Youthbeyondblue

Not Too Sure

TDOForms — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:08:31 +0000

Well, where to start? I know my Mum suffered from severe depression when me and my siblings were young. I know about her attempted Suicide thanks to my abusive dad and other issues, but she doesn’t know that i know that. Now that I’ve Been Married one Year at the age of 23 to a soldier in the Australian Army, i’ve started to feel changes within myself. I’ve always told myself that it wouldn’t happen to me. That I’m strong, and i will be ok, but now i just don’t know.

My Husband and the love of my life, has been a drinker since he was legally allowed. Not an alcoholic and not an overly frequent drinker, but he is a man who is only ok until he hits the end of his second 6 pack. After that it is difficult to get him to stop, and hell breaks loose sometimes if i try. I’m not a drinker. I think this may have been my trigger, but the last thing i want is to blame anything on the man i love. Mind you, this is one of his only major faults. Other than this, he is a truly brave and remarkable man, who i am extremely Proud of.

I have plenty of ‘Friends’ listed on Facebook, but i have not had a regular outting or any regular contact with them in at least 4 Years. I don’t talk to anyone about my relationship with my Husband out of fear of judgement and just general fear itself. I don’t really socialise with any of the friends i once considered close. None of them contact me to ask how I am, given that we have had a turbulant 1st year of marriage with my Husband training, and living, interstate for 10 of the last 12 months. We have recently been trying to get pregnant. Having children is what i have wanted since i was young. But i’m scared of what my possible depression may mean for our baby. I do not want to risk our child out of my own selfishness.

These days, i cry at the drop of a hat, and i’m extremely sensative to the smallest of criticisms or things that ‘hurt my feelings’ that my husband or others say or do. Even thoughts of suicide and self harm have crept into my mind. Mostly, i feel worthlessness and fear of the condition that caused my Mum so much anguish. She is the strongest person i have ever met, raising both me and my sister by herself, but even now, she sometimes lets the little cracks show through.

I suppose I’m petrified of what i do not understand. I have always been the strong one of the family, but i wonder now if that is the truth. I am hoping I can start to come to terms with my fear and hopefully overcome it and learn to cope. I’m setting myself a goal i am hoping is not insurmountable

Friends Turn Against After Breakup

TDOForms — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:06:15 +0000

I Am 13 And I’ve Been Suffering Alot Of Depression In The Past Month Or 2. Today I Had To Breakup With My Boyfriend And My Friends Told Me To Get Over It (being sad) And Told Me I Don’t Understand Love. I DO Understand Love And I KNOW It. The Longest Relationship I Have Had Is 3 Years And Thats Hard To Believe. I Have Had 3 People Tell Me That I Don’t Understand Love And It HURTS When People Say That. I Have Lost 2 Friends Over And Over And Had Fights With Them And That’s Not Really Helping. My Dad Once Told Me I Don’t Understand Love And I Didn’t Talk To Him For A Whole 24 Hours And Cried.
Yesterday I Did A Performance At School And Everyone Said It Sucked.
I Am Like The School Looser But I Don’t Know Why Everyone Calls Me Ugly If Im Pretty.
Someone Please Help Me.. It Is REALLY Getting To Me.

Consideration.

TDOForms — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:05:12 +0000

The past couple of months I’ve been attemptting to take myself. I ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt and now my parents force me to see a physiatrist but it doesn’t help. Even though nothing dramatically horrible has happened to me, I just feel useless and as if nobody really cares about me or wants me. My parents are always disappointed in me or roll their eyes when I cry. I lost my friends because I lost interest in talking. Now everyone at school thinks I’m weird because they heard about me going to hospital after attempting suicide. They began making up rumors about me and continue to do so. I feel lonely, I know I’m not the only one. Is there anyone who has experienced something similar to this? I’m hoping for some help.

Locked up inside.

TDOForms — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:03:50 +0000

Hello to those who are reading this. My name is Jessica and i wrote the story ‘was lost, but found.’. I have another story that i will share with you. Two years ago, i stopped feeling happy, i felt like staying in bed, and i refused to talk to anyone about my feelings. At the same time, i was being bullied. I remember talking to the bully about my feelings, but she didn’t understand. I felt like dying, but i never gave in. There were also times where i felt like hurting myself. I almost did, but i knew that pain wouldn’t do anything for me. The next year, i told a teacher and she said that i could’ve been depressed. I also told my closest friends who understood me. For a moment, i thought i knew what it was like to be happy, but disaster struck when i was bullied again, but right when i felt like giving up, i talked to the bully. After she told me how she felt, i realised that i made a new friend. She is still my friend to this very day. I still feel sad, but i’m getting better! I now have the strength to smile and be happy. Thankyou for listening to my story and i hope i have helped someone.

Jessica.

getting there

TDOForms — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 05:45:02 +0000

im 17 and have been struggling with depression for two and a half years. i have lost friends to suicide and i myself have felt that low.my dad broke his neck two years ago and it has been hard for my family especially my mum. i try to help as much as i can as he is a quadriplegic now and entirely dependent. i also didnt have the best child hood but it hasnt stopped me. somedays i have felt like the world is going to end but so far it hasnt. i understand what it is like to feel that pain and feel like you will not make it to the next day and it is upsetting that some dont. they dont see that it will get better though it may seem like it wont. i was talking to my best friend a few hours before he committed suicide and i tried to convince him not to. he promised me that he wouldnt but when i went to school the next day and saw he wasnt there i knew something had happened even before i was told. in that moment soemthing inside of me died. i still carry around the guilt that i could have stopped him. that i could have done more. i couldnt save him but i want to try to help others. i dont want anymore lives lost.

I want it to END!

TDOForms — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 05:41:52 +0000

Hmmm..
ive got the guts up to do something about my depression/anxiety,since ive been told by friends & family.
I really have no idea sometimes why i am feeling the way i am.
I have had anxiety for as long as i can remember.And depression has developed over the past three years.
it scares me alot. to even know that my sisters & mother seem like there getting that way , since we have had this huge chage in lifestyle. We lived in a caravan for thee months after we were kicked out of my dads house… I missed out on heaps of school that year. The next year i wanted to make things better , but it got worst. I am at the stage now that i am always sick , not wanting to go to school , cry daily and loosing intrest in socialising. Ive lost all my friends , who dont talk to me because they think i dont want anything to do with them , but the truth is i just really wanting to taslk to someone that will help me stop feeling so down. Ive deleted facebook , bebo , msn etc cause i get unwanted contact by ”friends” from school. They really dont know what there causing on me. :s

One of those days.

TDOForms — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 05:30:31 +0000

So I’m at school today, in my free. Today feels like a hard day. I feel really anxious and concerned, but I don’t now why. I hate this feeling. I can feel a heaviness in my chest, its weighing down and its hard to breathe. I feel sad, but for no reason. Just sad. Sometimes each day is just too hard. I just want to go home and hide under my doona, take some sleeping tablets and dream the day away. Why does it have to be like this? I have no reason to feel this way, yet I do. I just want the ache to go away, anything to function and feel something other than sadness or numbness. Today is one of those days.

Story Title

TDOForms — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:36:45 +0000

I don’t really know how to start … so i guess I’ll begin with how I’m feeling…
I feel worthless, hopeless, angry, sad and guilty every single day (for many reasons, past and present, that I wont go into). I feel like I cant do this (life) anymore. You know, its not really a choice… its not like I don’t want to do it anymore… its that I emotionally and psychically CANT.
I was first feeling suicidal a few months back. I hadn’t made up my mind at that stage whether or not to actually act on that feeling. So I tried to speak to someone. I went to one of my teachers at university, who didn’t want to speak to me. After that everything started to get a lot worse. Whats harder than feeling so bad that you want to die? Telling someone, and them not even caring. I guess it just confirmed for me that suicide was the answer, seeing as no-one even would care if I left.
I then proceeded to set a date. I had a plan, I wrote the letter, I had the means. I wrote the letter the day before, but then the actual day came. And I got scared.
So what am I suppose to do when it’s too painful to live, but I’m too scared to die?
It just hurts so bad. All the time. This pain in my heart and my stomach that I feel constantly, just wont go away. So what now?

Strugglin’..

TDOForms — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:29:56 +0000

Life sucks and I don’t know why….I keep getting told that this is the best time of my life but it sure doesnt feel like it. Currently the only real joy I feel and what I spend most of my time looking foward to doing and thinking about is drugs. And then they wear off and I realise the time Ive wasted and how little I have achieved…plus theres the damage to my body….but then in a week or two I do it again! Madness…

I work in a position of responsibility at a relativly young age and pull a nearly 6 figure salary package, as well as own my own home and have proud, supportive parents and I feel this way? I have done all the hard yards at school and in the workforce to get where I need to be and yet don’t feel a great deal of satisfation or pride, in fact I ussualy feel guilty and insecure, particulary when I am using or afterwards. I feel like I live two lives. In my work life I am strong and independant, respected and sought out for guidance but in my other life I am lost. The two worlds overlap sometimes and I feel that I am in control of my home life but I fall into the same old habits every weekend, despite the best of intentions. Sometimes I think if it wasnt for work it would be so easy for me to fall into the depths of addiction which is something I have tasted in the past and have no desire to become more aquainted with. I am also well aware that I am high risk given my family’s history and my personality.

I don’t know what to do. I have considered getting “help” so many times but don’t know where to start. Im sure one large piece of the puzzle is that im a complete failure at relationships so over the last couple of years I have buried myself in work. I have found my own ways to entertain myself, and now Im not sure if I can do without those coping mechanisms.

I feel like a friggin loser, and success at work only makes me feel worse, as everyone looks at me as being young, succesful and “having it all”, when I really feel unhappy and unsuccesful, particulary in the relationship department.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I didn’t intend to write so much but feel like I could easily keep on going..

No solution

TDOForms — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:27:46 +0000

I’ve no reason to be depressed, but I am. No prior abuse, no shortcomings in my life. I work, study, live where I want to. I should be very happy with my life, but I’m not. I’ve always been able to achieve whatever I’ve wanted, but not conquer this. I’m constantly tired, of late I’ve been unable to sleep properly. Nights are the worst, everything comes out. Sometimes I just cry quietly in bed at night. I’ve never sought help, unlikely to. I’ve a father with clinical depression, he’s been hospitalised with it for months at a time. I’ve always seen it as real weakness. He used to be smart and useful, in the last few years he’s become emotionally childish, a real burden on my mother. I’ve been living out of home for a year or two now, I’m glad not to have that constant reminder around. No one knows that I’m depressed or sad. I don’t deflect my depression back on friends, family or coworkers. It’s something I’ve kept totally close to my chest. I’ve changed cities, friends, jobs, degrees, houses and pretty much everything, nothing has helped.