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Topic: How to find friends

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    14 March 2019

    I've noticed a growing trend on this forum with new members having difficulty finding friends. Let's look at the history of how people found friends in the past, then we will look at today.

    In the 1800's before cars, telephone and planes there were trains but by and large travelling wasn't done in great distances. People relied only on the immediate town/s for friends and partners. This limited peoples ability to find friends or members of the opposite sex in large numbers, which meant people often married the best available which likely wasn't so compatible in the long run. It didn't matter though as marriage was forever...like it or not.

    How times have changed but up until the 1980's the most common way to meet was at dancing. That most common way to meet a future partner was really popular from ballroom to disco. Then dancing became old fashioned...the best way to meet up with someone vanished.

    Suddenly we relied on computer dating. In fact imo it is far more efficient than dancing. you can place your profile online, search for similar profiles and sometimes it works- like my daughter and her husband did and what a match it turned out to be.

    So I'd recommend that method, what about plain friendships?

    Friendships need key ingredients. The glue that binds the friendship is the common factor like a hobby, vintage cars, model airplanes, sewing groups, voluntary work and so on. In fact my ex BIL had no friends and so he took my advice and he joined StJohns first aid organization. For years he has walked the footy grounds among crowds to render first aid, most of his friends are his colleagues now. No different than joining the armed forces (but they have a contract) where you will make friends in fact, some of my friends were in the RAAF like me some 45 years ago.

    Not everyone wants to join the ADF even though there are many reasons why I'd recommend it like good pay, adventure, cheap meals and mates. But in general you need that "glue" to meet others or you are guessing on the compatibility.

    Do some deep thinking about this "glue". Seek out your interests and pursue that field to meet others. Don't expect to fit in immediately, take your time to suss out the people, to trust some but beware the unsavory and take your time entering into committee membership. Many of us that do have mental illness issues cannot cope with the squabbling and criticism.

    Good luck

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    I have found personally that online dating is very very hard for most people. I’ve been on those sites for a long time and I’ve struggled to make a dent. I don’t think it’s as simple as putting a profile and getting responses. I know this isn’t the forum for this topic but I certainly believe that online dating is quite a toxic and lonely environment for most people and those “success” stories are no different and no more successful than meeting someone at a disco.

    My problem with meeting with friends is that alcohol is a really big part of it. I don’t drink, I’m a straight edge, but I find that that offends a lot of people for some unknown reason. I also have interest that are not in the mainstream and have found difficulty finding stuff online.

    My struggle is that most social things revolve around alcohol and there aren’t many places for people who don’t drink. So what can I do to find people who won’t get offended by that?

  3. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Azzdog,

    You've been around for quite some time, thankyou for replying.

    Public places, swimming pools, supermarkets, cafe's. But the very best way is to walk a cute dog. People laugh at this but my wife and I have met so many people while walking our dog. They also tend to say something like "I live alone so my dog is my comfort" or to that effect.

    Clubs like motoring clubs don't often include alcohol as their events are often BBQ's at parks during the day.

    Sports- grass bowls, carpet bowls clubs. A friend of mine joined the bush hiking club based in Melbourne. On weekends a large group meet in the hills and walk, talk and laugh.

    Garden groups. Volunteer groups.

    What we should take on board is that people know people. Enter a group and those older people have children and so forth. The focus could be on just meeting people and creating a network. it can snowball from there.

    TonyWK

  4. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    Hey WK,

    Those are good choices. Some of this sports groups are good but are they for people my age? I know you said that people know others.

  5. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to Azzdog

    I dont know. My local footy club had senior members as helpers that got to know everyone.

    One lady about 50yo had a son playing footy, so she volunteered to operate the bbq on training nights. She met the father of one of the players and they ended up together.

    Whatever you do, joining groups even lions or rotary eill build a network

    TonyWK

  6. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to white knight
    I have some intensives for uni this week so I'll get more into it next week.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. snowyy
    snowyy avatar
    3 posts
    19 March 2019

    Hi,

    I feel I'm so related to this post at the moment! I'm a mature aged uni student and I'm so stressed to make friends at uni. Even though I have the chance to meet hundreds of new faces at campus every day but just watching them passing by. Especially in lectures, classmates sit away from each other. Half has already joined a small group, half still sits alone like no one wants to be the first one to start conversation. Even if I made the breakthrough to talk to someone, it feels like the next week he/she has totally forgotten about me.

    Its probably a part of the reason for my background that Im a migrant to Australia and I'm not an English native speaker. Less confidence and less self recognition have always been the issue. Plus, myself being a shy introverted person, sometimes afraid to make mistakes, makes it even worse!

    Feel disappointed to myself at the end of the uni days and the next day come to uni hoping something bright would happen. Its like always repeating but Im already used to it. LOL... Make friends seems easier said than done to me.

  8. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to snowyy

    Hi Snowyy

    I wouldnt say the uni environment is ideal at all for making friends. It is all too impersonal and far away from personal conversation.

    Different if you attended a group of 5 or 6 at a sub commityee that plans bushwalking weekenfs for students that results in you communicating after hours through text/phone etc.

    I think due to young adults not getting such good opportunities you end up feeling like you have hangups, its simply rarely the case.

    TonyWK

  9. snowyy
    snowyy avatar
    3 posts
    19 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for your reply. You are right. That's all about the high expectations to uni. I should be considering some outside activities. Also very interested in participating some volunteer work. Hopefully will gain some skills and experience.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. CBB
    CBB avatar
    2 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    I have to admit i strongly disagree with your assertion somehow life long relationships of the past are a benchmark.

    In the past life expectancy of males was 40-60 years we are now looking at 80-90 years women obviously higher with greater increase.

    That means 30 year marriages ofcoexistence is now stressed into volatile 60 year. I dreamed my parents would be together for-ever but my parents really went from happy to very sad and bored around 50 arguing constantly increase distant and depressed, it sounds terrible however sadly or positively my father died at age 55 from natural causes.

    in life these days both men and women need to let go of the feelings of inadequacy and shameattached to separation, family members to be more supportive to decision. Look at the benchmarks being majority of years instead of marriage to death do part

    Move this ol adiage indicator of success to a state we had a happy supportative collaborative prime life together.

    We are successful , we are best friends but we should take pride and take seperate adventures for our overtime in life.

    for all those feeling miserable in relationship please don't fear moving on. It is not some sort of failure, sure you had some great shared experiences but we all change as we grow everything that preceded that is still a success.

    As far as internet dating i personally feel it ruins more lives than benefits it brings. Why? Ever noticed how everything seems so perfect and blemish free in movies let'sface it no-one ever seems to have those terrible bowel movements. Internet profile are strongly choreographed in perfect blemish free lives making our nonchoreographed real lives feel inadequate leading this sadness in manyy of us even though or lives may be perfectly equal to any one else of stature

    1 person found this helpful
  11. CBB
    CBB avatar
    2 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to snowyy

    To snowyy

    I have to clear thisup. I'm Australian and not a immigrant, you an immigrant and i a local are sitting alonein that theatre because i the local are culturally afraid to approach others. We sit alone hoping dearly that someone will come to say hi the us. We are a bloody talkative and honest bunch, but we fear being considered as an inconvenience by bothering.

  12. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    307 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to CBB

    Hi CBB and Snowyy (and TonyWK for the great thread topic too!)

    Hey CBB.....Just asking if you can clarify your post above. Im not really sure what you want to clear up. Snowyy is the same as you and I and everyone else on the forums as we are all immigrants like yourself...I hope you can stick around on the forums when its convenient for you

    Hey Snowyy....Its great to have you on the forums and posting from the heart as well as you do and thankyou for your input on TonyWK's thread topic

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to CBB

    Hey CBB

    I’d thought I’d just comment on your opinion about online dating as I completely agree with it.

    I would argue that online dating has actually made things harder, not easier. I have had some really negative experiences with online dating and I find people’s attitudes towards it are defined by their relationship status. People who are in relationships tend to be quite dismissive towards people who are single because I’m not sure they remember what it’s like to be single.

    My perspective is that dating has never been harder in this day and age. If you go on social media the most likely thing you will see is a couple. 76% of songs are about love and romance. Name me one movie that doesn’t have a love story imbedded in it. Turn on morning radio and it’s ALL they talk about.

    There is way too much pressure to be in one and it’s why divorce rates are 50% right now. People are ending up in relationships that they don’t really want to be in and feel compelled to stay in despite being unhappy.

    The internet age has not made things better, it’s made things worse. The really good online dating sites force you to be a member which is the only way you can send messages to others. You have to hope the other person has done the same. So that can be really expensive for absolutely no gain. Tinder and other apps like it place a heavy emphasis on the way you look which is something I just thing is really damaging to young people.

    I would argue that the internet age has not improved things about dating. It’s made things harder.

  14. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to blondguy

    Thankyou Paul

    CCB I'm a little puzzled by your post also but maybe it wasn't written to confuse me. Don't mind you disagreeing at all.

    My intent is a/ to acknowledge the traditional methods of meeting people as per the past generations. Once that has been identified (Eg Dances) and that such dances are rare and they haven't been replaced by anything as popular, then we have an issue in society.

    Enter computers. Computer dating is successful, just not as successful enough to make a real impact. My daughter married her prince found on computer dating. I've heard of 4 other couples that met the same. It is more successful in rural areas.

    Why does it have some success? Well to meet a compatible future partner you have a huge head start when you respond to someones advertisement listing their lifestyle, children, employment, life goals etc.

    I'm on the wrong side of 60, and happily married. If you have any alternative ideas on how to meet others then post them here, we would like to know them. I need ideas.

    Snowyy Thanks for replying.

    Google

    Beyondblue topic humility, the good Samaritan

    TonyWK

  15. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    I'm not sure that I would agree that online dating is successful. Maybe from your perspective but not for the people I've met in the mental health groups.

    I take your point that it gives you a head start on what that person wants in their life, but only for the decent websites. Tinder and Bumble, from my experience, are not reflective of that at all. As I said in my above message, the good ones like eharmony and others like it you need to invest a lot of money to be able to respond and send messages. You also have to hope the other person has as well or they won't be able to respond either.

    I have looked through the attitudes towards online dating sites and I think you will find that the ratio of people dissatisfied with online dating is higher than the success rates. I put a lot of time and energy into these sites and I had a couple of dates end with the woman saying "we should totally do this again sometime". I messaged both of them a couple of days later asking how their week/weekend was going and they just deleted me.

    I am not saying this to attack you or anything but online dating is brutal for a lot of people and can be quite soul destroying if you invested a lot of time into it.

    I plan to talk about this kind of stuff when I get into mental health advocacy for young men because I think the whole dating culture has become quite toxic for a lot of people. I could go into more detail but I said all I wanted to in my last message.

    I know this doesn't solve the answer to where do you meet people but to just say online dating is successful is dismissing the perspectives of A LOT of other people.

  16. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    7 posts
    20 March 2019

    If anyone wants to know more about this you can jump on my forum post in the "longterm support over the journey". I struggled on online dating because I very few responses. It turns out, from the testimony of other women, that they tend to get a lot of messages from men where they feel very overwhelmed about it and just don't respond.

    The ratio of men to women on online dating sites is very skewed. There are a lot of men and not many women. This is why a lot of men never get responses. Again, I plan to talk about this when I get into mental health advocacy.

  17. snowyy
    snowyy avatar
    3 posts
    21 March 2019 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    My pleasure to have you guys as audiences. This forum has provided me a chance to share things that I wont tell anybody in real life.

    I totally understand the situation that CCB mentioned that most people prefer to stay in their own comfort zone. Especially those international students prefer to stick with their friends who speak the same language who are from the same country who have similar value etc. But I think the reasons to be at uni is to accept differences and get English improved. So i'd refuse to join a group when I overheard them talking in my mother tongue even if I had a chance to do so I still prefer being alone. I think in real life it's just a matter of courage to be the first one to tap on your should and say hi. And i need that COURAGE! hahaha... So next time if a possible talkative person sits next to me. I will try to say hi.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    464 posts
    22 March 2019 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Azzdog

    Very interesting, the cost of online dating.

    Thankyou for the valuable perspective, I've learned a lot.

    That will help others with choices.

    TonyWK