Welcome to the forums!
I must say, it's not so unusual for us to reference death occasionally. To what degree we do this is another matter. When such thoughts are impacting our quality of life and anxiety levels, it can't hurt for us to get help with this issue.
The brain is a highly effective computer, processing thousands of bits of information each and every day. Seeing part of its processing is tied into reference, it makes sense that you would be referencing your mortality in a number of ways. A few things it might be processing based on your past experience:
- Things can go wrong with my body/I am vulnerable
- Hospitals are full of examples of things going wrong with the body
- Hospitals are were people 'get fixed up' or die, when things go wrong
I imagine you've been processing some other bits of information as well, maybe without fully realising (dependent on your life experience).
I was actually in hospital about 6 weeks ago, for about 4 or 5 days and I must say if it wasn't for some pretty peppy nurses and specialists, I would have found it to be a fairly depressing experience. Having been in hospital a handful of times, for a variety of reasons, the story pretty much plays out the same way:
- You find out what's 'wrong' with you
- If you're in a room with other people, you can overhear some pretty heart wrenching stuff like how someone had a miscarriage, someone lost a leg, someone's body is failing etc etc. Patients can walk around expressing dis-ease in a number of ways (body, mind and spirit)
- You get fixed up and eventually walk out. By the way, if the fix is not entirely complete, you can be left to reference the thought 'What if this happens again?!'
Sorry about this, I know it sounds pretty negative but I just wanted to give you an idea of what our brain can be computing in regard to a simple hospital stay.
Seeing it actually takes millions of little aspects of our self to be in balance for things to be going right, when something is out of balance our focus can shift, narrowing in on whatever reflects our vulnerability. It's another shift in focus which changes our perspective again. By the way, when we have a thought, our brain will typically seek proof that the thought is real/believable. Giving your brain proof that you are living and not dying is the ultimate goal. Funny thing about the brain is it will believe whatever we tell it once we become its master.
Take care pazza2000