Thank you for replying, you said some very nice things and I am very touched. I was really feeling down when I typed that post before, and I am feeling a bit better now... obviously not sunshine and rainbows and whatnot, but I have managed to dry my tears and think more clearly again.
You are right, "should" is a horrible word. I use it way too much. I put so much pressure on myself and beat myself up for my past failures. I am kind of a perfectionist- I am terrified of failure, of what people think of me and of not achieving my goals... funnily enough, for a perfectionist, I do fail a lot. I know failing is a part of life and from failures and mistakes, you learn and grow. I have made some mistakes that I can now accept as learning and growing experiences. I think it took me a while to get there though, because I am really struggling to let go of some of my more recent mistakes/failures.
For example... due to missing a lot of school this year, I failed some classes and as a result, I have had to make the decision to not graduate next year but a year later. Of course I see the benefits (I will be less stressed as I have longer to get better and improve my grades, and at least I will graduating, even if it takes longer) but it's been really hard for me to truly accept it.I have always been a smart person, getting good grades, more or less staying on top of my work, etc. My grades have suffered a bit this year due to mental health issues, not because I'm not smart enough or wasn't trying. Graduating later doesn't make me less smart. But regardless of how many times I tell myself those things, it just feels like the biggest blow. Like honestly, my worst fail yet. It's ridiculous of me to say these things though, because if my friend told me she had to graduate a year later, I would 100% support her and not think less of her. But I can't say the same for myself, and it's really affecting me because I haven't told any of my friends yet, I don't know how to tell them. I feel horrible for not telling them because well, I'm basically lying to them about a lot of things, like what I'm doing next year or whatever.
I'm sure somehow I will figure it out, whether that be on my own or with the help of some others. Life is just a tough thing to be going through right now, especially alone. It could be heaps worse, I'm grateful for the fact that at least I don't have things worse but it's still a difficult thing to deal with.