I don’t know how to describe it.
It’s like I’m looking at myself from the outside, and I’m all numb inside.
I used to love playing soccer - now I can’t without actually feeling tears, and being afraid I’ll screw up or something. I feel like I absolutely suck at it, and I don’t know why I was even picked for the team. The coach doesn’t act like she knows either.
I don’t want to talk about this to some-one without being anonymous. I don’t want to be treated like a crazy person or something, but I wanted to share this.
My close friend has depression. She’s being treated, but I want to help her more. She keeps pushing me away - says she has a support team. It makes me feel unwanted and unneeded and that is so urghh! It sucks!
I can feel anger and fear and sad, but nothing else. I laugh but it’s not real. I’m wearing a mask, and I feel like if I get close to anyone they’ll see right through to who I am and I don’t want that! I don’t want to be known as the weird, stupidly dramatic girl! I want to live life to the full, and enjoy everything, and get good grades and have heaps of friends! I don’t want to be constantly unable to concentrate and always getting angry at myself!
I’m not an extreme case, and I don’t really know why I’m posting. I should be grateful for what I do have, but I just can’t. It’s like it’s all too hard and I just don’t have the strength.
So that’s my story - straight up. I’m sorry if you judge, I’m sorry if you hate. It’s just my truth.
May 17, 2012