My story
The Ghost
Its been two years. Two years since I got depression. It’s been one since I’ve been off the meds. Sometimes though, I wonder if any time has passed at all. Just to clarify, I’m fifteen at the moment and, on the outside most of the time, a happy-go-lucky, somewhat slack but intelligent teenage girl with the stigma of ‘a social life is too high maintenance’. On the inside though, I wonder about myself. Sure, I know that since I’m a teenager I’m supposed to be going through a stage of self discovery and all that crap. But, I wonder if the adults that spout that crap remember how scary it is sometimes to not know, without a doubt, who you really are? Or is that just me?
If I’m not emotionally distancing myself behind what I like to think is a wall of figurative solid steel, then I’m all over the place either getting frustrated at the tiniest thing or wallowing in self pity and memories of a time I’d rather forget. My mum only seems to comfort me in my imagination now, and I can confidently say that I’ve gotten a lot better at lying to her and everyone else around me when they ask ‘you okay?’. Then again, I like to think I’ve always been good at lying when it came to hiding my feelings.
Sure, I’m better than I was and having indulged in self harm in a few months, although I seem to think about it a little more than what makes me comfortable. Even so, I REFUSE to go back to that useless man who called himself a psychiatrist. He was one of the easiest ones to lie to. Yes, I was doing well in school. Yes, I had fun with friends. Yes, I’m feeling great today. Lies. Lies. Lies.
I feel like a ghost in my own life. I slack off and don’t do my homework. I pretend to be a straight-A student. I pretend to be a girl who isn’t terrified of people getting close to her. I pretend that I don’t care about the father I swear to everyone I’ve forgotten about. I pretend to be the best older sister that I can. I pretend to be a normal teenage girl who goes to school and has a part time job. I pretend to be someone I’m not.
Then again, who am I anyway?
Am I that frightened girl locked inside who hates others getting close to her, who is always over thinking things and knows how to put on an award-winning smile? Or am I the girl who gets good grades, chats with friends, writes stories and sings in the shower?
I’m afraid the sadness is coming back. I’m afraid it’ll eat me up again, but instead not let me go. I’m afraid that no one has the time of day for me anymore because my lies are too well told. I know they’re not mind readers…. Sometimes I wish they were, but really wish they aren’t. Who would want to experience the half-assed jumble I call thoughts inside my brain?
Like always, I guess I’m just surfing for sympathy, cause ice cream and dreadful poetry stopped working.
The Ghost,
Savanna
Savanna
April 30, 2012
Replies
Thanks Irene. I guess I could try going back to a counsellor or something. But nothing that costs money, I mean, my mum spent enough for me to go before… So I’m not going put that burden on her again. I wonder why I’m starting to give up again, why I’m starting to realise that I don’t care anymore. I thought I was okay. Obviously not. The mask is getting harder and harder to maintain and I can feel myself slipping. I have urges to hurt myself again, but have enough restraint to stop myself. I don’t know how long that’ll last though.
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Hey Savanna,
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot, I hope you’re doing okay. I just wanted to repeat a little advice given to me just a couple of days ago, and I guess I’m hoping you’ll give it a go ’cause I really feel it might help in some way… Anyway, the advice is; “Find a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor that’s right for you.”
You don’t have to go back to that awful sounding man, I’m in the same situation at the moment actually; going to a psychologist who I really quite severely dislike, but someone else told me, I shouldn’t just give up on all the psychologists/psychiatrists/counsellors out there. Everyone’s different, maybe we’ll find one who actually cares and listens and suits us? I hope you’ll consider finding another psychiatrist
I know how you feel about the lies thing… It’s hard work putting on a mask and putting on a show for the rest of the world. I guess I’d say that not everyone out there is bad, and there are so many good and supportive people out there; like here on YBB.
Maybe you should give them a chance? Not saying you have to trust everyone, but maybe the next time a close friend asks how you are, you can try and share how you really feel? You don’t have to of course, but I guess I’ve learnt the hard way that bottling up your feelings really isn’t very helpful…
Keep in touch, I hope things look up for you