I feel like I'm this whirlpool and I keep coming around to the very same point every time. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way but I'll be honest it's seriously messing with me. I have days where I'm really down, I feel worthless and I hate myself but then I'll have other days where I'm happy and laughing and enjoying myself. So then I feel like what I was feeling on those down days is meaningless, but I know in the back of my head those thoughts are always there but maybe in a range of severity? It makes me feel like those feelings of hatred that really played on my mind were just stupid, attention seeking? But then I'm not telling anyone about how I'm feeling so maybe it's not attention seeking, so what is it??
I went to a couple of counselling sessions, the first was intense I cried and let a lot of my stress out but then in the second I did the thing where I was "happy" I wasn't crying during the week or the thoughts weren't all I was thinking about so then the session ended somewhat there. I left the session feeling a bit confused about myself. What am I doing? Am I using my thoughts as an excuse?
I feel that I devalue my feelings because I'm not always sad. That my feelings aren't as valid or as important. I say I'm ok because at that moment I guess I kind of am. It makes me worried that I'm lying to myself or to other people. To be honest I don't know what I feel anymore. But then my self hatred comes back in full force and I'm at another low point and I repeat the cycle over and over again.
Sorry for this stream of consciousness!