Thank you to anyone who tries to answer my question. I will most probhably sound like a child, my problems arent even as serious.
So my issues go waaay back into high school, but i would predominantly like to talk about whats happening now.
I really hate myself.
And i hate the fact that i hate myself.
I am self aware. I know that its unhealthy to hate yourself and have no self esteem. Its probhably the reason why i am always alone and secluded - maybe people can see that i am not confident and am just trying to be fake.
Most people say "love yourself". Books say "have a positive mindset and you'll always find something good". BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU HATE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!
I look disgusting. I am overweight. I am not the high acheiver i used to be. I dont feel intelligent anymore. I am weird. I am not that nerdy that i would sit all day studying but i aint the extreme party animal either. I am unconventional and that makes me stand out, but what does that do? Makes me isolated cause everyone thinks i am cringy or too rigid or too studious or too whatever- they ll find a hundred words.
I thought my weirdness makes me unique. But ofcourse, i can see its the complete opposite, cause no one really takes me to be a long standing friend. I dont fit into any group.
I was a confident, robust, fearless individual. Now, i sit quiet in lectures while others shout the answers and get ahead. Why? Where did my fierce self go? I dont know.
My old friends, the ones i am no longer in touch with. They all post stuff and are enjoying their lives. They have found new people. Why do i feel like i am the only one having trouble making friends? I do go up and introduce myself, i do go up and make small talk. No use.
I go to an amazing uni, and am trying things that i never did before. But i am afraid to post anything i want to. What makes me scared or concious? I DONT KNOW.
Its annoying how i know that my low self esteem is holding me back on everything. I could be living a much more fulfilling life today. But i dont see how i am supposed to switch my thinking because i have nothing in me that i am proud of. I am looked deep down so hard, and everything that looks maybe nice feels insignificant because no one cares about those qualities.
Ultimately, i just feel like a mess. I really dont know what to do with myself. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling lonely and disgusted at myself.
Can someone maybe tell me what to do?