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Topic: Anxiety over potential breakup

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Nobby69
    Nobby69 avatar
    1 posts
    22 February 2019

    I’ve been considering breaking up with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

    We’ve been together just over 4 years and have a house together. I’m an expact and moved over to Oz at a younge age. My family have all moved home so I am out here on my own with him. I have a great group of friends and would have heaps of support if needed.

    He is such a great guy and I love him very much. He is kind, romantic, funny and helpful around the house. We are best of friends. Although I’m saying that I just can’t seem to stop thinking about breaking up with him. I’m a very motivated person with a good job and a drive for travel/adventures/personal growth etc. He hasn’t progressed much in the last 4 years and has no real desire to. every milestone we have had is down to me making it happen. I just feel like I’m doing life alone and am dragging him along with me. He has stopped seeing his friends as much as he used to and spends most of his time on the sofa unless I organise something for us to do. I just feel very bored and as though I could get so much further on my own. I would also love to move home and be with my family once I start having kids and settling down. This isn’t on the cards for him.

    If a friend came to me with this problem I’d tell her to leave. I just can’t physically make myself do it. I’m so afraid I’m making a mistake and I’m terrified of hurting him. Everyone always tells me how great of a guy he is and that I’m so lucky he gets on so well with everyone. I just wish I could stop thinking about ending it.

    Any advice?

  2. Skary Bill
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Skary Bill avatar
    5 posts
    22 February 2019 in reply to Nobby69

    Hi Nobby69,

    There will be people along soon with much better advice than me, but I just wanted to say welcome and share a few thoughts about your situation. I personally think sometimes people grow apart. It's not right or wrong, it's just life. My ex and I went our separate ways after nearly 10 years. It hurt a bit, and change that big is never that easy. But ultimately, she was ready to have kids.. And I was ready to have a speedboat.... We parted amicably and we're still on friendly terms.

    I think it's good that you're looking for constructive discourse about the issue. But I'm tempted to suggest the best person to talk to about it is sitting on your couch. I suspect, had I known how my ex felt earlier. I might have upped my game before she gave up on me.

    You both sound like good people and I'm wishing you all the best.

    Bill.

  3. Gelati
    Gelati avatar
    2 posts
    24 February 2019 in reply to Nobby69

    Hi Nobby,

    this is a very similar scenario to what I have experienced. Maybe I could share it with you, to comfort you that you’re not the first to go through this.

    I was with my ex-partner for 4.5 years and, about 1 year into the relationship, I began to develop a nagging gut feeling that it just wasn’t right. I did managed to bring it up a couple of times (after stewing iver it for weeks or mobths each time!) but each time he queried what the problem was, like I needed to give him a soecific reason. The fact was, though, that I had no other reason but a gut feeling telling me it wasn’t right. So each time we said we’ll give it another month and then talk, but we never ended up talking and it was always on me to initiate the discussion the next time. Long story short, I sat on the fence and he was happy in just a mediocre relationship for too long. I even said yes to his marriage proposal because I didn’t think I could say no.

    In the end the distance between us grew so large, but I could ‘t physically utter the words, “I want to break up”. No matter how prepared I felt, the words stubbornly would not cone out. So I hand wrote a letter telling him how much I loved him but that we needed to seriously think about whether our oartnership was viable. Writing instead of a confronting discussion gave me the chance to fully express myself without challenge. He agreed with me and suggested we end things.

    If you’re scared of regretting making the wrong decision, and you feel open to working things out with him, maybe you could tell him a bit about how you feel and ask for his opinion as to how you could both improve things.

    One thing to remember, if you’re worried about ruining someone’s happiness, is that, while you should be kind and courteous, you are ultimately not responsible for someone’s happiness. It is not your job to keep someone happy at the expense of your own.

    wishing you all the very best.