this time last year i was in a similar position- not going to school, depressed, days blurring together, etc, only by the end of the month, things were looking up again. This time feels different, because I'm not supposed to be like this right now. I was supposed to be happy and thriving. I was supposed to be studying for exams, looking forward to school holidays and hanging out with friends on the weekend. Instead I'm not going to be doing exams, I'm graduating in 2021 instead of next year and I feel absolutely nothing 98% of the time. My parents are supportive and would do anything to help, but they're busy with work. It's selfish but I always wish they put more time into my situation. I wish they called the psychologist when I first asked them to, and I wish they would talk to my school and sort something out. I'm sick of waiting for the psychologist to get back to us. I'm sick of feeling aimless, floating through life, not knowing what will happen next or if anything will happen at all. I'm sick of waiting for something to happen. No one barely ever gets what they want by simply waiting, I know, but I am paralysed. I can't talk to my mum about my feelings anymore because I know what she'll say- "you just have to try." Like geez, if only someone told me that 2 months ago, then I wouldn't be in this situation anymore!!! (note the sarcasm). I know my mum means best, but she doesn't always get it. I don't know what to do, I'm paralysed, I have no motivation most days or at least, motivation to do something that really matters anyway. The most productive things I've done in maybe the past month is bake and clean, which are rather mindless tasks really. I should be emailing my school, getting to bed and waking up early, studying, exercising, taking proper care of myself. But I simply can't. It's like the part of my brain that knows how to do those things is malfunctioning.
I want to achieve great things in my life- get good grades, travel, go to uni, become a journalist, make a positive change in the world. But I can't think about doing any of that right now, because I can't do the bare minimum. I want to at least be healthy and fit, and a good student. But I can't go to school or exercise or eat properly or sleep properly.
I'm so completely utterly absolutely over it. I just want to be happy and okay. I'm sick of just surviving, I want to LIVE. I'm so over depression and anxiety paralysing me and keeping me from being who i want to be.