Hi Summer Rose,


Thank you for your super kind reply.


Honestly, it would probably be best to take some proper action on what I’m going through, but I don’t want to cause any more trouble in the household. I’m afraid that by taking action, my dad will become infuriated and do worse things.


Truthfully, I’m terrified. Everyday I dread coming home, knowing what kind of life awaits me at home. I feel like so weak for not being able to cope with my dad’s abuse…


Dad keeps yelling at mum, saying she doesn’t raise me properly, never watches over me, and as a result I have become a failure. Frankly, I am disgusted by his words and actions towards her. She works full-time and yet does all the chores at home; my dad never lifts a single finger. She pays the bills, he (extremely reluctantly) pays my tuition, constantly telling me that I’m a waste of money, and that he thinks I have no hope and should just quit my tutors. He earns more than she does.


My mum’s not doing well… she has a strained shoulder, and it’s only been getting worse, because she has to keep doing all those chores, only for my dad to yell at her for any little mistake she makes. Like, if she accidentally hung his shirt in a different place than usual, or if she forgot to make one of the beds.


Earlier, he’d been yelling at me once more - it was particularly bad. I’m constantly crying at night in secret due to all the stress building up about exams, and he makes it worse by telling me I’m hopeless. I then left the room, and he continued by yelling at her - and she stood up for me. He kept yelling at her, I was so scared that he’d physically hurt her, but then he left to watch his soccer.

Hi C74

I'm so glad that it's helping you to pour out your thoughts. There is much I want to say but I'm going to now focus on your response to your dad.

I would suggest something along the lines of ...

I appreciate your support to provide me with tutoring. I believe it is really helping and I am trying my best.

However, I cannot guarantee a 96 atar. The calculations are complicated and out of my control. I can only set goals and i

Sorry, I hit post by accident ...

I can only set goals and the goals need to be realistic and reasonable. I know what you expect and I am trying. But I believe it's reasonable for me to achieve an atar somewhere between X and X. ( you have to decide the range) And this outcome is contingent upon continued tutoring.

So the choice is yours, Dad. You can help me to achieve my best or you can take whatever action you think is necessary. Whatever you decide, I will continue to work hard and try my best.

Does this make sense to you, C74? How do you think Dad would respond? At least this approach would remove the threat of what he's going to do if you don't get a 96. If he withdraws financial support for tutoring don't panic.

Your teachers will help you. Perhaps an extended family member could help you with a loan? Your friends could also help. It will be okay.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

Firstly, I have been through the VCE process twice in recent times. Talked to school counsellors with my kids and then with career advisors (my daughter is 21 and son is 23). As my son needed help changing his uni path.

I believe your father is wrong. It is possible to transfer into medicine. One of my son's friends transferred from physio and I know another who has shifted from science. I don't know all the details of how they did this but I know it can be done.

No matter what atar you achieve (as long as it's in the ballpark) I believe you can find a way to get to where you want to be.

With regard to your father, let's look at the evidence. He wants you to become a doctor. He has threatened in the past to withdraw funds for tutoring but he hasn't followed through.

It's possible that he thinks his new threat will motivate you to achieve a 96 because he either doesn't understand or doesn't care about the impact of this threat on you.

But withdrawing tutoring now makes no sense if he truly wants you to become a doctor. And I think his ego needs you to reach medical school. What I'm saying is that it's possible he's bluffing to scare you.

Hi again

I also want to address the issue of a "good" atar. There really is no magic number because it depends on your ability, environment and circumstances.

My son achieved a 99.25 my daughter just under 80. My son was bright and healthy. My daughter was bright and unwell, battling a serious mental health condition.

For my daughter to graduate was a success. For her to do so in the top 25 per cent of the state was a major success. With a Seas application to reflect her circumstances, and her hard work against the odds, she got into her chosen course at her chosen univetsity. She is studying architecture.

I am incredibly proud of them both.

A 93 for you would be amazing but so would a 70 given your circumstances and mental health issues. You are doing an amazing job, please don't ever forget that.

Given your circumstances you are entitled to make a SEAS application. Talk to your school counsellor. This can make a big difference to you.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

You have been on my mind all day and I'm hoping you have calmed down a bit before talking with your dad.

I know you are scared of him and I am so sorry for that. But you are not weak. You are incredibly strong. Everday you try your best in very challenging circumstances. One day at a time you are surviving. That takes courage, my friend.

I am glad that mum has been able to provide some comfort. Your mum must be sad and worried too, but that is not your fault. None of this is your fault. Sadly, your dad is not behaving in a rational or acceptable fashion.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a great person. I am proud of you and backing you 100 per cent.

I'm wondering how your visit with the school counsellor went? This would be an ideal time to pop back for a chat.

The counsellor can give you advice on getting into medicine through different pathways, if necessary. The counsellor could also help to work out home strategies to keep you safe.

I'm worried about you. In an emergency call 000. If you need to talk to someone call the bb support line, any time day or night.

When you have time, if you want (no pressure), let me know how it went with dad.

Kind thoughts to you

I regret so much ever telling my parents I want to get into medicine! Now they're fully set on me getting into medicine or nothing... I'm so exhausted, my first post on this website doesn't even compare to how I feel now.

This is such a stressful time for me, it's like no one in my life understands... My whole family was so proud of my cousin for simply getting into uni. But since my father simply cannot keep his mouth shut about any good achievement I've ever gotten (he likes to boast because it boosts his own ego, not because he wants to do it on my behalf), and now my whole family is waiting for "good news" with their expectations of me significantly higher. If I don't get into medicine, it's completely over for me.

Of course, I agree with you when you say that a "good" ATAR is subjective to one's circumstances and I think both your son and daughter did amazingly. But my father doesn't get that, he has a set number for what is a 'good ATAR' and since I had always grown up in an environment with people who have no problem getting into medicine (I go to one of the top schools in my state, and it's crazy there), I can't help but think it'll all be over if I don't into medicine right away... It'll be humiliating, and I'm scared my friends would scoff at me (I go to a school where people look down on people who don't do well in school)

My mental state has been quickly deteriorating over the past six months, and now that my first HSC Trial Exam is tomorrow, I'm seriously thinking of giving up. My dad puts so much emphasis on me doing well otherwise it'll "be embarrassing for him" to the point where everytime he tells me to study, I simply don't want to, so that he doesn't get the idea that I'm doing it for him, or that it can demonstrate that his methods of yelling at me and beating me aren't going to make me work, but ugh... There's absolutely no way to convey to him that what he is doing is wrong.

Hi C74

I'm so disappointed to learn about how your dad is behaving. He really is unhelpful to you and your studies and I'm sorry that you are being poorly treated. You deserve so much more.

Unfortunately, you can't change him and you can't stop him talking about you. All you can change is how you react and your self-talk.

Try to block him out with an invisible wall. You've got to ignore the "noise" and try to stay focused.

Stay calm, no matter what. Give yourself some love. Tell yourself what you know in your heart to be true: whatever the number you will be okay.

You will find a way to get where you want to go. Could be direct, could be roundabout. It just doesn't matter. This is called resilience. It's not failure.

I know from my children's experience that the pressure is currently building. You are close to the finish line, just try to hang in.

Try to ensure you are getting adequate rest. Exercise regularly. Take lots of breaks. Drink lots of water. Remember to breathe.

How did the trial exam go?

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74,

I'd just like to ask how you're going right now. I am a year 11 at a selective school (top in state aswell), who is also currently struggling to get by. Trials have just ended and I would like to know how you're feeling after this extremely stressful period.

I cant imagine what you're going through and I am so sorry for your situation right now, you really don't deserve any of this abuse at all, especially through such a stressful time. I dont want to assume anything, but I think you're a fellow Asian, and the culture is frustrating as all they seem to care about is marks.

Have you ever tried talking to your year adviser or a teacher that you trust? It may help alot as they may be able to find the help that you need. And also, you could try arrange study groups with your friends or your classes. It may help you and it also helps others as it clarifies what they know when they teach someone else. At this rate, I dont think you should think about how anyone else sees you, just focus on yourself.

About you not having an adequate space to study, does your school have a library that is open after school? I think its a good place to study at with no distractions.

Take this time to relax a little bit before the external HSC exams, and try to improve your health. I'm rooting for you!!

- CH

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your valuable advice! And so far, trials are going as expected - I'm not sure if that's good or bad, considering my expectations were pretty low to begin with. I'm extremely nervous for my results, but there's nothing I can do for now except to study for the remaining two trial exams I have left.

I do have something I want to ask, however:

I have great difficulty in concentrating on tasks, and I always have. Whether it’s sitting down to study, or making sure I’m focussed in an exam, it’s always been an issue. Lately, its been getting more and more prominent now that I’m getting 3 hour exams which require focussing for long periods of time. I would start reading a question, and then I hear some small noise, whether it’s a bird chirping outside, or someone dropping their pen, and suddenly it’s like everything has gone out of my head. It makes me so mad at myself, because I can’t force myself to concentrate no matter what I do, and it really affects me in my exams. Would you happen to know any suggestions as to what I can do to prevent this from happening?

I’ve spoken to people about this, teachers, tutors, a careers advisor… many of them suspect things such as ADHD, and said maybe I should get “checked up on it” but I have no idea how to do so, and likely won’t be able to get it “checked out” since I don’t have much time nor do I know who to see about this. In the case that I do have it, my school takes special measures (i.e. they put you in a special room by yourself, with no distractions, instead of an echoey hall with more than 100 students) which would really help me in my HSC. If I don’t, then I can rest assured that I haven’t been put at a disadvantage this whole time.

But I’m not sure, do you think this is worth acting upon, and would you know how to deal with it? :(

Thank you,
C74

Hi C74

I was so pleased to read your most recent post, as you sounded quite positive. Glad you are getting through the trials. You can do this. You are doing it.

With regard to special consideration for exams, there is an application process to follow through the HSC governing body. Provisions like a separate room, extra time, even a scribe, are available to students with a disability.

The disability needs to be professionally diagnosed and then you apply online but you must provide proof. The type of focus and distraction issues you have described could very well be ADHD or could also be anxiety or something else. I really can't say, as I am not a doctor.

A psychologist would likely be the type of practitioner required to make a diagnosis. However, having said all that, I suspect the deadline for lodging an application would have passed, although you can check this at the HSC website or at school.

Your best bet may be to prepare to avoid the noise distraction. I suggest wearing ear plugs (you can buy them at the chemist) or putting cotton wool in your ears. This will block out a lot of noise.

A good night's sleep, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks and lots of water will also help you stay focused. And, in those moments where everything flies out of your head, close your eyes and take some really slow, deep breaths, as this will help you come back into the moment.

Pop in and see your school counsellor as he/she may have some ideas too.

Really proud of you. You are doing an amazing job.

Kind thoughts to you

(sorry, the whole thing didn't post earlier for some reason)

Anyways, I looked over at my mum, and to my alarm, she was tearing up. I quickly backtracked and told her that if she wanted, I could move somewhere really close to where she is, so that I could visit her every week. She then said in a shaky voice that she knows I’m capable of looking after myself, but that I’ll find out it’s more difficult than I think. I agree, but it’s part of the reason why I want to move out - just so I can really get a feel for how difficult it is, and that way I won’t be too shocked when I actually move out for good.


I was just wondering why my mum reacted that way, and what I might’ve done to upset her? I get the feeling it might be a mother thing, me growing up, moving further apart from her… But I’m not too sure. Any possibilities as to why she got upset would help, because I feel bad :(


Thank you,
C74

Hi C74

Nice to hear from you again.

Rest assured, you have done nothing wrong by expressing a desire to move out. My son was exactly like you and I was like your mum. Teary.

You see, as our children grow up they go through many milestones- moving from a crib to a bed, going to school, going away to camp, taking public transport for the first time, etc-and with each accomplishment they move closer to independence and away from needing their mum. To be honest, they are bitter/sweet moments.

When my son moved out (second year uni) I was happy for him, proud and also a little sad. I got over it and grew to love his visits.

He's moved back home now (too expensive as he's saving up for a year of travel) and he's a different young man. It was good for him and a natural part of growing up and when you're ready it will be good for you too.

Give mum some time to adjust to the idea. If I were you, I would concentrate on your studies and focus on this issue after exams. You've got enough on your plate already.

How are things with your father? What did he think about you moving out?

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

It's nice to know that you're doing quite well right now! Hope you're taking the time to relax a little and catch up on some sleep!

Oh boi. My prelims start on monday and I am quite stressed and unprepared. I'm actually scared that I'm not gonna pass one of my exams ( under 50%) bc I've kinda been slacking and not really paying attention in class oops. I know its "just year 11", but I'm so scared of disappointing and what if I'm not allowed to continue the subject into next year. idkkkk im just quite stressed.

I already got an N warning for a subject which I'm dropping next year, so I've already disappointed. I'm scared that if i fail my exam for a subject im NOT dropping i might not be legible to do the hsc. I just hadhjaskdhljadHKJhkld

But yeah. Just wanted to ask if you have any tips for learning the whole syllabus in 2 days thanks. (this is so unreasonable what am i doing with life)

Also about moving away for Uni, my sibling does Medicine at Uni so he lives near his campus, but he does come back every fortnight or so. My mum also did cry when he left for the first time, just bc she realised he was growing up so quick. I think its just a natural response, just as SummerRose said, so theres no need to worry.

Hope to hear from you :D

Hi C74

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you as you head into the home stretch. Hope you are well and coping as best you can.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74,

I just read through those whole 2 pages and wow. I am beyond amazed at your dedication to your workload and the situation between your parents sounds really rough. As someone whose parents don't put pressure on me, I can assure you that I still have so much anxiety and panic attacks around my projected atar (needed for law). The way you have approached Y12 is really motivating and I wish you all the best for the next 3 weeks of exams. You mentioned you do a lot of extra tutoring work, do you find tutoring helpful for Y12?

In regards to medicine, have you considered ANU? The projected atar is lower than UNSW/USYD and there is the opportunity to stay at a dorm, rather than your parents.

I hope your HSC exams go well and you achieve your goals,

Blue.

Hi C74

Congratulations! So happy that you have received your first offer.

It was a tough year but you have done it. Very proud of you!!!

Kind thoughts to you

Hi Summer Rose,

Well high school's officially over - I didn't make it into medicine but I'm planning on transferring, and for now I'm doing a pretty decent course so I'll probably get by. My parents were disappointed and annoyed, but that isn't my biggest problem right now (they're slowly mentioning it less).

Anyways, I've decided to make the most of my uni days so I decided to start by trying to make some friends online first. It was fun at first, talking to a bunch of new people online with my friend and I'd say I got along with many of them really well. I'm usually a shy person, so I was really pleasantly surprised to see how well I could truly get along with everyone if I got out of my shell. It was going really great and everything, and I was really looking forward to maybe meeting these people irl but then my friend brought up a topic, a fun topic that everyone was interested in except me (for fear of being recognised on this forum, I won't say what the topic was, but henceforth I'll refer to it as 'Topic A').

I've had barely any experience with Topic A, and my friend knows how uncomfortable it makes me when everyone starts ranting about it, however it's something my friend likes, and a favourite hobby of seemingly literally everyone I had spoken to online. Suddenly, everyone started ranting about that topic which left me feeling extremely awkward and I didn't know what to say, so I just stayed silent for a while, feeling like I'd just kind of been shoved aside (of course, I don't believe anyone intentionally wanted to do that). Of course, everyone was having fun talking about Topic A + I have no right to selfishly request to change the conversation topic just to suit my own interests, so instead I just kind of sat back and watched everyone else talk, including my friend, who seemed as if she'd completely thrown me aside. Of course it's great that everyone found some sort of common ground, but it just left me a bit scared that this is going to happen when I actually go to uni in person - that everyone will find common ground in that particular topic, and I'll be shunned aside.

And what hurt more than anything is that this whole situation was just too familiar to me.

Throughout primary school, I felt left out quite a lot. I had a best friend, but one day, she found someone who had the same book series interest as her, and suddenly that someone joined me and my best friend during lunchtimes, and the book series was all they wanted to talk about.

I had nothing more to do than to just sit there and listen, despite the fact that I had no clue what they were even on about. I tried to force myself to read the series just so I could join their conversation, but I simply wasn’t interested at all. It was a really tough time for me, and I remember crying myself to sleep, wishing more than anything that I knew everything about every topic in the world, just so I could get along with everyone.

In high school, I had a rough time in my first year. I sat alone during all my classes, and sat with a different group of friends almost every week, occasionally alone, because everyone was making friendship groups with people in their classes, and I couldn’t merge with any groups.

In year eight, I finally found someone I got along really well with, and for once, I had someone to sit with in class. I finally felt understood, finally felt included. Problem? That person already had a best friend, who was intent on getting rid of me, because she didn’t want a third member to her friendship circle.

Later in year 9, I made a friend in one of my classes, but noticed someone else who was sitting alone. As someone who spent much of her first year of high school alone, I realised how they must feel, so I invited that person to sit with me and that friend. However that friend and that person started talking about Topic A and I was the third wheel once again.

This same scenario occurred over and over during high school, but with various different people. I eventually got sick of it, and tried to force myself to get interested in Topic A. Perhaps that would provide me more common ground with other people, therefore making it easier to make friends. I did end up finding some aspects of Topic A intriguing, and thought that finally, I could talk to people about Topic A and find common ground.

Hi C74

Congratulations on finishing high school and gaining access to a good course. I'm very proud of you.

I'm sorry that medicine didn't work out at this stage but the opportunity to transfer in is there and that's a good thing. Who knows, you may even change your mind yet about what you want to do in life. Keep an open mind and enjoy this opportunity that you have earned.

If I'm understanding correctly your current issue is about making friends within the online group and the impact of Topic A. Your fear is "that everyone will find common ground in that particular topic, and I'll be shunned aside."

I don't have any idea what topic A is but I do know it's not for you and that's okay.

You have options. You can continue talking with this new group and accept that Topic A will come up. Just be polite and ride it out. You can also introduce new topics and see if there is a new area of common ground to be found. You can also look for opportunities to change the subject. You can also discontinue the contact. I guess it depends on how important avoiding topic A is to you.

Remember that you don't really know these people and there may be others, like you, who aren't so enthused about Topic A, they too may be just trying to fit in. You kind of have to stick with and meet to find out.

Once you get to university there will be many clubs to join where you can meet like-minded people and make friends. For example, I am certain there will be a chess club. This group aren't the be all and end all.

I have different groups of friends and I enjoy different activities with them in-line with our common interest. I have friends from the gym and we talk fitness. A group of other mums that met when our children were in primary school 20 years ago and we talk life and family. Many groups of old and current work colleages and we talk about our professional interests. Neighbours and we talk about our local community.

All of these groups have a "topic A" of one type or another. Nothing is ever perfect. But in each of these groups there is more to connect us than there is to divide us.

Right now what connects your group is the excitement of starting something new together. Everyone is seeking someone, so they feel less alone on the first day. But it might all change as each of you begin uni and begin to branch out and make other connections.

University is not like high school. You can leave the cliques behind and just be you. This is a fresh start.

Kind thoughts to you