He broke his promise i dont know how to feel other then hes left me alone to never tell me that he loves me, to never tell me he is proud of the mother that i have become, to never see his grandchild grow.

I never had a good relationship with my dad, him and my mum seperated when i was really young and i was pulled n tuggd contenstly between the two of them so it was hard but the day i had my little boy my dad was there n he was the most excited n the most happy i have ever seen him n from then on we had never had a better relationship.

i just dont know what im doing anymore. I get up in the morning because i have to, i dont have a choice i have to get up n look after my son i have been robbd of greiving my dads death but when is it ever going to end im never goin to know why he did it, why has he left me behind, i lay at night and cant sleep because im always thinking what if, what if i just rang him on that day or what if i asked him over would if still of happend i just dont know what direction to go in anymore i feel like im stuck in a dark room and i cant find the door out.

Nyomi.

my mother hasn’t been helping, i don’t see my father anymore because he beat me up and left me in the middle of the road when i was 14, i don’t have any friends anymore because i have alienated myself, my girlfriend cant even manage to cheer me up. ive been with her three years and just want it to go back the way it was. i cant help but push her away because i never want to be around anybody. ive begun to resent everyone and everything and cant control my outbursts, they are becoming more frequent and worse each time.

PLEASE HELP

i stopped going out because i didnt wanna cry anymore and then my mum would yell at me for being lazy and not doing what she said. i would then crack it and end up punching her. i love my mum to bits but i just kept cracking it at everything, i then had to put up with my mum crying and yelling at me and saying no wounder your boyfriend left you. he left me 7 months ago and my mum still says his name and uses him against me cause she knows it will get me upset, she then told my dad about everything. my dad understood but then my brother would yell at me and call me names. whenever i tryed to do something to make me better he would push me down. i started working and i got picked on by the manager because my till would be down.  i allways counted my money right but people would get change outta my till and id be down so it would come out of my pay. it really annoyed me so i left and then i would get into trouble with my mum because i wouldnt do anything.

i had a massive fall out with my friends. they got boyfriends and i didnt. there boyfriend were friends so it was allways just them 4 and never invited me. none of my friends wanted to see me they would allways make up some excuse. so i stoped asking to hang out. then i cracked it when they were with my ex boyfriend because my ex boyfriends sisster is in our group and i didnt wanna go anywhere near him. so my friends had to stay at my house always. we’d come home at 6am and my mum used to take it out on me. i was so tired so i would end up hitting my mum and she would cry and call my dad and he would have to come get me. i kept having random break downs for about 2 months i used to cry myself to sleep. my friends went to stab me with sissors recently in a cooking lesson. i went home and cried to my mum and she said no wounder i dont have friends i treat them like shit but i honestly dont know why it was all my fault. i couldnt face anyone so i didnt go to school for about 2 weeks.

my parents have been split up since i was 8 so i hardly see my dad. once i hadnt gone to school for 2 weeks i just decided to leave school for good. i tryed getting a job but no one would take me. im only in year 9 because i stayed down in prep so i still get shit for being older then everyon else. im fat and i have a flat face my teeth have a gap in them and my mum dosnt have money for me to get braces to fix it, i wear make up i have bright red hair and i have a few peircings. thats what i hide behind so no one hurts me.  it makes me happy i love my bright red hair and peircings and make up but my mum calls me an ompa loompa i know she dosnt mean it but it still really hurts. i tell her to stop and she makes up jokes about me and it hurts so i crack the shits at her. the only person that understands is my dad but he dosnt really like my peircings.  i feel bad if i leave my mum and then i feel bad if i leave my dad but my dad has my brother and my mum has no one else so i dont know what to do. i have 3 friends but i only talk to one of them. i love him heaps ! he makes me happy but he suffers depresstion and we talk about it but it puts me down because when i talk about whats happening to me hes like hmmm yeah and then goes on about him. so i dont bother telling him anything.

i have suisdal thoughts sometimes , i think about cutting myself again…i cant sleep anymore. one minute im happy the next im upset i think i have bipola i told my mum and she thinks i suffer depresstion and so does she so it makes it worse because i want her to be happy but i cant if im not happy myself . id rather not be here anymore. i only stay because i know my mum would think it was her fault and i dont want her to be upset without me. ive come close to commiting suiside but i dont have enough courage. im just over everything i just wanna move away to were no one knows me so i can start off new but my mum dont wanna move out too far because she has a perfect job and i dont want her too lose that so i have to suffer here. i hate everything.

love Shae

On the say week few days later my boyfriend left me and it was my first boyfriend and it was a really long relationship when he left me i just totally broke down because i lost my friends and my boyfriend.

My friends told everyone my secrets that i had told them in secret because i had trusted them and now there is so much stuff going around and everyone is judging me. i feel so alone because my friends have left me and people dont want to be my friend because of what other people say.

when i try to rebuild myself i find out something new and everything just comes down again im trying so hard to be strong but in the end it always gets to me.

I feel like crying over the stupidest things and have actually yelled at my mum, which I never do. My mum is not someone you can yell at easily.

Why do I feel this way again?

I miss a father who hasn’t had time for me in the last six or so years. I’m remembering being touched by my best friends drunk older brother. I’m remembering attempting suicide.

I want all the memories to go away! They’re tormenting me!

Maybe I’ll cry myself to sleep as I harm myself tonight.

Goodnight,

The Ghost

I lost my aunty when I was 9 years old to suicide, and that was a major impact on my family, me being so young had no idea or understanding as to what happened, when I finished primary school I moved to a different suburb and started high school, I didn’t know anyone there so trying to fit in was hard as everyone had there own social groups, I was judged a lot on all different things.

Year 8 came and I thought I had a group of friends, I met a guy that I had liked and started dating him, well things turned sour and he decided to make up a nick name for me called fishy, that’s when things changed and I ended up with pretty much no one, at first the people that were supposed to be my friends kept calling me this name and I had no idea as to why they just kept saying diff stuff and were still pretending to be my friends, as time went by I had found out the meaning to my nick name and i started getting bullied because of it, I hated going to school everyday as an out cast and being the black sheep, id go home from school and start self harmingnot to intentionally kill myself but just to take the pain away, soon enough everyone that didn’t like me would call me fishy,I was self harming in the same places I had already, year 9 got worse, I was flunking school, walking out of the classroom in the middle of the day even in the middle of a class, year 10 I wat at the end, I just wanted it all to end, I had older siblings of people that were bullying me come to my school to look for me to bash me, I had teachers drive me home and everything it was hell I hated life by then, I was getting death threats over texts, phone calls, and over the internet. Finally went to the police to do something about it and they did pretty much nothing. The school was useless and did absolutely nothing about it either. By the end of year 10 I completed it and I left, but things still didn’t settle down, those Christmas holidays I was in town shopping for my family for Christmas, and I got approached by 2 girls I went to school with and that were supposed to be my friends at school, they started yelling at me and abusing me and the next thing I remember is getting punched in the face a few times and almost pulled to the ground by both of them, I didn’t fight back and no one did a thing to stop it, not even the security guards. ]When I was about 17 it got worse for me, I pretty much never left the house, I had no confidence in myself and had no self esteem at all. And that’s when I first attempted suicide. Someone close to me at the time picked up the signs and I ended up in a child adolescent phsyc ward, I was in there for a week and that week was the slowest and worst week I had ever had I had hit my lowest point and I was alone in myself and my thoughts. I finally got out of there after a week and I felt so disorientated, and I felt like I didn’t belong again. I got involved in youth groups and got into counceling to help me beat my depression, everything was going really well, but at the end of 2009 I relapsed, I attempted suicide again a few times I got taken to the hospital and I was all spaced out all I wanted to hear at the time was shes not gonna make it, that is all I was hoping at that point in time, I had reached my lowest point again and this time I didn’t think I was going to come out of it. I got asked by a youth group if I wanted to go on a youth camp with other young people suffering a mental illness, I went on the first one and made so many new people and made some amazing friends, and for once in my life I actually felt accepted by people it was the best feeling in the world, then I was 18 and in the middle of 2010 I went on another youth camp up in Darwin for 6 days, it was the most amazing peaceful place I had ever been and I was surrounded by the most amazing people you could ever meet, and I was happy, all up I got to go on about 3 different youth camps and met a whole new bunch of amazing people at each one, a few of us got together and created a docco about the stigma and stuff on mental illness etc, and we toured out to schools and the dvd is still being toured and is also on youtube.

Depression is a scary thing to have to face, but you don’t have to be alone in it, there are people there that do want to help you through it no matter what, there are good support groups out there also, as much as you feel alone and empty you aren’t, but its up to you if you get the help or not, I still suffer sometimes and get upset and have a cry about things, but I know that its okay to cry and let it out sometimes because its better than bottling it all up and hurting yourself. The people that care wont judge you. Its scary I know, I almost wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for the amazing support from my family and friends and profecionals around me. And I am still trying to find my happy place, but ill get there I know I will. Im stronger than I used to be and I know that each day im still breathing is one step closer to my goals in life and its beats the bullys up to show them I am still here and I am still me standing on my own to feet. And if you have it in you you can also do it yourself.