I'm unsre whether posting will help, if you've the time to read/listen that would mean so much! Sorry for the overkill of information.
I am 22 and an artist who has lost all meanful employment due to covid (for context). I've always been a fairly anxious and erratic personality, never really had any close freinds growing up and tended to use escapism to cope with the lonliness as a kid. Was taught from my father that mental instability was weakness and vulnerability was to be shunned. He would often yell and berate me for crying.
2018 I found my best friend, whom I owe so much too. We moved in together about a year ago, and it was great, but recently we've been having so many issues I'm scared im going to lose him. He's started raising his voice, and cutting me out. Calling me out for being mentally unwell but not wanting to help because he has his own problems to deal with. And all I want is to care for him and give him what he needs, which right now is space, the opposite of what I need. He's only just told me he's seeing a psycologist but doesnt trust me with sensitive informtion anymore as 'its none of my business' when I used to be the one he would turn to for everything. On top of this, another close friend has called me a burden for 'weighing them down' with my requests for help and companionship.
I have been having more panic attacks, more periods of hyper energised mania type episodes, crying more than I ever have and am struggling to sleep or feel rested when I do. This has been going on for roughly a year now but greatly intensified over covid as everyone lost their incomes and their futures. I am stuck working in hospitality as my artistic career simply doesnt exist anymore. I have no future that I am passionate about. How can I fix my apathy towards life right now? How can I fix my relationships with the people who mean the absolute world to me? How can I stop the fear the induces the panic attacks of having everyone walk out on me? How do I stop being so 'needy'?
I'm scared to admit I might need help to cope with it all, but have never learnt how to ask for it. I dont know if anything/anyone can actually help.
Apologies once again, thank you for reading xx