I’m a teenager. Every teenage girl fights with their mum. But most mums don’t yell at their children that they should “should just go die” or other hurtful things. And most teenagers don’t have to live in fear that every time they leave the house after a fight they will return to find their mum has commited suicide. But that’s my life. I live in constant fear that something I say or do will hurt my Mum so badly that she’ll take her life.
Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. And when I feel like I’m finally able to breath again, I’m just waiting to be dragged back under. It’s a constant cycle of adjustments to Mum’s medication and making sure she takes them - we always seem to be looking over our shoulders just waiting for the depression to catch up. Sometimes things will go well for months, but I just know we’re going to have a huge blow up over nothing again soon. Sometimes I feel frustrated with her illness, but then I just feel guilty because I’m not the one with depression, what right do I have to be mad at it? And I always feel selfish when I’m upset because I know no matter what, the way she feels is one hundred times worse.
It’s hard watching the person you love hurt so bad and not be able to take their pain away. I wish society was more educated on depression so that I could talk to someone. I’ve only ever told two people about mum’s illness because I don’t want my friends to judge her or think differently about her. Sadly, most people just don’t understand what it’s like.
May 3, 2012