I’m lost with words and emotions right now. I’ve had sleepless nights and cry myself to sleep. People would label me as the brightest person in the room yet I feel the darkest. It’s an effort to put myself out there and visit friends or to talk to my family about how I feel inside. If I did I would automatically change the subject about them to not talk about myself, I have always done that. But I’m so exhausted in seeing how other people are because no one asks how I am. Im only 24 and life seems to be so hard that I can’t bare to be at work or around my friends or even love my partner of 4 years.
I recently had helped a good friend of mine that got out of a abusive relationship. I let her and her new born baby live with us as like she was my own blood family. I did everything I could do just to get her back into her feet. A month or so had past and she had been saying dishonest things and she ended up going back to the man she said she hated. She had messaged me and said she had left and said it was all a lie just for her to receive payment from the government. That she would rip the government off ?
After all this had happened I felt every emotion running through my body. All my happiness I had just gone.
I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend and would help anyone if needed. People had told me it’s her fault that I shouldn’t worry but that’s not what I am most concerned about. I’m not concerned about her or anyone else but myself because I feel empty and miserable. I find myself daydreaming about nothing and just staring at a wall.
I feel like somethings really wrong with me inside but I am to afraid to talk face to face with someone because I can’t get the words out. I struggle to tel my family because they see me as the happiest sister or daughter of the family (the clown). I’m afraid my partner won’t be bothered to listen to my own problems and he might just walk away.
I feel emptiness inside of me and I’m afraid of it.