After separating several weeks ago, my wife rang to ask that we get back together and try to make it work. After 4 weeks we did move back in together. She said that she had anxiety and depression issues she wanted to deal with first, ie “me first” she said. The trouble is I don’t know where that leaves us or me. I suggested relationships counseling but she wants to deal with herself first. The end result is that I’m feeling anxious and unresolved. I don’t know what she wants or how she really feels. When I try to raise “us” as a subject she defaults to raising the issues that caused us to split up, which I feel is going over old ground. She is also notably unaffectionate. I want to know where we stand. How long can I keep ‘spinning my wheels ‘ awaiting some outcome.

Hello Jackson, I'm sorry that depression has now affected your wife and at the moment talking to each other about 'old stories' is not going to help her nor you unless you want to really listen to one another and this takes a great effort to be silent while the other person speaks.

Firstly you both need to have counselling separately would be best as this is what she wants, and it will be a waste time arguing or debating with her because you won't be achieving anything, so respect her decision, when she is stronger then the discussion can be raised, that's if you want to.

It's a situation where I can't tell you what to do, however, what I can say is that you both need to see your GP, separately, because if you both go together then there maybe a conflict, so you need to express your thoughts by yourself.

It's going to be tough in a marriage with no affection, but it's important that you both have respect and have compassion for each other in this difficult time.

You aren't alone in how you feel as it's happened to many of us, including myself.

I would like to say more but I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.