I have been struggling with my moods for about a year and I never thought it was depression.I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was the bullying, people for years have been throwing food, paper, pens, anything they can find at me. I get called names, cyber bullied, I get told to go kill myself and people trip me over. Its all because I’m different to everyone else. Every time it happened I could feel myself go into this numb state at school, but as soon as I got home I would cry, I would lie in bed just thinking about all the things in life I have done wrong to deserve to be treated like this. The more it happened, the more afraid of confrontation I became. Someone would throw something at me and I would throw it back and say ‘Hey! don’t be so rude!’. But that would just make things worse, they would try and fight me. Now I say sorry to everything, even if it wasn’t my fault, just to avoid confrontation.
I went looking for help because I became scared of my thoughts, scared of what I would do to myself. One night I was lying in bed, it was early in the morning and I couldn’t sleep, I could have sworn I had heard a noise outside my room and I immediately thought ‘its a murderer’. But that wasn’t what scared me, what scared me was that I wanted whoever it was to come in and kill me. I wanted to die, and I still do, if I hear a noise while in bed or walking down the streets at night, I couldn’t care less if someone killed me. That’s why I went looking for help. The only thing is, counselling isn’t helping. I refuse to depend on drugs though.
My counsellor is the only one I can talk to about these things, my friends are all busy worrying about their own problems one of my friends has anxiety, the other depression. I feel like I would only bother them with my stories, and my boyfriend would only worry.
Life is overwhelming, and too hard.
May 20, 2012