keeping it basic,
i could go on and on and on, but i won’t.
things are good. supposedly.
i can’t scrap the feeling of ‘blah’ right now, i feel a little over worked and drained (started a new full time job),
so i’m very tired, and the anxiety seems to get a lot worse when you’re feeling run down.
but my heart feels heavy. i feel sad. i feel vulnerable and weak, sheltered, and mostly, i feel blah. just meh, just ugh, just motionless - but my mind, is going 100km per hour.
i just feel all that, and my head makes accusations to why is contributing to make myself feel this way,
leaning more toward the relationship i have with my girlfriend at the moment,
and with the little amount of friends i have,
i feel quite alone in this battle, and reject her compassion because i’m worried,
don’t tell her what’s going on, because i’m worried,
and then i’m worried about being worried, and showing her that i’m weak and worried and not feeling good enough and not having the affection when i need it and want it because i don’t want to be needy,
getting upset and draining my entire mood, potentially souring my date with her tonight because she’s said she doesn’t want too dance with me when we go out,
something that means a lot to me,
just feel blah about that, and blah about everything following, it hurts because yeah she has never liked that, but she’s hasn’t even given me a proper chance, just feel like she doesn’t have the same level of ‘that’ for me you know,
being on an equal balance of love, being able to look at you’re partner and feel yourself glow on the inside,
feel like she is much more reserved, and..
it makes it really hard for me, because i have really low self esteem currently - so just hearing stuff like that tonight,
and how how she’s going out tomorrow, probably will dance with other guys...
it just makes you feel blah.
i feel blah, and anxious and just like pure crap.
and that, boom yay - i have distressing thoughts about ‘death’, oh the glory.
i hate it, it happens, i don’t do anything to initiate it, it just happens when i’m anxious and i am over it.
i hate feeling blah.
felt great to get things off my chest, but for one i felt guilty talking i’ll of my relationship but i needed to get it out: