Hi I'm Maddie and I'm 22 from Melbourne.
I just logged on to this forum, and saw that my last post was from November 2016, it was a post about feeling very lost in my life and having no friends or hope for the future. Today is January 9th, 2020. That post was 4 years ago.
I originally came on here to share my story and reach out for help, yet seeing that old post has made me feel mixed emotions. Its been a shit 6 years honestly. But thats not to say that I haven't had ups and great things happen to me in that time. I'm a full time worker for the past year and 1/2 and I'm also engaged to an amazing guy. I never thought that would happen. I'm truly blessed.
Basically, I've been depressed for the past 6 years and longer. I left school after year 11 (2014) because I was in hospital for most of that year, with psychosis and depression. I had survived a suicide attempt and was hospitalized three times for weeks/months. I was 17.
Leaving school really screwed up my education. I currently work in admin, and while its not amazing, it keeps the bills paid and its not terrible I guess. I know I'm lucky to be employed and relatively stable financially. I just wish I had achieved more, and thats hard to sit with.
Today I'm 22. I have no motivation to better myself, I just feel so stuck and hopeless. I hate what my mental health has ruined for my life. So you could say I'm angry too.
I self - sabotage. What I mean is that I don't eat right, I don't exercise, I do the opposite of all good things for myself. I wish I knew how to stop and fix myself and my life. Its currently falling apart at my own doing.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. All they did was make me feel embarrassed (therapy) and awful physical side effects (medication.)
I've tried, I've given life my all. I've been knocked back and down so many times I can't count, and every time I've gotten back up and kept trying. There's only so much you can take. I don't know what to do anymore.
It's been a long six years. I don't believe I'm fixable.