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Topic: Getting older and missing out on life?

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Justaperson
    Justaperson avatar
    1 posts
    25 February 2020

    Hey guys I just turned 23 on Saturday the 22nd. Since I was 13 I have had severe problems with depersonalisation, anxiety and depression. It was a terrible time for my problems to start as I was on the brink of many new experiences in life, which I feel I wasn't even there to experience due to being locked behind severe brain fog, confusion and emotional pain. Partly it was due to the trauma of being taken out of school and moved around the country basically homeless for 6 months. My mental illness symptoms were triggered after this period early in my life.

    I've always been sensitive, overly imaginative and a deep thinker. I have seen many therapists over the years, but my problem I think is never sticking with one long enough. I also just didn't verbalize it and pretended it was OK for so long because I kind of thought saying it would make it real and if I pretended to be healthy I'd eventually be healthy. Holding these symptoms behind a mask though is beyond horrible and I felt like I was dying inside. Would be interested to know who can relate to this feeling.

    I have listened to a lot of motivational talks on Youtube and such trying to drill into myself, this will just pass if I keep trying. That's not how you treat mental and emotional problems though, that makes it worse. I haven't gotten an official diagnosis, I'm hoping its an anxiety disorder... but it could be worse.

    Basically I think I've tried my best to experience life despite what I'm going through but I feel now that I still haven't tried hard enough and I regret the past. Since leaving school in '14, I've made basically two friends and just buried myself in worked. I'm fit, I've been told I'm attractive a number of times but I've only ever had one girlfriend. I'm still a virgin. This makes me so ashamed and depressed. And the longer I stay a virgin, the harder it'll be to have sex. It feels like people assume I'm not, because I hold up this false confidence, and when they find out they come to the conclusion that I have issues. Which is completely the truth. Something is very wrong with me. I can only get some emotional peace when I'm alone or with my immediate family. I want to have new experiences and make new friends but I feel completely trapped in my head and the darkness of my own thoughts and feelings.

    Just taking the step of making a connection with other people will give me the motivation and be the first step to properly recovering. But I can't make it and time keeps moving..

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    314 posts
    26 February 2020 in reply to Justaperson

    Hi Justaperson

    Welcome to the forums and having the courage to post too..I am sorry for the delay in you receiving a reply as we do our best to answer all new posts as quickly as we can!

    If I can start slowly and address your first point about moving and then having to change schools so often...I do understand you anguish as due to my dad's work I have been to seven schools...Here...Canada and Tasmania and it doesnt help with our self esteem or retaining our friendships

    Re counsellors.....you mentioned ' never sticking with one long enough'...this is very common and I used to have the same issue as well. It took me 13 years to 'unload' my inner self to a counsellor (after trying many)

    Just from my own experience I wasnt providing my therapists with the all of the pain I had been through...until I saw a community based psychiatric nurse and he had me crying (letting go of the pain) like a baby...Yes it felt awkward and embarrassing to my silly ego at the time.....The next day I was energised and was a free spirit with 80% of the anxiety and depression gone...(There were weekly visits for 7 months)

    Once we engage in frequent (and are honest) with our therapist we can have everything to gain and nothing to lose :-) Please dont beat yourself up about being a virgin....Once we learn how to cope with our anxious feelings first, you will find more comfort and ease where relationships are concerned

    you are an amazing person and your post is a huge step towards recovery

    you are not on your own

    my kind thoughts

    Paul