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Topic: I hate myself.

20 posts, 0 answered
  1. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    18 September 2018

    This is my first post so it's a little scary...my feelings were quite clear when I was contemplating writing this post, however as I sit down to do it my emotions are muddled. One of the prominent feelings I am experiencing is just an deep hatred for myself in every aspect. My appearance mostly - I'm ugly and i'm not afraid to share this view of myself with others. I do not share this out of a want for people to tell me "no, your pretty", I almost do it as a cry for help. In fact it makes me so angry when people tell me i'm not ugly, because they are blatantly lying to my face. I know i'm ugly, I have eyeballs- and what saddens me most is no one besides a plastic surgeon can help me.

    On these forums when people comment on their appearance, the solutions offered is; to not focus on the negatives, that you should appreciate your health/able body, and that personality is more than appearance. All the solutions do not help me at all, I agree i'm appreciative of what I have, however to me my ugly face is an issue.

    The worst part in my opinion is that if I had a good personality, it would make up for my bad looks. I'm a terrible person. I'm lazy, rude, selfish, and unmotivated.

    I feel lost, I have no idea how to fix myself- how I should behave and act. I'm over feeling sorry for my self, and my constant loneliness and crave for attention.

    Despite the fact that no guy would ever want me, I cant even find satisfaction in my own friends. I have friends however they don't like me and I don't like them. I'm not close with anyone, and I would never show my family my true self. The person I am around them, is different to the person who I am around my friends, which is different to the person in my head.

    who am I? and what did I do to deserve an ugly face, it's not fair.

    I'm not important to anyone, I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel my only purpose is to have children, however to do this I need a partner, whom I could not get as I am me. If I wasn't here no one would notice or care.

    I'm not depressed as death is my biggest fear, I want to live. I'm not anxious as I never stress over anything. I'm just numb to life.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    203 posts
    18 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol~

    I'm glad you posted. It may have been scary, however this is a pretty friendly and understanding place. That courage won't be wasted.

    Frankly you sound very down, and I'm not sure it is all about looks. The things you say about being unmotivated, hiding who you are from family, and a different mask for friends and being a terrible person - plus being numb - all reminds me of me when my PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression was really biting.

    May I suggest first off you see your doctor, say what you have said here, then see what happens. You may have depression, if so treatment can help -as it has helped me. Again that can be a scary thing to do, but you have done one of those already, coming here.

    Now I really would like you not to argue about the next thing I say because I know it is true. I've no idea what you look like however a radiant smile to the right person trumps anything. Such smiles simply come from being overwhelmingly happy. I know, at the moment you are not, and may not be for a while. Still it can happen.

    Being down and unhappy can be a motivator, I was in such a horrible place it spurred me on to try things (the medical people being just one thing). Can I ask what sort of things have given you pleasure in the past? Maybe even distracted your mind away from current hassles? Doing things for you is not being selfish, it makes for a balance, you become less unhappy. I hope I'm making sense?

    I don't think things turn around overnight, I do think one gets better at coping, which can be a source of satisfaction in itself.

    I suspect your purpose is there, just needing or be discovered. It may be kids as you said, it may be something else - what do you think?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    18 September 2018 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix,

    Words cannot describe how appreciative I am of your reply. Frankly I wasn't expecting a reply that I would agree with/could help me...however your advice has been so meaningful. Whilst I'm not sure about going to a doctor, your comment on a radiant smile was received. I can not thank you enough for actually validating my feelings instead of just saying I'm sure you're not ugly.

    Personality wise, I wish someone just told me how to act. The only thing that distracts me/gives me pleasure is music/Tv shows, so that I can fall asleep without thoughts flooding my mind.

    I just want a companion, not even a boyfriend (although that would be nice), just a true friend to have. I know I can't rely of the approval of others but I feel as though this is something I need desperately.

    Do you have any advice on trying to figure out my identity?

    X

  4. Croix
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    18 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol~

    I'm glad it helped, it is true.

    Music and TV shows are a start, have you had favorites? We are not that different, movies and books for me. I don't mind re-visiting them either. I really look forward both to the evening and a book or movie and the effect it will have, a bit like heading for an oasis. Would there be any that you could enjoy without dozing off?

    I think you are far too alive to simply do what someone else says, I'm sure it would chafe pretty quickly. Learning for yourself does work, more mistakes which hurt, but more happy coincidences too. You do not have to know who you are, you learn. Takes time. Basically happens without thinking.

    Wanting a companion, or a BF, is natural and for most of us to be expected we would feel that way. I'm incomplete without my partner. Luckily she feels the same way. It is not seeking approval, it is giving and taking. You do things to make your partner happy, or because your partner needs them, not for mere approval.

    Can I suggest you take stock of all the many things you can bring to a friendship? If you are honest with yourself you will find there is an awful lot. You have to think about it though. You said you wore a mask - or two. That helps, you can see what you are doing and can be honest when the occasion demands it, so someone can see you. In a way I'm taking of a mask now. Helps you see other people's masks too.

    You talked of being rude - so you know the impulse and can combat it as needed, that makes arguments that much more benign and less hurtful (arguments do happen despite good intentions).

    Do you get the idea? I probably sound like I"m lecturing, maybe I am, however I'm just looking at myself and trying to pass on the good useful bits :)

    Croix

  5. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to Croix
    I'm not sure, I'm just always sad. Never content. I'm not anyone's first choice or favourite, people tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them but I know there's always someone they'll choose over me. I can't imagine someone ever thinking about me, wondering how I am, finding me attractive, wanting to impress me. No one likes me, wants me, needs me or cares. It's okay I understand. I wouldn't choose me either. I know I'm ugly and a terrible and I'm trying to be better. I know I'm not good enough and it sucks. I wish I was anyone else.
  6. Croix
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    19 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol~

    Things come in ups and downs, and you sound down at the moment. Do you mind if I ask if anything has happened to make things worse? All those ideas about yourself do - as I said - remind me of me when I've had illness press me.

    You did say you were not sure about going to a doctor, can you say what is holding you back? Many people struggle with the idea to start with.

    Croix

  7. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to Croix
    I hate being around people who I love so much, but will never love me...because I am me.
  8. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    244 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol

    Welcome to the forum. I agree with you, the first post is so very often hard to write. But here you are writing in a way that explains how you feel and which we can understand. Great stuff.

    As I read through your posts and Croix' replies it seemed to me that much of your conversation was about shame. It seems you are so ashamed of what you are, or rather how you see yourself, that being open to compliments and love is something you cannot bring yourself to believe. I wonder how you feel about this. Do you think it's true?

    I don't know how you look or what you say to others and I am definitely not trying to make you believe you are different to your description. What I am wondering is, has anyone in your life, at any time in your life, told you or implied you are ugly and caused you feel such a deep sense of shame. I remember in my childhood I was often told I was fat, yet when I see photos of my younger self I cannot see why I was labelled this way. Of course at the time I believed it because it is hard to see yourself properly when you have this overlay, so to speak, of someone else's opinion.

    I see in your first post you said, On these forums when people comment on their appearance, the solutions offered is; to not focus on the negatives, that you should appreciate your health/able body, and that personality is more than appearance. I think I would get annoyed at being spoken to in the fashion. In fact I remember someone telling me when I was in a very dark place with depression to 'focus on the positive'. I think my response was very restrained. In reality of course others have no idea what to say and fall back on irritating platitudes. Well we cannot make anyone talk to us honestly.

    You spoke of your anger and rudeness. When I start to feel shame I know that's often my response. You don't want to be the person you describe but when someone contradicts you it triggers an outburst because you feel you are being pitied and patronised. Yep, been there.

    Croix' suggestion of visiting your GP sounds OK to me. I see you are going to consider it. Your doctor has a great deal of knowledge and expertise in all manner of issues. They need this to diagnose illness and to know when and where to refer their patients. Why not give it a go? You do not need to agree with them and you can walk away. However I hope you will be as open as you have been here and consider what they have to say.

    Doctors tell the truth and I rely on this. Give it a go.

    Mary

  9. blondguy
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    295 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Hi SnowPatrol!

    I didnt notice that you had another thread topic running at the same time

    Just so we can make room for new members can you let us know which of your threads you would like us to post to you on?

    You will get more replies if we can answer you on one thread if thats okay :-)

    Great to have you on the forums SnowPatrol

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

  10. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Hi all,

    I'm not sure how the thread thing works, I would love to hear more from you all on this chat?

    Thanks

  11. blondguy
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    295 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    No worries SnowPatrol....I will stick to this chat subject instead of the other one

    It does take some time to figure out how these forums work.I remember when I started..I was all over the place

    Your posts are important to us SnowPatrol...

    Paul

  12. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks for your understanding Blondguy,

    Do you have any advice in regards to my first post on this thread?

    x

  13. blondguy
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    19 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    No worries SnowPatrol

    You mentioned in your first post..."I'm lazy, rude, selfish, and unmotivated"...

    ummmm..with all respect...I dont think so, I see a proactive person....because a lazy, rude, selfish and unmotivated person doesnt have the strength you do....Self expression isnt a problem for you:-)

    You are very hard on yourself SnowPatrol....Some people I know off the forums dont have the ability you possess to post on the forums....seriously

    You are amazing....

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  14. SammyD100
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    SammyD100 avatar
    6 posts
    20 September 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Hi SnowPatrol

    As others have said, welcome to beyondblue – you have shown a lot of courage reaching out for help and you have been able to articulate your thoughts so clearly! Hopefully you are feeling the support of the BB community and are starting to feel more positive.

    There’s been lots of good advice already, so I thought I’d pick up on something that stood out to me as I read your post.

    You say that you are lazy, rude, selfish and unmotivated. I wonder what evidence you have that this is the case? From the way you have expressed yourself - your clear appreciation for the responses and support you have received, and your ability to return to the forum to check for new posts and respond to these – these actions suggest that you have a real level of motivation, commitment, tact and sincerity. Has anyone ever told you that you are lazy? Rude? Selfish? Unmotivated? Or are these some possibly unhelpful attributes that you are projecting onto yourself? I would like to be able to gently challenge you a bit more on these if you are open to this?

    Sometimes we tell ourselves things that we think are true, and as a result feel terrible, and project these feelings onto other people. And then we possibly get into a vicious type of cycle where the way people respond to us (because we have projected our negative thoughts onto them) becomes more and more negative because that’s how we’re interacting with them. And then over time this becomes more and more self-fulfilling. But in actual fact, if we can go back to that initial thought, it was never really all that accurate to begin with? So for example I might say to myself, “I’m such a dull person, no one will want to be my friend”. As a result I’ll feel a bit down about myself. Then the next time I’m at a social event or a class etc, I’ll be thinking to myself, “no one will want to talk to me because I’m dull”. As a result, I might keep to myself, hide in the corner, stop myself from approaching people and saying hi – and no one will talk to me. That will reinforce what I was thinking of myself, and I’ll believe it even more.

    This may not be the case for you but I wonder if there’s a small chance that some of the things you are telling yourself are possibly exaggerated thoughts?

    Keep chatting on the forums SnowPatrol and all the best!
    SammyD

    2 people found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    111 posts
    21 September 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Snow patrol,

    Quite a few people have given you interesting answers and suggestions and most of all listened to you..

    I can relate to parts of your fist posts. at times I too am rude, lazy selfish and unmotivated but I am not that all time and I can you tell you arempolite in the way you have replied or other posters.

    we can get stuck on names but he fact you see yourself as described by those names to me means you have insight and probably they sometimes you may behave like that.

    people who are like that rarely admit to it..

    I feel the way we feel about our looks can be affected by what people say to us. A family member told me I was letting myself go and not looking after myself and I looke d much older than I am. That upset but after weeks of reflecting the words I feel this is not my problem. I am no model but I feel ok about how I look after myself.

    images about beauty and ugliness change over time and through cultures.

    I would not tell,you to think of the positives. It to think about what matters to you, what you value, what is important to you.

    Thanks again for your honesty.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  16. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    6 October 2018

    Hi everyone,

    Firstly, I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to me. Upon revisiting this forum and the words I have written previously, I realise they unfortunately hit me now more than ever. I realise the only way to fix my feelings is to not care what’s others think of you, and to be honest I don’t really. No one has ever insulted me in my life, my only enemy is myself,..

    My face is a constant that again can only be fixed by plastic surgery however my body more specifically my stomach is not. I am involved in quite a lot of sport however I believe it’s my diet that lets me down... im scared I am getting to the point of developing a eating disorder as the idea of limiting my food intake is at the forefront of my mind. I know this sounds absurd but guys don’t really worry about what your face looks like as long as you have a good body. And so achieving a flat stomach has become my goal....whilst this sounds sad in some aspects it has given me hope.

    In addition to these seemingly new waves of thought, I want to add that I have gone on medication for the last 2 months in order to fix my skin. I have experienced no side effects besides from mild memory loss. Whilst some may atribute my feelings to this drug, I was already feeling this way prior...

    looking forward to hearing from you all,

    x

  17. Croix
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    6 October 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol~

    Once again I'd have to say I think you are wrong. It is not really you that is your enemy, it is simply the illness talking. I know, you will find that hard to believe, in fact unless you think about it for a while you would find it easier to discount what I say rather than take it seriously.

    My depression, anxiety and PTSD fooled me completely into thinking everything that was wrong was my inadequacies, my fault. Those thoughts about myself seemed to me at the time to be completely genuine and reasonable (illness can be so convincing).

    You believe the body (including the face) is the passport to a mate and happiness.

    OK, you may not have the face or body you might like, as I said before I've no idea of your appearance.

    I came to treasure, love and then marry and just as importantly stay with my first partner (sadly since passed away) for her kindness, understanding, capability, and for being fun to be with, plus I because could rely upon her absolutely. My previous expediences with a couple of more glamorous girlfriends had not worked.

    My partners smile is my fondest memory of her, which is why I mentioned it to you before. It is also what first made me 'see' her among a whole bevy of her workmates.

    Nothing wrong with trying for the fittest most healthy body you can. In some rare circumstances plastic surgery can be appropriate too. I don't know your situation but suspect it may not be quite as you perceive it.

    Please forgive me for saying this however reading carefully what you say I suspect you are speaking from the point of view of both an unhappy background plus inexperience. "guys" is a vague generalization, "want a good body" is another. Good bodies fade in time - then what?

    You, like everyone else, needs someone that values you the person. The person who has suffered, the person who has had to learn. The person that can offer understanding from her own trials. You have so much to give and only have to find one person out of he whole world that needs your giving and wants to give back.

    It may take time perseverance and medical help to reach the stage where your thoughts leave you reasonably comfortable with you, but it is doable.

    I'm not exaggerating, or distorting, just telling you the truth - I'm simply relating the changes in me (even though they were for other reasons they are the same changes)

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  18. nonza
    nonza avatar
    1 posts
    24 October 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Hi this is my first day on this site and I am glad I came across your post because i feel the exact same way, I am not attractive at all and my personality is the worse, I am very socially awkward and nervous in public, i have no humor nor emotion and I am very shy which means that overall i am not a very good person to be around. I guess that I am writing this comment so you know you aren't the only one, I don't have very good advice because because it is what I struggle with the most but yeah.

    I think that it is important to know that ourselves are our own worst enemy, and it shouldn't be the case, I feel like sooner or later you and I both are going to have to except who we are, because we only live once and life is too short to ponder over what we are and what we aren't. I think acceptance is a big key and if you can find a hobby or something that you are passionate about for you to focus one, than maybe you will feel less worthless (I don't know what I'm writing to be honest), for me it is drawing, when I feel upset I will sit down and draw and whenever I draw I stop thinking about everything else because I am purely focused on getting the colors and proportions right on my piece.

    I think you have to except who you are and just be yourself because trust me I have learnt the hard way (and you probably have too) trying to be someone I'm not and just end up making a fool of myself even more.u just have to be yourself and if your current friends don't like you for who you are than it just wasn't meant to be. Their is around 4 billion males in the world and unless you have met every single one of them who say they don't like you have just as much as a chance of finding a guy as everyone else, just because you have found the one yet, that doesn't mean he isn't going to come along. I know you are saying you don't know who you are but I think that it is normal if you act different depending on who you are with (I mean i do anyway), to put it into perspective, when you are with your friends you may use slang, swear and talk about boys, but on the other hand if you were to meet the queen than i highly suspect you are going to act completely different...

    anyway this is it I guess, not sure if I was helpful or not but I guess the one thing I want you to get out of this is that you are not alone

    1 person found this helpful
  19. SnowPatrol
    SnowPatrol avatar
    10 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to nonza

    Hi,

    I'm so sorry it has taken this long for me to see your post!

    Honestly it was the best thing that has happened to me all month, I have never met or talked to someone with such similar ideologies to me. It helps a great deal to hear you relate to me too.

    I completely agree with that you are saying about acceptance, and confidence (more so lack thereof).

    I don't know how to act, who to hang out with, my purpose in life or my priorities....

    love to hear your thoughts...

    SnowPatrol xxxx

  20. aggy2801
    aggy2801 avatar
    7 posts
    25 November 2018 in reply to SnowPatrol

    Dear SnowPatrol,

    I know exactly how your feeling. Right now i hate everything about myself. I'm learning to try accept myself for who i am although its proving rather difficult. I hate my body image, i'm overweight and ugly and i know that i am but when other girls say, "oh no your skinny" it makes me angry as they're lying to me. It also annoys me when people talk about body image for attention, they'll say their ugly when they know they're pretty. Some people have come to our school and talk about body image, and one person told us to just never talk about it ever. Honestly that was the worst advice i have heard. When it comes to loving your own appearance it's about accepting your flaws and loving the worst parts of yourself. People have told me this before and it's hard to do. I'm still trying and it doesn't help that i'm one of the most self conscious people in the world, sometimes it's just about letting your confidence shine through. Also i think its important that we don't look up to such unrealistic expectations, for how someone should look. And everyone has insecurities.

    You say that your selfish, lazy and unmotivated and i think that i am too. I'm unmotivated to d anything, i spend my free time lounging on the couch and i don't always put others first. It's important to remember that everyone has their flaws and everyone has positives to you have positives to your personality even if you can't see them.

    I don't feel close enough to anyone to tell people about how i feel as i once tried to tell my friend and she ignored me. I hope that someone will notice that i'm unhappy but i know that no one will. Sometimes we just have to do stuff for ourselves and sometimes we are the only ones who can make us feel better. I hope that this will help somewhat and i'm sorry if it doesn't. Just know that other people like me are going through the same stuff as you.

    aggy2801

    1 person found this helpful