Hi Summer Rose,


Thank you for your super kind reply.


Honestly, it would probably be best to take some proper action on what I’m going through, but I don’t want to cause any more trouble in the household. I’m afraid that by taking action, my dad will become infuriated and do worse things.


Truthfully, I’m terrified. Everyday I dread coming home, knowing what kind of life awaits me at home. I feel like so weak for not being able to cope with my dad’s abuse…


Dad keeps yelling at mum, saying she doesn’t raise me properly, never watches over me, and as a result I have become a failure. Frankly, I am disgusted by his words and actions towards her. She works full-time and yet does all the chores at home; my dad never lifts a single finger. She pays the bills, he (extremely reluctantly) pays my tuition, constantly telling me that I’m a waste of money, and that he thinks I have no hope and should just quit my tutors. He earns more than she does.


My mum’s not doing well… she has a strained shoulder, and it’s only been getting worse, because she has to keep doing all those chores, only for my dad to yell at her for any little mistake she makes. Like, if she accidentally hung his shirt in a different place than usual, or if she forgot to make one of the beds.


Earlier, he’d been yelling at me once more - it was particularly bad. I’m constantly crying at night in secret due to all the stress building up about exams, and he makes it worse by telling me I’m hopeless. I then left the room, and he continued by yelling at her - and she stood up for me. He kept yelling at her, I was so scared that he’d physically hurt her, but then he left to watch his soccer.

Hi C74

I'm so glad that it's helping you to pour out your thoughts. There is much I want to say but I'm going to now focus on your response to your dad.

I would suggest something along the lines of ...

I appreciate your support to provide me with tutoring. I believe it is really helping and I am trying my best.

However, I cannot guarantee a 96 atar. The calculations are complicated and out of my control. I can only set goals and i

Sorry, I hit post by accident ...

I can only set goals and the goals need to be realistic and reasonable. I know what you expect and I am trying. But I believe it's reasonable for me to achieve an atar somewhere between X and X. ( you have to decide the range) And this outcome is contingent upon continued tutoring.

So the choice is yours, Dad. You can help me to achieve my best or you can take whatever action you think is necessary. Whatever you decide, I will continue to work hard and try my best.

Does this make sense to you, C74? How do you think Dad would respond? At least this approach would remove the threat of what he's going to do if you don't get a 96. If he withdraws financial support for tutoring don't panic.

Your teachers will help you. Perhaps an extended family member could help you with a loan? Your friends could also help. It will be okay.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

Firstly, I have been through the VCE process twice in recent times. Talked to school counsellors with my kids and then with career advisors (my daughter is 21 and son is 23). As my son needed help changing his uni path.

I believe your father is wrong. It is possible to transfer into medicine. One of my son's friends transferred from physio and I know another who has shifted from science. I don't know all the details of how they did this but I know it can be done.

No matter what atar you achieve (as long as it's in the ballpark) I believe you can find a way to get to where you want to be.

With regard to your father, let's look at the evidence. He wants you to become a doctor. He has threatened in the past to withdraw funds for tutoring but he hasn't followed through.

It's possible that he thinks his new threat will motivate you to achieve a 96 because he either doesn't understand or doesn't care about the impact of this threat on you.

But withdrawing tutoring now makes no sense if he truly wants you to become a doctor. And I think his ego needs you to reach medical school. What I'm saying is that it's possible he's bluffing to scare you.

Hi again

I also want to address the issue of a "good" atar. There really is no magic number because it depends on your ability, environment and circumstances.

My son achieved a 99.25 my daughter just under 80. My son was bright and healthy. My daughter was bright and unwell, battling a serious mental health condition.

For my daughter to graduate was a success. For her to do so in the top 25 per cent of the state was a major success. With a Seas application to reflect her circumstances, and her hard work against the odds, she got into her chosen course at her chosen univetsity. She is studying architecture.

I am incredibly proud of them both.

A 93 for you would be amazing but so would a 70 given your circumstances and mental health issues. You are doing an amazing job, please don't ever forget that.

Given your circumstances you are entitled to make a SEAS application. Talk to your school counsellor. This can make a big difference to you.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

You have been on my mind all day and I'm hoping you have calmed down a bit before talking with your dad.

I know you are scared of him and I am so sorry for that. But you are not weak. You are incredibly strong. Everday you try your best in very challenging circumstances. One day at a time you are surviving. That takes courage, my friend.

I am glad that mum has been able to provide some comfort. Your mum must be sad and worried too, but that is not your fault. None of this is your fault. Sadly, your dad is not behaving in a rational or acceptable fashion.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a great person. I am proud of you and backing you 100 per cent.

I'm wondering how your visit with the school counsellor went? This would be an ideal time to pop back for a chat.

The counsellor can give you advice on getting into medicine through different pathways, if necessary. The counsellor could also help to work out home strategies to keep you safe.

I'm worried about you. In an emergency call 000. If you need to talk to someone call the bb support line, any time day or night.

When you have time, if you want (no pressure), let me know how it went with dad.

Kind thoughts to you

I regret so much ever telling my parents I want to get into medicine! Now they're fully set on me getting into medicine or nothing... I'm so exhausted, my first post on this website doesn't even compare to how I feel now.

This is such a stressful time for me, it's like no one in my life understands... My whole family was so proud of my cousin for simply getting into uni. But since my father simply cannot keep his mouth shut about any good achievement I've ever gotten (he likes to boast because it boosts his own ego, not because he wants to do it on my behalf), and now my whole family is waiting for "good news" with their expectations of me significantly higher. If I don't get into medicine, it's completely over for me.

Of course, I agree with you when you say that a "good" ATAR is subjective to one's circumstances and I think both your son and daughter did amazingly. But my father doesn't get that, he has a set number for what is a 'good ATAR' and since I had always grown up in an environment with people who have no problem getting into medicine (I go to one of the top schools in my state, and it's crazy there), I can't help but think it'll all be over if I don't into medicine right away... It'll be humiliating, and I'm scared my friends would scoff at me (I go to a school where people look down on people who don't do well in school)

My mental state has been quickly deteriorating over the past six months, and now that my first HSC Trial Exam is tomorrow, I'm seriously thinking of giving up. My dad puts so much emphasis on me doing well otherwise it'll "be embarrassing for him" to the point where everytime he tells me to study, I simply don't want to, so that he doesn't get the idea that I'm doing it for him, or that it can demonstrate that his methods of yelling at me and beating me aren't going to make me work, but ugh... There's absolutely no way to convey to him that what he is doing is wrong.

Hi C74

I'm so disappointed to learn about how your dad is behaving. He really is unhelpful to you and your studies and I'm sorry that you are being poorly treated. You deserve so much more.

Unfortunately, you can't change him and you can't stop him talking about you. All you can change is how you react and your self-talk.

Try to block him out with an invisible wall. You've got to ignore the "noise" and try to stay focused.

Stay calm, no matter what. Give yourself some love. Tell yourself what you know in your heart to be true: whatever the number you will be okay.

You will find a way to get where you want to go. Could be direct, could be roundabout. It just doesn't matter. This is called resilience. It's not failure.

I know from my children's experience that the pressure is currently building. You are close to the finish line, just try to hang in.

Try to ensure you are getting adequate rest. Exercise regularly. Take lots of breaks. Drink lots of water. Remember to breathe.

How did the trial exam go?

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74,

I'd just like to ask how you're going right now. I am a year 11 at a selective school (top in state aswell), who is also currently struggling to get by. Trials have just ended and I would like to know how you're feeling after this extremely stressful period.

I cant imagine what you're going through and I am so sorry for your situation right now, you really don't deserve any of this abuse at all, especially through such a stressful time. I dont want to assume anything, but I think you're a fellow Asian, and the culture is frustrating as all they seem to care about is marks.

Have you ever tried talking to your year adviser or a teacher that you trust? It may help alot as they may be able to find the help that you need. And also, you could try arrange study groups with your friends or your classes. It may help you and it also helps others as it clarifies what they know when they teach someone else. At this rate, I dont think you should think about how anyone else sees you, just focus on yourself.

About you not having an adequate space to study, does your school have a library that is open after school? I think its a good place to study at with no distractions.

Take this time to relax a little bit before the external HSC exams, and try to improve your health. I'm rooting for you!!

- CH

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your valuable advice! And so far, trials are going as expected - I'm not sure if that's good or bad, considering my expectations were pretty low to begin with. I'm extremely nervous for my results, but there's nothing I can do for now except to study for the remaining two trial exams I have left.

I do have something I want to ask, however:

I have great difficulty in concentrating on tasks, and I always have. Whether it’s sitting down to study, or making sure I’m focussed in an exam, it’s always been an issue. Lately, its been getting more and more prominent now that I’m getting 3 hour exams which require focussing for long periods of time. I would start reading a question, and then I hear some small noise, whether it’s a bird chirping outside, or someone dropping their pen, and suddenly it’s like everything has gone out of my head. It makes me so mad at myself, because I can’t force myself to concentrate no matter what I do, and it really affects me in my exams. Would you happen to know any suggestions as to what I can do to prevent this from happening?

I’ve spoken to people about this, teachers, tutors, a careers advisor… many of them suspect things such as ADHD, and said maybe I should get “checked up on it” but I have no idea how to do so, and likely won’t be able to get it “checked out” since I don’t have much time nor do I know who to see about this. In the case that I do have it, my school takes special measures (i.e. they put you in a special room by yourself, with no distractions, instead of an echoey hall with more than 100 students) which would really help me in my HSC. If I don’t, then I can rest assured that I haven’t been put at a disadvantage this whole time.

But I’m not sure, do you think this is worth acting upon, and would you know how to deal with it? :(

Thank you,
C74

Hi C74

I was so pleased to read your most recent post, as you sounded quite positive. Glad you are getting through the trials. You can do this. You are doing it.

With regard to special consideration for exams, there is an application process to follow through the HSC governing body. Provisions like a separate room, extra time, even a scribe, are available to students with a disability.

The disability needs to be professionally diagnosed and then you apply online but you must provide proof. The type of focus and distraction issues you have described could very well be ADHD or could also be anxiety or something else. I really can't say, as I am not a doctor.

A psychologist would likely be the type of practitioner required to make a diagnosis. However, having said all that, I suspect the deadline for lodging an application would have passed, although you can check this at the HSC website or at school.

Your best bet may be to prepare to avoid the noise distraction. I suggest wearing ear plugs (you can buy them at the chemist) or putting cotton wool in your ears. This will block out a lot of noise.

A good night's sleep, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks and lots of water will also help you stay focused. And, in those moments where everything flies out of your head, close your eyes and take some really slow, deep breaths, as this will help you come back into the moment.

Pop in and see your school counsellor as he/she may have some ideas too.

Really proud of you. You are doing an amazing job.

Kind thoughts to you

(sorry, the whole thing didn't post earlier for some reason)

Anyways, I looked over at my mum, and to my alarm, she was tearing up. I quickly backtracked and told her that if she wanted, I could move somewhere really close to where she is, so that I could visit her every week. She then said in a shaky voice that she knows I’m capable of looking after myself, but that I’ll find out it’s more difficult than I think. I agree, but it’s part of the reason why I want to move out - just so I can really get a feel for how difficult it is, and that way I won’t be too shocked when I actually move out for good.


I was just wondering why my mum reacted that way, and what I might’ve done to upset her? I get the feeling it might be a mother thing, me growing up, moving further apart from her… But I’m not too sure. Any possibilities as to why she got upset would help, because I feel bad :(


Thank you,
C74

Hi C74

Nice to hear from you again.

Rest assured, you have done nothing wrong by expressing a desire to move out. My son was exactly like you and I was like your mum. Teary.

You see, as our children grow up they go through many milestones- moving from a crib to a bed, going to school, going away to camp, taking public transport for the first time, etc-and with each accomplishment they move closer to independence and away from needing their mum. To be honest, they are bitter/sweet moments.

When my son moved out (second year uni) I was happy for him, proud and also a little sad. I got over it and grew to love his visits.

He's moved back home now (too expensive as he's saving up for a year of travel) and he's a different young man. It was good for him and a natural part of growing up and when you're ready it will be good for you too.

Give mum some time to adjust to the idea. If I were you, I would concentrate on your studies and focus on this issue after exams. You've got enough on your plate already.

How are things with your father? What did he think about you moving out?

Kind thoughts to you

Hi C74

It's nice to know that you're doing quite well right now! Hope you're taking the time to relax a little and catch up on some sleep!

Oh boi. My prelims start on monday and I am quite stressed and unprepared. I'm actually scared that I'm not gonna pass one of my exams ( under 50%) bc I've kinda been slacking and not really paying attention in class oops. I know its "just year 11", but I'm so scared of disappointing and what if I'm not allowed to continue the subject into next year. idkkkk im just quite stressed.

I already got an N warning for a subject which I'm dropping next year, so I've already disappointed. I'm scared that if i fail my exam for a subject im NOT dropping i might not be legible to do the hsc. I just hadhjaskdhljadHKJhkld

But yeah. Just wanted to ask if you have any tips for learning the whole syllabus in 2 days thanks. (this is so unreasonable what am i doing with life)

Also about moving away for Uni, my sibling does Medicine at Uni so he lives near his campus, but he does come back every fortnight or so. My mum also did cry when he left for the first time, just bc she realised he was growing up so quick. I think its just a natural response, just as SummerRose said, so theres no need to worry.

Hope to hear from you :D