This has happened before and i thought i was ok, i thought i was getting better.

I dont know how to relax, it feels like i need people to tell me what to do to relax and keep calm with my life.

Im so sad, so tired, and i dont know what to do anymore, talk to a professional did not help at all. The only people who help are kids help line. I thought i was better.

Can someone help me? Give me an idea what to do? People always say “your the only one that can figure that our or find the answer” i just cant, i dont know how.

Sorry for my lame story. No one usually listens to me anyway. I just need to find things to do to keep my pre-occupied but i dont know what and dont know how.

beyondblue is committed to raising awareness about these issues and helping to reduce the discrimination faced by GLBTI communities.

Many GLBTI people report to dealing surprisingly well with systemic discrimination, and most do not experience depression or any other mental health condition. However, experiences with discrimination and stigmatisation can lead to a higher likelihood of emotional distress, depression and anxiety.

Check beyondblue’s Left Handed Campaign and Rob and Marlee’s personal stories here

But it’s not funny. It really isn’t f***ing funny.

I had a few friends who were depressed then. I didn’t really know what they were gong through, but at least I knew I didn’t know, and never tried to claim I did. I’d just listen - I’m a good listener, I’ve been told. I don’t really judge. Knowing me, I’d probably come to the wrong conclusion, anyway. Lost contact with them ages ago. I redefine socially awkward. I have no idea how they could be so open about it, but I guess it helped they had actual problems they could point to.

I don’t have anything to point to. I kind of wish I did, at least then I’d feel a bit justified, rather than just plain worthless.

Maybe that’s why it took me so long to catch on. I finished high school, said goodbye to people I’d only ever see again by chance, started uni. Made it all the way until October before I ran out of denial.

There’s just so much stigma involved with it, no one really considers it could be them next. That’s why it took me so long to get diagnosed: because I didn’t tell anyone how I couldn’t even get myself out of bed to go to class. How I hated myself for being so lazy and useless. It’s not like not wanting to get up was new - I’d been like that all the way through highschool. It was my fault, but if I closed my eyes it wasn’t happening, and to anyone who noticed I wasn’t there, I lied. I’m a great liar - comes with being a good listener, I know what people want to hear. In the end, no one even noticed: I had to ask for help.

And they did help - at first. I was put on meds by my doctor, my parents made sure I got up and dressed and showered and ate at least two meals a day. I was a total mess, and I could barely even admit it to myself. It hadn’t been just that semester, it had been years, just not bad enough for me to notice. No one had noticed because I was clever enough to get by without studying, and had no friends who’d bother noticing. I took the next year off, and I was doing better, by the end. Well, somewhat. Some of the time. I wanted to get a job, but don’t have any skills worth putting on a resume. They got fed up, and I was doing better, even if I didn’t always feel like it. Reenrolling was less painful than the fuss that would have started if I was still doing nothing.

I’m back at uni now, and I’m not okay. I would tell them that, if anyone asked, but they don’t. I’m not failing yet, but not doing well enough to be worth anything. I do my best and barely get a pass, I don’t really know anyone on campus, I’m not really sleeping, and I’m so tired. Of being a failure, of not succeeding even when I do my best, of feeling like this, of being so worthless. I might be doing better than I was in 2011, but I’m feeling worse. Suicide has never been on the table before, now I’m considering it nearly daily.

I don’t really want to die. Some days, I’m almost okay. But no one believes me when I say I’m feeling especially down. I’ve even told them Ive been thinking about suicide. But I haven’t got far enough in my planning for my psychologist to do anything drastic, and if I ever did get far enough that an intervention was necessary I sure as hell wouldn’t tell anyone who could stop me.

I’m finally telling the truth. They think I’m being melodramatic. I put on a smile, and they don’t give a second glance. I’m not okay. My help isn’t helping. I can’t believe it’s possible to feel like this and have no one notice.

I don’t want to die. But I don’t really want to live. Not if I’m always going to feel this way. And I’m run out of hope that it’s ever going to get better.

I promise to make this sound as least preachy and overly positive as I can, because when times are tough sometimes the last thing you need is someone telling you how good things are. But I thought I’d share my story to maybe give a bit of hope to some people who are struggling, that things do get a bit better. Not overnight, or in a week, but they will.

I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 14 and have been medicated since I was 15 (I’m now 22). I struggled heavily with bullying, self worth, self harm, body image, sexuality, career choices, friends, anxiety etc etc The medication didn’t really help the depression or suicidal thoughts, but slowly as I kept trudging through, the weight on my shoulders felt a little less heavy.

Last year (2012), I began suffering from severe panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and crying for no apparent reason. I would break down in the middle of a lecture and have to leave. I often found myself curled up in a ball in a toilet stall or squeezed under a desk in an empty classroom. I didn’t know how to control them or contain them, and they slowly took over my life. I started seeing a psychologist who used CBT techniques to try and understand the cause of my anxiety, but the attacks grew more frequent and intense, and before long I found that the only way I could control them was through self harm. Then the self harm began to control me. I became obsessed with it. I would self harm at least 3 or 4 times a day, and it was quickly growing harder and harder to hide. The stress and the anxiety soon became too much and I found myself standing at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.

From there I was admitted to hospital - the Acute Psychiatric Care Unit. I stayed there for 6 and a half weeks where they tried several different medications to balance my mood. I was transferred to a private hospital where as well as medication, I underwent several rounds of Electroconvulsive Therapy (Shock Therapy) and a variety of psychotherapies. After an argument with my psychiatrist (He was wanting to discharge me the following day to continue seeing him as an outpatient. I was pleading to stay as I had heard a voice for the first time a few days prior and I was scared it was going to return) I was transferred to another public hospital on an involuntary treatment order. I stayed there for another week before being discharged. All up I spent 3 months in hospital. 3 hospitals, 9 different beds, 4 nights in a high dependency unit, 1 night in a padded cell, 5 rounds of ECT, countless different medications, 16kg lost, 16kg gained, numerous different diagnoses (Chronic Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Early Stage Psychosis, EDNOS etc etc), a handful of new amazing friends and a new friend lost to suicide.

When I was discharged I wasn’t a fixed person. I had still resigned myself to the fact that one day I was going to commit suicide, I was just biding my time. I felt selfish and incapable, and I firmly believed that I was nothing but a burden to my family and friends. I felt that by committing suicide, I would be doing them a favour. I would be ridding their lives of an evil and saving them time, money and energy by not being around.

But in the few weeks following my discharge from hospital, the cloud started to lift. Food began to have taste again, I began to find “Friends” and “Will & Grace” funny again, I enjoyed the comfort of snuggling with my dogs or the smell freshly baked biscuits. Things weren’t perfect, but they were looking up.

It’s now been 5 months since I was discharged from hospital. Things are still not perfect, and I don’t expect they ever will be. I still struggle with memory loss from ECT and my medications are still being altered. I still have days where I cannot get out of bed or the occasional panic attack that sends me diving under the nearest desk. I still struggle with guilt and feelings of selfishness. But unlike then, I feel hope for the future. I see a world in 10 years, with me firmly in it. I don’t know where I’ll be, or what I’ll be doing. But I know now, unlike 6 months ago, that I will be here for the ride. There was no magical turning point or miracle cure. It’s taken time and energy. But bit by bit by bit, I’m gradually getting there.

So my advice for you if you are ever feeling unsafe - if you feel as though the world be better off without you in it: Talk to someone you trust - a friend, a parent, a teacher, a GP. Anyone who will take your feelings seriously and support you in getting the help you need. It’s scary. I’m not going to tell you it isn’t. But things can get better, and you deserve to be here to feel and see that. You matter.

New to film-making, and want to develop or learn new skills? (film crew)

Get the chance to make, or crew on a short film in Open Channel’s upcoming training production initiative.

Your film will be broadcast nationally on National Indigenous Television (NITV), giving you your first credit in the business!

Creators will also own the film that they make.

To be eligible, you must identify as an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander and be available to make a film part-time between June and September 2013.

Participants have the opportunity to be commissioned in their role, participate in training or upskilling workshops, and access the latest production equipment and specialised professional support. New learners also have the opportunity to complete a Nationally recognised Certificate III in Media qualification.

For an application kit or more information, contact Dan on (03) 86109300 or email training@openchannel.org.au