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Topic: close friend + her boyfriend

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. sun+herflowers
    sun+herflowers avatar
    6 posts
    1 June 2020

    hi! im new here, not sure how much is over sharing, my apologies. if anyone has any advice id love to hear it! this is merely venting and wondering if my feelings are valid, i know i have a relatively good life.

    im young and currently only in my second year of high school. so ive been very close with this girl ever since high school started. shes liked this guy forever and they started dating recently. at first i was overjoyed for her, shes dating the guy she liked for ages! but its beginning to turn bitter. she doesnt speak to me unless she has to. she used to come over mon-thurs every second week but last time she was over there was a sort of tension in the air?

    im stressed with assessment and i wanted to work on an assignment that was due soon. she was upset. "maybe we could do a kahoot instead?" she seemed happy. we did a few when she asked, "can I choose one?" of course I said yes, but politely asked if we could do one that didnt include kpop (i know nothing about it so it would just be boring (maybe unfair on my part) and there would be no competition). "okay, thats fine," she says as she tries to find kpop ones. it wasnt the fact that it was kpop but that she didnt respect my wishes if that makes sense?? (im the type of person that gets walked all over constantly so it didn't feel good that the one time i asked it was completely disregarded) she got upset with me and hit me. it hurt more than anything in the world. not her hit but that she had done it, and over such an insignificant thing?

    back to her boyfriend. we don't really speak anymore as she acts like im not there and she only seems to care when its convenient for her. she only ever speaks to me after school, as if she doesnt want to be seen with me or shes only talking to me because theres nothing better to do. i opened up to one of my friends about it and he told some of it. she kept pressuring me to tell her, "why are you mad at me? what did i do?" getting angry with me when i told her it wasnt the right time. eventually i told her a small part of it. i know i need to tell her all of it but i want to word it properly. i dont wanna be put on the spot. i said, "it feels like you only talk to me when your boyfriend's not there," and she got defensive. her response was, "no i dont, youre wrong," it hurt that she threw my feelings away so easily. i just want her to be happy but i wish it wasnt at my expense.

    thank you for reading. sorry if this doesnt make sense, im running out of characters.

  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    1797 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to sun+herflowers

    Hi sun+herflowers

    I am so pleased that you have found your way here to get some support on this one, and just so you know, you are not oversharing, you can chat here, to share as much as you feel comfortable to and to get it off your chest. Also it really does not matter if you are 8, 18 or 88 years old, we are here for everyone, to provide some comfort in times of feeling really sad or just plain yuk!

    I am really sorry first and foremost that your friend hit you, this is not acceptable in any situation and I do feel you need to have a conversation with her about this, to get some answers and to also advise her that her behavior was totally out of line, totally unacceptable and you will not be treated like this.

    It seems to me your friend has some things on her plate and perhaps is not going so well, maybe managing her time with you, with a boyfriend, maybe school and doing school from home, we don't know but it seems like her behaviour is suggesting she has some things going on, no excuse to hit you, or to disregard you feelings or your requests, to sum it up..you ...she is totally disrespecting you.

    I think you do have some decisions to make here, if you want this person in your life? If you do choose to keep her as a friend to ensure she knows that you will not be treated poorly. I think her pressuring you to "tell her what is wrong" alludes to her panicking maybe about what she did to you, but none the less if you were not ready to talk she has to accept that. She did not, she once again lashed out verbally and put it on you. You own your feelings and no one can tell you how you feel is wrong, you own them, you feel them, they are real.

    I unfortunately cannot make this choice for you as to what to do, however we can guide you and to help you through this time. I think once you decide what you want things will start to fall into place. If no longer want her as a friend you have that right, and you can tell her that too, if that is something you want we can work out some words and how to construct a conversation if you like.

    Well done for reaching out tonight sun + herflowers, it is not easy to do so it is really brave and strong of you to look out for you.

    Hope to chat some more to you

    Hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  3. sun+herflowers
    sun+herflowers avatar
    6 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    hello sarah, thank you i really appreciate the quick response.

    we both suffer from severe anxiety and depression and i understand that she is having difficulties with balancing her boyfriend and her friends. i know its very difficult, i love her and care about her very much but i guess at the moment im really only seeming to experience the bad from her.

    i think the thing that makes me the most upset is that she gets angry at me for talking to people that she doesnt know (shes said this on several occasions to many people about me). i understand she jealous and upset but it just sucks that she just left all of a sudden but i cant speak to someone shes not friends with for a few mintues.

    shes been really trying to make an effort to speak to my other friends and i more but it feels so unnatural. i love her more than anything in the world but its just uncomfortable at the moment. she left for 3 months and then when she comes around with us she asks why we act different with her. i dont want her to feel excluded but i just wish she knew that it will be a bit different now.

    i want her in my life, shes a great person to have around. i think right now its just feeling like too much to handle at the moment, especially as its also exam time.

    im feel like im drowning, nothing really feels like a safe space anymore. at school ive got exams and friendship troubles and at home theres a lot happening too. im feeling a lot of pressure right now.

    thank you very much for your time, it means a lot.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. continuousventer
    continuousventer avatar
    59 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to sun+herflowers
    Hello sun+herflowers

    I get how you're feeling, I remember when my close friend got into a relationship. We started to see each other less, no more one on one hangouts.

    It seems like your friend has changed and is acting strangely. I think it's okay to feel hurt that your wishes weren't respected. If my closest friend acted like yours, I would feel hurt. I think it's really hard to tell your friend that they spend a lot of time with their boyfriend and that you feel abandoned.

    I never told my friend that she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. Mainly because I felt like she would automatically reject it
    .

    But your feelings are valid. Your friend shouldn't pressure you do confront her.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. sun+herflowers
    sun+herflowers avatar
    6 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to continuousventer

    hi continuousventer, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

    although im not happy to know that this happened to you, im glad that im not alone in this situation. thank you for making me feel heard and listened to.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. continuousventer
    continuousventer avatar
    59 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to sun+herflowers
    it's really okay, I think it's important to surround yourself with people who care about you. I know that there's people out there who are very protective over their friend, but you have the right to talk to whoever you want. I don't think she's treating you right. I think she wants things to be back to normal in spite of not really being there in the friendship.

    Honestly it is a sucky time of the year, I also got exams too. Good luck, I'm sure you will do your best. I think it's okay to feel overwhelmed too. Pressures at home are not easy. I know because I am experiencing some too. It's not easy having conflict with a friend too.