My mum saw me crying in the living room, and despite the fact that she got yelled at too, she came over to comfort me, handing me a tissue and telling me that everything will be okay and that I should just ignore him and focus on myself. I love my mum so much, I hate that she has to put up with this. She deserves the world and more, and it’s all my fault that she has to put up with all this abuse. I absolutely despise myself. I know you said earlier that none of this is my fault, but no matter what I tell myself, I can’t convince myself that it’s not me. I pretty much ruined my mum’s life and yet she still loves me more than anyone in the world… What did I do to deserve such an angel?
Worse off, this constant abuse and negative feelings circling around my head everyday is changing me as a person. I resent my friends for every single complaint they make about any little thing - I can’t help but think, “What gives them the right to complain? Their lives are much better than mine!”, and just constantly feel extremely irritable towards everyone. I’m constantly taking out my anger towards my dad to people around me, and I hate that about me. I feel like as a result of my father constantly taking power and authority over me, I’m taking it out on everyone else whenever I can. I hate this about myself, I truly wish I could stop feeling this way.
Also, this isn’t as relevant, but lately I’m also constantly having horrible nightmares - my friends being much more successful than I, my mother passing away… I think it truly reflects what I dread the most. This isn’t healthy, nothing about how I’m living my life right now is healthy.
Something I truly need advice on, however: My father after yelling at me today, told me I have one of two choices: either I stop going tutoring and he won’t care what ATAR I get (if I stop going tutoring, I know I will do dismally in the HSC) OR I can continue tutoring, but if I don’t get at least a 96, I’d better ‘watch out’. I must tell him my response tomorrow. I’m so afraid, I don't know how to respond to this and I’d like advice on this please.
I know constantly posting here isn’t taking any real action, but simply letting my thoughts run loose here and hearing someone understand me and comfort me online really helps lift a huge weight off my chest. Summer Rose, I truly don’t know where I’d be without you - thank you so much.