I’m 19 years old, in 4th year of university and for the nth time, I’m feeling sorry for myself and how my life has gone by so far.
I know I’m still young and my youth is not over yet, but there was so much I wanted to and assumed I would do in my teen years, and now that it’s just a few months from being over, I reflect back and see a childhood and adolescence spent being the “perfect child” and “focusing on the future”. I’ve always accepted that school and future career are all that matters and any other activities and relationships are a waste of time that can be done better and be more fruitful in adulthood and thus, until end of high school I spent every free minute studying beyond the curriculum or practicing piano, being unimpressed by my peers talking about using Tinder or going to parties. I never got to have a best friend or group of friends with whom I’d have sleepovers and adventures.
Once I started uni, I did the same, putting no effort into making friends because every second is one I could spend studying. I did much more than I had to but I was proud of my work then.
I assumed skipping two years of school would mean I’d be way ahead and have more leeway in the future, and didn’t see any problem since I’d always been mature for my age. But, now I realise this has forced me to deal with problems for adolescents going through puberty together with problems of the real world. In 2.5 years I’ll graduate and be a doctor - it’s just non-stop from here.
I’ve never felt strong feelings for any guy, never felt a selfless love in a beautiful and strong relationship. Hell, I’ve never even truly liked someone and I doubt I ever will. I’ve tried to fake it, convince myself I’m into a guy, but it never worked. I think marriage is just when you get to a certain age and just settle with someone who’s just good enough, but I always wanted to experience the “love” that everyone romanticises. I have no time to meet anyone, and never will. I never had the chance to because I was focused on the one single aspect of my life this whole time.
I’ve missed the opportunity for young, innocent love and am entering a new age where motives for dating will not be pure. I spent nearly 20 years looking down on and being afraid of everything that makes youth YOUTH, and now it’s too late.
But hey, at least I’ll be a doctor right? Even though I no longer view success the same way I did four years ago...