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Topic: I'm convinced that I have a mental illness

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. MacJS
    MacJS avatar
    2 posts
    24 October 2019

    I am convinced that I have some sort of mental illness (anxiety) and I feel like the people I talk to, like my counsellor, friends or family; don't understand how bad this feels. It feels like torture. Anxiety is now starting to affect my daily life, most of the time I will refuse to go shopping with other people or go to birthday parties. I also have thoughts about something awful happening or situations that I don't wish to be in, these thoughts sometimes might end up making me tear or cry. I also overthink every little thing I do, and I think it's becoming a little obsessive.

    Walking down the street, hanging out with friends at the park, crossing roads, walking on the sidewalk/pathways, on my way to school and especially during class I feel very anxious. During class, if a teacher stands behind or next to me; I completely stop what I'm doing or close my laptop until they move away from me. If I hurt myself, need help, need to ask a question or want to answer a question; I simply just cannot do it. I mostly do this to my favourite teacher, which I find quite odd.

    I am the smartest person in my class and have a feeling that I always have to be correct or get good grades otherwise, I feel like a failure. I know this isn't really good and I try to tell myself that I can't be perfect and get 100% all the time. The funny is, I encourage other people that they are doing an amazing job, they are perfect the way they are and are very smart, but with me. It's different. I'm the total opposite with me, I'm harsh and very critical about what the things I do. Even if I did excellent in something, there is also something to judge about myself. There was a time where I did an excellent presentation in front of the class and got an A+. But, I still said to myself "No one else tried as hard as you, so why do you have to go over and beyond? You look stupid and everyone probably thinks you're a tryhard".

    I do sometimes have suidical thoughts but I don't want to hurt myself or end my life. I think this all started from an incident that happened in class, I became the centre of attention and most kids laughed at me. Some kids still bring it up today and it happened 7 months ago. I might just be too hard on myself and have social anxiety, but can't seem to stop any of this. Any help?

  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    Aaronsis avatar
    44 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to MacJS

    Good Morning MacJS

    I want to start by saying welcome and it is so very awesome you are here reaching out and talking to get some support and some comfort at this time...it is so very brave of you to express how you are feeling and although you don't know this yet you have just given me the very help that I started on this forum to find...

    You see..3 months ago I lost my brother to suicide, he was 19 years old. He wrote about things that alluded to perhaps anxiety and depression, although he was never diagnosed as he never went to see a doctor. He too was the smartest boy in his class, being dux for every level and went on to Uni to study Chemical Engineering, he received 3 scholarships to do so , he got half way through his second year when the pages of his life ran out. I am not going to go on too much about his story only that if I felt like he could have spoken out your very post is perhaps what he would have written...YOU ARE NOT ALONE MacJS, there are so many young adults that are feeling just like you, and I am so very happy that you are here, talking and more importantly showing up..to life everyday.

    So I guess here is the relevance of what my post is trying to say to you...I have the chance now to say to you everything I would have wanted to say to him, which is how you have helped me today...

    Firstly your intelligence is by now means the summary of who you are as a person, I can tell from your message how warm and caring you are. I can hear how frightened and frustrated you are and I am so very sorry this is happening to you. You are probably very right in saying that your family and friends have no idea how it feels to be you, and you are right, I had and still have no idea what it must be like to live with anxiety, but they do love you and there is no harm in telling them what you might need from them to help you through a situation or problem. This might be really hard for you to open up to them and make yourself so vulnerable, I feel like though if you ask them they will respond with love.

    There are so many things I want to say and this post is short...I also wanted to acknowledge what you said about no one is trying like you do, so why bother in fear of looking like a tryhard...there best may only be a C, they may very well be struggling with their own mental health too...like I said, you are so not alone, so please don't stop trying and being you in fear of what others are doing.

    I would really like to chat some more MacJS

    Hugs

    AS

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    479 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to MacJS

    Hi, welcome

    Thanks for writing in, it isn't easy to confront these feelings.

    You might not think it but anxiety can be conquered but you'll need various approaches to do so not just one. That's if you have anxiety, a proper diagnosis is needed with all illnesses otherwise you are guessing and just like a car mechanical issue you can renew lots of parts but not the right one if diagnosis isn't determined.

    So your first point of call from here is your GP. Now, let's assume for the exercise that you have anxiety (but you could have other issues like mild OCD, social anxiety and depression for example, the other measures you can take include (click on the links but you only need to read the first post of each-

    Distancing yourself from toxic people

    - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival#qlnSq3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2#qr3mhnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Relaxation techniques

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it#qpS1gXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Being realistic

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/negatives-to-positives#qr-_b3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Writing down feelings and plans

    Discussion like here and with those you trust

    Motivation from lectures, books and internet searches

    Distractions

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety#qn71W3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Bit if reading there but education on these things is paramount. Finally, we cannot all "fit in" with other people. Those with social constraints are better off living on the rim of social circles and waiting for that connection with others for special trusting friendships. What occurred in class to embarrass you isn't unusual but us sensitive types take it to heart and the more you show your sensitivity the more they will ground you into the ground about it- sadly. If you take the mature approach and casually inform them they are childish and "I've forgotten about that, it doesn't worry me" then the tormenting will drift off.

    Sensitive people must stand up and grow that thicker skin although it is really hard to do. Even if you appear to have grown that but are hurt internally- it is better than poor reaction of which they seek.

    I hope I've helped.

    TonyWK

  4. romantic_thi3f
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    411 posts
    25 October 2019 in reply to MacJS

    Hi MacJS,

    Thank you for your post and for sharing what's been happening with you. I can see that you've already gotten some great support and welcomes here already.

    It's funny, because anxiety is such a universal thing - we all have some anxiety to an extent and millions of people have anxiety disorders, and yet at the same time it can feel so incredibly isolating. Nobody knows except you how awful it is, even if so many of us can share the same things.

    You mentioned a counsellor in your post - is this someone you have seen/are seeing? Even if he/she didn't understand, were they helpful at all?

    A big part of managing anxiety is looking at some of the things that you say to yourself, and honestly you are a bully! ;) But that's okay - sometimes it can be about being just a little bit kinder to yourself and that alone can help a lot with anxiety.

    RT

    1 person found this helpful
  5. MacJS
    MacJS avatar
    2 posts
    29 October 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    I do see a counsellor at school but when she asks what's wrong, I have a hard time saying what it is and sometimes I'll still leave out things that bother me because I want to get out of the room as quick as possible or I just don't want to talk about it. Which, I know isn't good.

    When talking to the counsellor, I sometimes will just make sure to look at her or say yes because I feel like I have to at least communicate so I feel like I'm not wasting her time. I have trouble making eye contact with people, especially adults. The counsellor is really nice but I feel very awkward around her, and want to leave the room as fast as possible (as I've mentioned) because I guess I just feel like, "Right, I've had a chat with her. Now I'm all good and shouldn't be experiencing these feelings no longer" but I know that's obviously not right.

    I do want to talk about my feelings and what's worrying me but I just don't like the idea that someone knows that I feel like this or think this way.

  6. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    411 posts
    31 October 2019 in reply to MacJS

    Hi MacJs,

    It sounds like you really have some great insight - knowing that you need to talk about it, and knowing that just because the feelings went away doesn't mean it's over, although there's a gap between what you know is right and what you're doing.

    What do you think is making you avoid it all the most? Is it that feeling of being vulnerable and having someone know? Or the idea that someone might find out? Or the feeling like you have to not waste her time?

    You said that you don't like the idea that someone knows you feel like this or think this way, but we are starting to, and we're people too. I guess the only difference is that instead you get to see faces instead of letters. But it's still people knowing intimate details about you..? I really think that if you are able to do it here you can do it there too.

    RT