Hello! I'm not exactly sure on how to word all of this, so I'll try my best
Ever since I was born, I have been apart of a religious cult (that shall remain unnamed for personal reasons). While I am still apart of
it technically, I have mentally left for a while now; just to make things clear, I am in not physical danger what so ever. This cult was
especially good at controlling every thought and action that crossed my mind, what I wore, who I spoke to and what I could do
and or celebrate.
This along with the fact that I will most likely be cut off from a lot of friends/family I've know all my life when I come out as gay,
controls my emotions 24/7. While I have mentally checked out of this cult for a while now, I am still governed by the fears and mindset
that was instilled in me as a child. I could list hundreds of fears I have from this mindset, but the major ones I feel are the fear of
talking to people outside of the religion, the fear that I'm being watched and judged 24/7 and disappointing my family/friends if I leave or do something wrong. There is a lot more I could add to this, but for the sake of brevity I will keep it short.
Depression and anxiety have had a foothold on my soul for a long period of time now, if I had to guess when it started, it would be when
I was 12/13 (Im 17 at the moment). I struggle to leave my house for anything besides school at this point, and have hardly ever hung out
with any of my friends (especially if they were outside of the religion), and in some ways I feel like the only emotions I've felt for
these years are depressed and anxious as they only seem to get worse and worse the older I get. I feel so disconnected from the emotive
and colourful lives people my age are living, I've always struggled to hold a conversation and make friends because I'm naturally quiet
and can't shake the feeling that what I'm doing is hurting my family.
The part that seems to trigger my depression the most is the fact that many people cannot relate to what I'm going through at all,
because most people aren't in a cult and have been able to feel positive emotions for the past few years. I've tried therapy, but with no luck sadly.
I know very well that most people won't know how to react to this, but its been on my chest for a long time and I am in desperate need in finding help and or advice on what to do from here
Thank you so much for reading.