Listen to your friends’ experiences
How do you talk to someone about how they’re feeling?
When someone you care about isn’t acting the way they normally do, it’s sometimes hard to know what to say. You may want to help them, but you don’t know how. We’ve included some advice for you below, but it’s important to realise that everyone’s different - they’ll have different things that they’re okay with talking about and they could act in different ways.
Here are some tips that might be useful to help you support someone you’re worried about:
Starting the conversation
Sometimes the most difficult thing is just working out how to start a conversation with someone who isn’t feeling themselves. It’s important to choose a time when you’re both free to talk and a place where you both feel comfortable. You might want to start by saying something like “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down lately…”
Everyone’s different
Each of us lives life differently, each of us sees the world in our own way. It’s important to consider things like values, cultural backgrounds, age and so on when talking to someone we’re worried about. Just because you think something isn’t normal, doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same way.
Listen more than talk
Sometimes when a friend wants to talk, they’re not looking for advice. They just want to talk things through or to have somebody listen to what’s going on in their life. Listen as much as you can, and try to work out how they’re feeling. It might be best to save any suggestions you’ve got on how to handle the problem for a later conversation and instead use statements such as “Sounds like you’re having a tough time” or “I can see how that’d bother you”.
Watch your body language
When talking to someone, your body language is important in helping them to feel comfortable. Sit in a relaxed way and keep up the eye contact to let them know you’re listening.
Use open-ended questions
It’s a good idea to use open-ended questions, particularly when you’re starting the conversation. These are questions that require a long answer rather than just a “yes” or a “no”. For example, you could say “Can you tell me about…?” or “What’s going on for you…?”. Neutral comments such as “You sound upset” may also be useful.
Dealing with those difficult conversations
Sometimes when people are feeling down, they can find it hard to talk about their thoughts and feelings. They might even get angry with you when you ask if they’re okay. If this happens it’s important that you:
- Keep calm
- Be fair
- Respect their limits
- Admit you’re wrong if you are
- Don’t lose control or get angry.
Sometimes it may be that they don’t want to talk about it at that time. Perhaps try offering to meet another time or let them know that you’re always at the other end of the phone if they need to talk.
Spend time together
Making the time to hang out or do things with a friend or family member can be a good way to show them that you care. Spending time with them might also help you to understand their thoughts and feelings and show to them that you are there for them. This also may provide a more informal setting for them to open up to you.
Take care of yourself as well
Caring for another person can be hard on you. It’s important that you take care of yourself as well. Try to take time out to relax and enjoy things, like sport, friends, music or going for a walk to keep yourself feeling okay. There are also support groups and services that can provide you with help and information.
