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Topic: i don't know what's wrong with me

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. rosentity
    rosentity avatar
    1 posts
    16 December 2018

    i'm currently in high school, so of course there is going to be days when i'm feeling down, but there's been an ongoing feeling of dread for nearly 3 years now.
    i've been to school counselors - but all i do with them is write in a journal and talk about how i've been feeling. i always hold myself back from telling the truth. not to be a stereotype, but when asked how i am, i always reply with 'good'. i know i should tell them about the mental pain i'm in but i just can't seem to get it out.
    i've told a few select friends about how i feel and they have all been supportive, but again i have never told them the full extent.

    i don't know how to describe how i am feeling. i'm dreading each day more and more but then there's moments where i think not a single thing is wrong with me. i can't remember the last time i was genuinely happy.
    i've had a lot of shitty things happen to me, and have done some shitty things myself.
    i have a big issue with food at the moment. this has been going on for 2 years now. the more i eat the more i hate myself. it's stupid. why am i so disgusted with myself for doing the thing that helps me live.
    part of myself believes it's because i don't care if i live or die anymore. i don't feel like i'm living. i feel as if i'm watching myself from higher above, or as if i'm simply acting in a t.v show or movie. my emotions and actions only feel real at the moment they are happening, and as soon as they are over i feel as if nothing ever happened.

    i am definitely way to sensitive and i cry over the smallest of things. people tell me i take things too personally, and i know i do, but when i get told that it always make me feel worse. i just want to stop feeling like i don't matter and start feeling like a real person. i want to experience happy emotions and not this ongoing dread and sadness, that people don't take seriously enough.

    counselors and family don't want to admit it's depression but i genuinely think it is.

    the main thing that makes me feel worse is that i can't tell people how i actually feel. i'll cry in front of them and tell them that i've been feeling terrible lately, but that will be it.

    i won't tell them that it's been happening for 3 years and that it just gets worse sometimes. i always feel like i'm not me and this is not my life.

    i'm only fourteen and i want to stop feeling as terrible and disgusting as i do. i don't want to be an 'attention seeking' stereotype for the rest of my life. i'm so young and i hate this.

  2. mazzystar
    mazzystar avatar
    1 posts
    16 December 2018 in reply to rosentity

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through such a hard time. This is probably not the best help but I just want to let you know that I had an extremely similar high school experience at your age. I had many feelings identical to the ones you’re describing and no one would classify it as depression.

    Eventually my parents took me to a psychologist and I was diagnosed and from then on things became more manageable. Once you have a clearer understanding of what’s going on for you it’s a lot easier to find healthy ways to cope and move forward.

    If possible I’d suggest finding a new counsellor and pushing to see a mental health professional. Try to discuss these feelings with your parents/family and suggest to them that you need some extra help. I can assure you that if they knew the extent of how you felt they’d want to help you.

    I also just want to let you know that you’re not alone in this and it’s awesome that you’ve been able to open up here.

    Maz

  3. Lee lee 73
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Lee lee 73 avatar
    2 posts
    16 December 2018 in reply to rosentity

    Hello Rosentity,

    I'm so very sorry to hear you are struggling so much and by the sounds of it, for so long and without support. It takes courage to come and post here, so well done to you.

    Maybe it would help if you did tell your counselors and your parents what you just wrote here. Maybe then they will be able to look into getting you the professional help you so deserve. I know it is so hard and it's easier said than done.

    There is also a kids helpline for ages 5-25. The number is 1800 55 1800. Or you can Google them and chat online for professional support. As well as beyond blue's online chat or phone line.

    I feel for you Rosentity. If it helps, please also talk more here. It is safe and you're talking to people who have similar struggles.

    Please take good care. You are important Rosentity. You have been brave by coming here. I wish there were more I could do for you.

    I hope to hear from you again soon.

    Sending you caring thoughts.

    Lee Lee73

  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    876 posts
    17 December 2018 in reply to rosentity

    Hello Rosentity, it's brave for you to come and open up to us, we do appreciate it and want to help you.

    Being sensitive can mean that you keep asking yourself questions about what someone has said to you and if you constantly see this person try and stay away from them, they don't need to stay in your life.

    If you feel it's depression then that's what you need to tell your friend/s, parents, the longer you hold this in within yourself the quicker and the bigger this will become.

    Your 14 and it's only 2 years until you start to drive and then your studies will be increasing, which is always a difficult time, so you need to get your parents to agree to see a psychologist.

    If someone is always criticising you, there's no reason why they should be part of your life.

    There a possibility why you don't open up to the counsellor or parents and that's why you 'cry over the smallest thing', I'm sorry that's not your fault, you are a caring person and no one seems to appreciate that.

    Please don't put it off any longer and get the help to make you a stronger person.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  5. teacupofinsanity
    teacupofinsanity avatar
    1 posts
    17 December 2018 in reply to rosentity

    Rosentity,

    I highly empathize with the feelings of dread. I have been out of High School for 5 years now, but I can tell you, from Year 7 to 10 I felt a combination of sadness, anger, dread and felt so alone even if I was in a large group of friends. I would cry at random moments, or if something small would happen in class (i.e. a teacher tell me to move seats, close my book, close my laptop, stop talking) I would cry. I would cry when people wouldn't pick me for sports. I would cry when I was overwhelmed with studying. Overall, I feel your pain.

    For me, in Year 11 and 12 something changed in me and I still do not know what it is today.

    Work through it and remember you are not alone.

    - Teacup