Hello, I'm new.
I'm a year 11 girl and I feel like I don't belong in my high school. If I just disappeared, no one would care. I thought by studying hard in school, I could ignore it. Unfortunately, it has been affecting me recently and I'm starting to lose my motivation to study because of my lack of friends.
I didn't always feel like this. Since year 7, I have been seen as the awkward and quiet girl so I never got far in forming friendships. Heck, people always questioned me about it and made me feel like being quiet is the worst trait. Fortunately, a group of friends accepted me for who I am
Then, friendship problems happened. My group hated me and started talking behind my back in a very bad way. I was kept around just so they can leech off schoolwork and borrow money. This shattered me. I thought this was the one friendship group who could accept me no matter what, but learning they hated me all along? My self-esteem was lowered even further to nothing. If my "close" friends didn't accept me, then who would?
I left. I have no stable friendship group now. I actually tried hanging in other groups but I only felt out of place. I have found one true friend, but I don't want to burden him. He is popular and has other friends and by hanging out with him all the time, I am scared I will make him lose his friends. I already messed up before and I don't want to again. Every day when he hangs with his friends, I am reminded of how I don't have many friends at all. Sure, I have a few acquaintances but I don't know them personally.
I just can't fit into any kind of cliques no matter what.
Everyone finds me awkward, so I don't have a chance to befriend people easily. It seems no one likes talking to awkward, quiet people. It's difficult to talk to other girls because my interests differ from their ones greatly (I like video games and cartoons rather than k-pop.) Sadly, I lost interest in my own hobbies since I started feeling down. I befriend boys effortlessly yet I'm afraid of being labelled for only having male friends (it was one of the things the old friendship group gossiped about).
I am more comfortable talking to people online or even outside of my school; at least no one can judge me based on how they see me before we even talked.
I heard university is better, and I'm looking forward to escaping and start afresh. But for now, I can't cope with this feeling any longer and I don't want it to damage me further.
Thank you for hearing me out.