im 15 years old. i had the most perfect boyfriend this time last year. i was the happest id ever been before. i fell so deeply inlove with this boy that i ended up losing my virginty to him. we ended up going out for 6 months and then out of no where he broke my heart to the point that i started self harming but i hid it because i didnt want to talk about it i just wanted to come to school to be happy. as soon as i walked in the door of my home i instantly felt so upset and depressed. i went out on weekends, hooked up with boys (nothing more then kiss), drank achole. itmade me feel so much happier and not a thing in the world would hurt me but after a few weekends it went down hill i got too drunk. i broke down to one of my friends. she was going thu the same thing and we just cried. one of my friends would yell at me to get over him and move on because hes mean to me . 3 weeks after we had broken up he got a new girlfriend. i break down when ever i seen him. i might see them out or someone might bring him up and ill cry.
i stopped going out because i didnt wanna cry anymore and then my mum would yell at me for being lazy and not doing what she said. i would then crack it and end up punching her. i love my mum to bits but i just kept cracking it at everything, i then had to put up with my mum crying and yelling at me and saying no wounder your boyfriend left you. he left me 7 months ago and my mum still says his name and uses him against me cause she knows it will get me upset, she then told my dad about everything. my dad understood but then my brother would yell at me and call me names. whenever i tryed to do something to make me better he would push me down. i started working and i got picked on by the manager because my till would be down. i allways counted my money right but people would get change outta my till and id be down so it would come out of my pay. it really annoyed me so i left and then i would get into trouble with my mum because i wouldnt do anything.
i had a massive fall out with my friends. they got boyfriends and i didnt. there boyfriend were friends so it was allways just them 4 and never invited me. none of my friends wanted to see me they would allways make up some excuse. so i stoped asking to hang out. then i cracked it when they were with my ex boyfriend because my ex boyfriends sisster is in our group and i didnt wanna go anywhere near him. so my friends had to stay at my house always. we’d come home at 6am and my mum used to take it out on me. i was so tired so i would end up hitting my mum and she would cry and call my dad and he would have to come get me. i kept having random break downs for about 2 months i used to cry myself to sleep. my friends went to stab me with sissors recently in a cooking lesson. i went home and cried to my mum and she said no wounder i dont have friends i treat them like shit but i honestly dont know why it was all my fault. i couldnt face anyone so i didnt go to school for about 2 weeks.
my parents have been split up since i was 8 so i hardly see my dad. once i hadnt gone to school for 2 weeks i just decided to leave school for good. i tryed getting a job but no one would take me. im only in year 9 because i stayed down in prep so i still get shit for being older then everyon else. im fat and i have a flat face my teeth have a gap in them and my mum dosnt have money for me to get braces to fix it, i wear make up i have bright red hair and i have a few peircings. thats what i hide behind so no one hurts me. it makes me happy i love my bright red hair and peircings and make up but my mum calls me an ompa loompa i know she dosnt mean it but it still really hurts. i tell her to stop and she makes up jokes about me and it hurts so i crack the shits at her. the only person that understands is my dad but he dosnt really like my peircings. i feel bad if i leave my mum and then i feel bad if i leave my dad but my dad has my brother and my mum has no one else so i dont know what to do. i have 3 friends but i only talk to one of them. i love him heaps ! he makes me happy but he suffers depresstion and we talk about it but it puts me down because when i talk about whats happening to me hes like hmmm yeah and then goes on about him. so i dont bother telling him anything.
i have suisdal thoughts sometimes , i think about cutting myself again…i cant sleep anymore. one minute im happy the next im upset i think i have bipola i told my mum and she thinks i suffer depresstion and so does she so it makes it worse because i want her to be happy but i cant if im not happy myself . id rather not be here anymore. i only stay because i know my mum would think it was her fault and i dont want her to be upset without me. ive come close to commiting suiside but i dont have enough courage. im just over everything i just wanna move away to were no one knows me so i can start off new but my mum dont wanna move out too far because she has a perfect job and i dont want her too lose that so i have to suffer here. i hate everything.
May 15, 2012