So lately I've always been feeling ashamed of how I act at school, more specifically stuff like overly putting myself down (which seems to annoy my classmates, who are all lovely people) and acting kinda stuck up and nerdy, but in a REALLY annoying and snotty way. It may sound weird that I'm observing this stuff but have not solved the problem already. You see, at school, I feel as though all of my actions are under a microscope, being looked at by both my peers and myself. I think I crack under the pressure of that mindset and I don't think about what I say/do when I'm around my peers. After school, I over-analyse my actions that day and cringe at what I've done, and start to freak out about how my classmates would view me. I fear that I've already created a crappy impression of myself to them, so they'll always see me as that cringy, annoying, stuck-up girl.
Also, it seems that my classmates have kinda created an image for me, as a really nerdy, studious, "know-it-all" girl, and honestly I feel like I've moulded myself to fit that (at least during the time I'm at school, I seem to align myself with that "persona"). I also feel like at school I act way too dramatic, loud and over the top, and although I find myself funny, I know I annoy the crap out of my peers. At school, I act and talk somewhat impulsively and I just know that my classmates would talk about it with each other (they're all very observant, and I've been in conversations where they analyse other people's actions really closely, so it wouldn't be that unrealistic for them to be talking like that about me). This makes me kinda feel like an outcast, and I almost feel like I'm slipping down a mountain and can't grab on, because I constantly lose control of my actions. At times like these, I feel like isolating myself completely from my friends so I have no chance of embarrassing myself, but my psychologist (who I don't very often, and I have talked to on this issue but I would still like another perspective on it) has told me that this is a bad idea, which is fair, and she said that I should work harder to be close to + hang out with them all! I know that it's possible to control them and be more controlled in general, but I need some advice on it.
Deep down I dream (ahah this sounds so cringy) of one day being like some of the year 12 girls at my school. They're graceful, kind, and calm, and although they're not perfect they just seem so in control of themselves and their image!