

    thank you so much for constantly replying to not only me, but to everyone you can. its great that BB has someone like you, especially since you also give great advice. it is really appreciated by everyone on this website.

    J

  15. Aaronsis
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    26 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi J

    Thank you so much for that lovely message and I do reply alot as I do care, if I can stop one family from having to go through what we went through on that day and continue to go through then I can feel peace. I am only too hapy to chat and to help and just provide some comfort really, the comfort that my brother never reached out for, but you have, and now I can give to you what I could not to him.

    I hope your day is going well and that you have done something to make you smile.

    I would love to hear that one day you have looked in the mirror, if only for 10 seconds and found something beautiful to love....imagine that....or put your hand on your chest and felt your warm and caring heart...and know you are wonderful.

    Chat soon J

    Sarah

  16. justarando
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    24 posts
    26 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    i am so so sorry about your brother. thank you for everything though,

    Julia

  17. Aaronsis
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    26 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Thank you Julia and it is so wonderful to call you by your beautiful name.

    You have taught me way more than you know so I should be thanking you...

    I have a 13yo daughter and times are tricky as you well know being a teen, so talking to the young adults of the world is so insightful and wonderful for me to learn what goes on and the pain that you go through, sometimes with a smile on your face.

    Thank you for your kind words about my brother, however if there is even one tiny bit of hope out of a shitty situation is that I am here and talking to people like you.

    Sarah :)

  18. Aaronsis
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    28 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey Julia

    Just wanting to stop in and see how you are doing today.

    I have been thinking of you and hope you have something today that has made you smile.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  19. Aaronsis
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    30 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hello Julia

    Just thinking of you and hoping you are good, the fact you are not on here makes me think so which is awesome.

    Take care

    Sarah

  20. justarando
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    24 posts
    31 October 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    genuinely forgot about my thread but like yea i dont know if ive felt any better. thanks for your interest though

  21. Aaronsis
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    31 October 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hey Julia

    I am glad you had forgotten about your thread, means you were busy doing other stuff, I am sending you all my strength and hope for a better tomorrow and that something will make you smile, I am here any old time you need to vent and if not that is fine too.

    Put your hand on your heart and breathe...you are beautiful and you are worth it

    Big hugs to you Julia

    Sarah

  22. justarando
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    24 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    i did some thinking and in conclusion, i am in a better place than last year. last year i constantly felt lonely and just in reality felt sad a lot more compared to now. however now that i moved schools and stuff im fine about all that considering i got away from whats troubling me since now i can start fresh. but it made me realise that my self esteem just significantly dropped since last year. its hard to explain but like, last year if i was doubting myself, i would question why it would be like this and why itd happen to me sort of and i wouldnt get this upset. overtime, i just realised that its just normal for me. i know its like bad to say but i dont know how else to explain it but now when i think about something its just like “well of course it happened to me. im me. i dont deserve anything good and nothing good to me will happen” i know its a bad way to think but its just a way to summarise things. and you’re probably thinking that my self esteems bad because of things that have happened in the past but i can tell it isnt. ive always been pretty self depricating but perhaps now after getting one issue away, its the main thing i focus on. this year before i moved my grades were dropping pretty significantly because of my mental health, but then once i moved, although i can tell i am happier because i know people havent already made judgements about me like it was when at my old school, my other activities are still affected. my grades still arent good and i have interests in anything compared to last year i could have told you at least like 3 things i was interested. i cant make decisions at all, and when doing auditions i compare myself so much to everyone else and just know i cant be as good that i literally started crying during my song. its probably normal for like my grades to still not be as good since im settling in, however ive literally learnt all these topics since my last school was pretty academically extended. i dont know, i guess i just want to know why i feel like this all the time.

    Julia

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Aaronsis
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    2 November 2019 in reply to justarando

    Good Morning Julia

    It is lovely to hear from you and even better to read that you genuinely feel like you are in a better place than this time last year, I was so very very happy to read that, you have been through alot and to hear you feel better, even a tiny bit is fantastic.

    Self esteem is a funny old thing and i believe that it is something that changes during our lives, sometimes you feel on top of the world like you can do anything and are so worthy and othertimes like you dont deserve the dust off the floor. I can see that you have put your school issues from the past aside from your self esteem and that is so wonderful to hear, those people from the past don't get to choose how you are feeling now and even though it was very traumatic for you, they didn't know you then and they certainly don't know you know, nor do they get to say how you feel about you. You write so beautifully and are so articulate and intelligent, you should feel very proud.

    I would not be too concerned just yet that you feel like you can list any interests, you have just been focusing on your mental health and getting well, that is a huge task in itself let alone trying to find things of interest. As you a feeling a little better maybe you could try one new thing, maybe like drawing or even colouring in in mindful books or even writing, you may hate it and that is fine, as you tried it, but..you might love it.

    I find writing so wonderful, a massive purge and get it all out, doesn't have to be for anyone else, but what you could do is write a story, about your life, how you are coping and write the ending, the most amazing ending that you would wish for yourself...how exciting...

    It is a pretty lousy day here in Melbourne so the perfect day for some colouring or writing.

    massive hugs to you Julia, I am so very proud of you and so very happy to be chatting to you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  24. justarando
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    3 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    thanks for giving me an understanding on what i said. as with writing and colouring, i actually have tried writing a few months ago but then did not really enjoy it-a lot of the time it made me realise how bad i felt and it didnt really help me in anyway, plus i sort of just dread writing anyway which is just a habit thing because of school i guess.

    thanks for the advice though

    Julia

  25. Aaronsis
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    4 November 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi Julia

    Great to chat to you some more and I hope that you got to do something over the weekend that made you feel a little happy or put a smile on your face.

    I totally get what you mean about the writing and that it does remind you of school and that is fine, it was just a suggestion that works for me and I understand it doesn't work for everyone. Another thing I do when I am feeling flat or over it is some cooking, how do you feel about that, the good thing about cooking is you can be as creative or as basic as you like, it just takes your mind of the now and you can focus on baking or cooking something, the cool thing is at the end you get to eat something yummy....

    My favorite thing is baking, I love making cakes and cupcakes and I don't necessarily eat them either..ok well I do love a cup cake...but you can get all fancy and make cute icing and decorations...just a nice way to to some distraction for an hour or two. The other part of it is you do get a sense of achievement that you have done something good and that you are capable, that sometimes feels good when you are feeling low about yourself, and if you do pretty cakes it can sometimes make you feel pretty too, weird concept but it kind of works...I would love to know what you think about this?

    Chat really soon Julia

    Your friend Sarah

  26. justarando
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    24 posts
    4 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah

    thanks for the idea, occasionally i bake but usually with my mum because for some reason i dont trust myself to make things by myself? ahah i dont know, i’m literally fifteen. but yea holidays are coming up i guess ill try and bake more but im just afraid ill wanna eat it because i dont need to gain anymore weight as its something i really struggle with. great idea though thank you

    Juliab

  27. Aaronsis
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    5 November 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi Julia

    That is really great that you do some baking and cooking with your mum, that is something really nice that you can do together. With what you said about worrying about how stuff will turn out, who cares..if you burn it or it doesn't work it really doesn't matter, afterall you would be doing it as a thing to keep your mind busy to have some relief from the noise. I get what you mean though and it can be alot.

    I didn't know that you are 15, my son is 15 too, he is playing a game on the playstation atm...he moves between that and playing his drums. My daughter is at her friends house today, it is the first time all year that they have been able to catch up, now that they are in high school and go to different schools, it is so hard as you know with managing the whole friend thing, they struggle too.

    Do you have any plans for the Christmas holidays? Does your family go away anywhere? We usually go camping but I am not sure we will this year. I would like to stay home and be close to my dad as it will be our first Christmas without my brother, I am starting to prepare for that....do you think it is weird if I put a candle on the table, would that freak my kids out?

    Great to chat to you some more beautiful girl

    Hugs to you

    Sarah

  28. justarando
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    7 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    i dont think i have any plans for the christmas holidays. probably just saying at home or something. as for the candle idea, i think its great. it shouldnt really freak your kids out i dont think. well me being a similar age i would totally understand it.

    Julia

  29. Aaronsis
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    8 November 2019 in reply to justarando

    Hi Julia

    Great to hear from you and I am so happy that you think that the candle idea is good and that my kids wont think it weird. I just want to do something to acknowledge that my brother is missing, even though we all know that, if that makes sense.

    I think I will be pretty much hanging around home this Christmas too, we usually go camping but not really feeling like be too far away from family I think. Do you like shopping for Christmas, I love it and am kind of getting excited to buy new things for the table and kind of make it really outstandingly beautiful....a special sad kind of Christmas this year. What do you do on Christmas day?

    How has your week been so far? Any plans for the weekend?

    Looking forward to chatting to you.

    Sarah :)

  30. justarando
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    9 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    hi sarah,

    your christmas sounds like itll be fun. personally, i wish i liked christmas shopping however im just so indecisive and can never tell if the person will like it hahaha. on christmas day i occasionally spend time with some of my cousins but i dont think we are going this year. since we are orthodox, we have 2 christmas’ so normal catholic christmas we will probably see one set of grandparents and then orthodox christmas see the other set and have lunch or dinner. my week has been pretty hectic to be honest, monday and tuesday i had school day off because of melbourne cup so on monday i went shopping and tuesday my friend had a picnic for her birthday. then that night i had a 5 hour rehearsal in theatre for my current musical showcase thing, same with wednesday. then thursday, friday and saturday i had/have four performances. really ready for it to be over to be honest but oh well.

    what about you?

    Julia