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Topic: Dealing with depression and a long term relationship ending

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. MsRufus
    MsRufus avatar
    14 posts
    12 December 2019

    Hi all,

    First time to the forums,

    I have hit rock bottom!

    Feeling so alone and worthless at the moment and not sure how to get back to being myself.

    For context I am 25, studying my masters online and have always struggled with depression, I am on antidepressants which work great most of the time.

    About 6 months ago my partner of 6 years moved to start a new job and I got very depressed living alone (in the middle of nowhere, limited social circles and was just at home studying). This lead to my partner doubting if me moving in with him in his new house was the right move. And so we broke up. I have moved back in with my parents as I did not see another option. They have been great but I am still not doing so well.

    Recently my ex partner has been diagnosed with Cancer and has pushed me away even more, up until this point we both talked about getting back together.

    I am feeling so alone, and worthless. I feel I have not achieved anything in my life! I am feeling rejected and like I will never find someone again. I know that one day I will be ok but right now I am feeling so down!

    Hope this makes sense I am a bit all over the place at the moment !

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    8059 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to MsRufus

    Hi, welcome

    There seems to be an element of insecurity in your post. Loneliness creates that when during this period it is better to relax and be supportive of your ex as a friend.

    TonyWK

  3. MsRufus
    MsRufus avatar
    14 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to white knight
    Yes I would agree I am defiantly experiencing insecurity ! About myself mostly. I am trying to be there as a support for my ex, but its really hard for me as he keeps pushing me away.
  4. Birdy77
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2254 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to MsRufus
    Dear MsRufus,

    Feeling alone and worthless is an absolutely awful way to feel, and I'm so sorry you are going through this at the moment.

    I guess you have a few things that have piled up on top of you:
    - having your partner move away for a new job;
    - which lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation;
    - deciding to break off the relationship and moving back to your parents;
    - your ex partner's diagnosis and him pushing you away.

    What is great to hear is that beacon light yhat shines through when you say that you know you will get through this and be ok. But right now, you're not, and that's ok too.

    It must be really hard to feel as if your ex partner is pushing you away right now, after having spoken of getting back together. It may just be that he is coming to terms with his diagnosis and doesn't have the mental space to deal with much else.

    I know you want to he there to support him, but you may need to try to do this from more of a distance than you would like, even just for now.

    Once he adjusts to this health shock, he may lean on you once again. So maybe just be there for him, but gently, in the background? Send messages here and there and let him know you're there to support him if and when he is ready?

    In the meantime, it's important you take care of yourself.

    It is terrific that you have reached out here for support with us who understand what it feels like down there at rock bottom. We will listen and support you, and it's a wonderful first step for looking after you.

    You have your study, which keeps you busy. I know you said you don't have a big social network, but you have your supportive parents, which is a great thing.

    What things do you like doing, things that bring back a sense of yourself, or a sense of wellness or peace? For instance, my happy place is vegetable patch. Give me 5 minutes there and i can usually feel some good vibes re-entering my aura. What are some things you can think of that can nurture you during this difficult and painful time?

    We are listening and care for you.

    ­čî╗birdy
  5. MsRufus
    MsRufus avatar
    14 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Thank you for your very thoughtful and quick response!

    I think you are right, he doesn't have the mental capacity right now to worry about a broken relationship and although that is completely ok and I need to respect that, It is difficult for me to understand that he doesn't want me around at a time like this, as I think I would want him around.

    I think again you are right, me trying too hard to support him is having the opposite effect and pushing him away even more. I will try my best to lean on others around me and keep my distance from him. Good advice, and I thank you as I was doing the opposite.

    In terms of taking care of myself, I don't really know what that involves! I plan on spending some time with friends that I have not spent enough time with over the past few years. Although I feel bad making contact when things are going bad for me!

    Once I get this current lot of assignments out of the way I will start looking for some things I enjoy!

    Thanks again for responding and giving some really great advice.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2254 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to MsRufus
    Dear MsRufus,

    I think i can imagine it might feel confusing and maybe frustrating that he is pushing you away, as if it were you going through this diagnosis, you would want him closeby to support you.

    I guess everyone deals with things in their own unique way, and even if we don't totally understand their thiught process, we need to let them do it their way.

    That being said, i think it's good that he knows that you are there for him when he is ready.

    I can understand not being quite sure what it means to look after yourself and do things that bring back your sense of self worth - depression can do that, and it sounds like you've been maybe a bit consumed with trying to reconnect with your ex and then trying to support him. Your wellbeing may have been left behind lately.

    You have been in this relationship your entire adult life, so it might be a bit of an adjustment now, learning about yourself again outside of the relationship maybe?

    Once you've finished your assignments, it would be a really healthy thing to start seeking out things that nurture you and bring you a sense of peace.

    Even while you're still finishing up your uni work, it's important to do things that take care of you. Time in the fresh air, listening to some music, going for short walks ... those kinds of simple things, just to bring some balance after the studying and uni work.

    It's great that you will be reconnecting with some friends you haven't seen for a while. You might re-kindle some solid connections there that might help you to feel less isolated than you have been recently.

    That also might help you to regain a sense of who MsRufus is.

    You are always welcome here, and i hope you will feel supported and less alone.

    ­čî╗birdy