My story
My.story
I’m.nineteen.I’m.married.and.I.have.the.most.beautiful.little.boy.you.could.ever.imagine.
yet.I.sometimes.feel.anxious.and.alot.of.the.time.feel.stressed. I.still.smile.alot.of.the.time.but.there.are.times where.im.just.blank.faced.
In.my.situation.i.should.be.constantly.happy.I.have.a.husband.who.has.the.biggest.heart.you.would.ever.find. He.makes.me.happier.then.anyone.else.ever.could.
Just.over.a.year.ago.when.giving.birth.to.my.son.We.encountered.a.few.difficulties. I.went.into.hard.labour.at.11am.on.monday.and.had.him.7.32am.tuesday.
I.ended.up.having.the.epidural.which.took.five.attempts.as.the.doctor.couldnt.find.my.chord.
I.remember.when.it.finally.came.the.time.to.push.But.nothing.happened.Jayce.was.trying.to.come.facing.the.wrong.way.
I.wanted.to.give.up.but.apparently.you.cant.just.give.up.when.giving.birth.unfortunately.
Two.hours.passed.still.nothing.constant.pushing.and.nothing.they.kept.promising.last.push.ten.minutes.and.youll.have.your.baby.but.no.
hours.passed.and.I.still.didnt.have.my.baby.
I.was.so.high.on.the.gas.and.they.came.to.me.asking.to.use.instruments.they.locked.my.mum.out.of.the.room.
as.we.had.been.stating.no.instruments.from.the.beginning.they.told.me.that.if.i.didnt.act.now.my.baby.was.going.to.die.
they.rushed.me.off.to.the.emergency.labour.ward.where.my.husband.followed.
I.remember.being.in.that.room.and.not.recognising.my.husband.i.had.never.been.so.scared.they.cut.me.to.fit.the.instruments.
and.it.still.didnt.work.
it.was.time.for.our.last.shot.an.emergency.c.section.the.room.was.white.the.surgeon.began.to.cut.me.open.
he.was.shaking.my.body.trying.to.do.so.I.was.telling.him.that.i.could.feel.it.and.he.wouldnt.believe.me.
The.doctor.who.gave.me.the.epidural.stood.in.saying.that.i.could.feel.it.and.that.they.were.to.put.me.under.
my.partner.was.made.to.leave.
The.next.thing.i.remember.is.waking.up.in.a.completely.white.and.silent.room.by.myself.I.was.numb.and.I.couldnt.move.my.body.
There.was.no.one.in.the.room.there.was.no.baby.I.honestly.thought.id.died.i.didnt.know.what.happened.to.my.baby.or.me.
It.was.all.a.blur.Finally.a.nurse.came.in.
I.asked.where.my.baby.was.all.she.said.was.she.had.to.talk.to.me.about.it.later.
the.worst.thoughts.were.already.in.my.head.he.didnt.make.it.Tears.rolled.down.my.face.
I.asked.to.see.him.she.just.looked.at.me.with.sad.eyes.and.then.said.i.couldnt.see.him.just.yet.
She.said.i.had.to.wait.until.i.could.put.my.leg.in.the.air.i.was.so.determined.
i.was.able.to.bring.feeling.back.to.my.body.in.order.to.move.my.leg.to.where.she.said.i.had.to.
she.stated.she.had.never.seen.anyone.do.it.so.quick.before.all.i.remember.replying.was.i.just.want.to.see.my.baby.
she.wheeled.me.out.of.the.recovery.room.there.were.four.pale.faces.waiting.for.me.
my.mum.my.partner.and.my.grandparents.”Is.he.beautiful?”i.asked.my.mum.cried.and.just.said.yes.
I.knew.something.was.wrong.they.had.it.written.all.over.their.faces.even.my.pop.and.he.doesnt.show.emotion.too.much.
I.waited.in.the.room.but.i.couldnt.wait.any.longer.i.asked.my.partner.to.go.and.take.a.photo.for.me.
i.just.wanted.to.know.what.my.baby.looked.like.simply.because.i.had.no.idea.
he.brought.me.back.a.photo.and.tears.welled.up.in.my.eyes.my.mum.was.right,he.was.beautiful.
perfect.even.he.was.the.most.beautiful.thing.i.had.ever.seen.and.personally.i.dont.think.newborns.are.beautiful.but.to.me.he.was.
They.finally.wheeled.him.into.me.from.special.care.and.placed.him.on.my.chest.
i.wasnt.allowed.to.hold.him.for.long.before.they.wheeled.him.away.again.
it.didnt.seem.fair.to.me.Jayce.suffered.from.a.bleed.through.his.scalp.and.scull.caused.by.the.instruments.that.were.used.
they.didnt.know.what.was.wrong.or.if.it.would.cure.itself.but.simply.they.didnt.know.how.to.fix.it.
on.the.wednesday.they.told.us.that.it.was.possibe.that.our.baby.was.going.to.die.that.he.wouldnt.make.it.soon.after.they.made.everyone.go.home.
i.cried.for.hours.and.then.i.finally.cried.myself.to.sleep.i.have.never.felt.more.heartbreak.then.my.experiences.in.that.hospital.
luckily.he.survived.When.we.go.home.motherhood.wasnt.how.i.expected.it.was.obvious.i.was.suffering.from.post.natal.depression.
id.make.horrible.remarks.like.i.didnt.want.to.be.a.mum.there.was.a.time.where.i.couldnt.touch.him.or.look.at.him.
i.felt.horrible.but.i.didnt,want.to.be.this.way.not.after.everything.we.went.through.having.him.
but.i.couldnt.stop.myself.i.couldnt.enjoy.being.a.mother.i.knew.i.loved.him.but.for.some.reason.i.couldnt.show.it.and.he.deserved.so.much.better.
I.seeked.help.and.the.problem.went.away.me.and.my.partners.relationship.suffered.but.we.got.married.shortly.after.jayce.was.born.
i.fell.so.deeply.in.love.with.him.that.whole.week.a.whole.new.level.of.in.love.id.never.felt.before.
he.changed.my.pads.wiped.my.bum.he.never.gave.up.on.me.or.jayce.even.when.i.did.
shortly.after.we.married.we.seperated.this.was.hard.on.me.but.i.managed.
were.back.together.now.and.im.so.thankful.hes.here.because.after.everything.ive.done.he.shouldnt.be.
but.i.know.he.loves.me.and.i.love.him.more.then.anything.him.and.jayce.are.my.world.
but.recently.it.feels.my.pnd.is.coming.back.not.in.the.way.i.cant.show.jayce.that.i.love.him.but.in.the.way.that.everything.stresses.me.out.
i.cant.do.anything.right.and.i.feel.like.the.world.is.on.my.shoulders. but.that.doesnt.make.me.not.grateful.for.my.husband.or.for.my.baby.
it.just.makes.me.feel.anxious. when.im.upset.i.take.it.out.on.jayce.
i.dont.mean.to.but.it.just.happens.i.cant.stop.myself.even.though.i.dont.want.to.say.the.things.i.do.they.just.rush.out.of.my.mouth.like.word.vomit.
i.dont.know.whats.going.on.with.me.i.have.mood.swings.and.my.relationship.sometimes.suffers.because.of.it.
i.dont.want.to.see.a.councellor.but.my.husband.does.so.much.for.me.i.figure.i.can.do.this.one.small.thing.for.him.
i.really.do.love.him.and.im.going.to.make.our.relationship.and.our.family.works.im.not.giving.up.on.us.even.though.sometimes.he.does.
im.going.to.be.who.he.was.in.that.labour.ward.by.not.giving.up.on.us.even.when.he.wants.to.because.i.have.that.same.faith.in.us,that.he.had.in.me.
My.spacebar.is.broken,sorry.about.that.
Kayle
August 6, 2012
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Hi there Kayle,
My goodness what an emotional journey you and your family have been on. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We hope that you have read some of the other stories here on YBB and our forum for people who have experienced post natal depresssion (http://justspeakup.com.au/) and take some comfort from them.
Its great that you were able to seek help after the birth of your baby and we really admire your courage in speaking up again now. We agree that its probably a good idea to get some help right now, a place to process your feelings regarding this traumatic birth experience and get some support for your relationship stress. If you’d like to get some help in finding a counsellor nearby please give the beyondblue help line a call on 1300 22 4636.
Keep talking Kayle and let us know how you go,
Youth Beyondblue Team