My story
Drowning on dry land
I’m a teenager. Every teenage girl fights with their mum. But most mums don’t yell at their children that they should “should just go die” or other hurtful things. And most teenagers don’t have to live in fear that every time they leave the house after a fight they will return to find their mum has commited suicide. But that’s my life. I live in constant fear that something I say or do will hurt my Mum so badly that she’ll take her life.
Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. And when I feel like I’m finally able to breath again, I’m just waiting to be dragged back under. It’s a constant cycle of adjustments to Mum’s medication and making sure she takes them - we always seem to be looking over our shoulders just waiting for the depression to catch up. Sometimes things will go well for months, but I just know we’re going to have a huge blow up over nothing again soon. Sometimes I feel frustrated with her illness, but then I just feel guilty because I’m not the one with depression, what right do I have to be mad at it? And I always feel selfish when I’m upset because I know no matter what, the way she feels is one hundred times worse.
It’s hard watching the person you love hurt so bad and not be able to take their pain away. I wish society was more educated on depression so that I could talk to someone. I’ve only ever told two people about mum’s illness because I don’t want my friends to judge her or think differently about her. Sadly, most people just don’t understand what it’s like.
Megan
May 3, 2012
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hi megan,
i know exactly how you feel when you say ‘i live in constant fear that something i say or do will hurt my mum so badly that she’ll take her own life’. both me and my mum have depression but i have anxiety as well and we fight a lot becuase i dont go to school (because of my anxiety). we fight more than once everyday. i know its hard to see someone you love hurting so much but sometimes its just out of our control.
you shouldnt be so hard on your self when your sad and you feel guilty. being sad is just a natural way of life.
do u have a councillor at your school? if you do maybe you could go talk to the councillor. councilling can really benefit you when you just need someone to talk. especially when your mum has depression it would be really hard for you to try and look after her and make sure shes taking her medication but also look after yourself. it could put a lot of stress on you. so talking to someone could really help.
good luck x