Hi Cassy
We are very sorry to hear that you have been through such a traumatic and distressing ordeal. Nightmares and extra vigilance often happen for people who have experienced life threatening situations. It is possible that you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is really important that you seek some professional help to get through this. Talk some more with your Psychologist and ask if they feel able to offer you treatment, and if not they might suggest somebody who can. Keep talking Cassy and take care, Youth Beyondblue Team.

Thanks for the advice. I read up on certain symptoms i noticed, and it was something to do with a Post Rape Disorder. It’ll pass in time. Thanks for your help.

Hey Cassy,

I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to you. I don’t feel I can say much that will make you feel better, but if you need to talk to someone I’ll always be here.

Wishing you all the best,
Dan

Thanks Dan, but you’re right. People have tried their hardest, but the self-blame, the self inflicted wounds that followed, still follow, the mental scarring, no amount of words can make that go away. But it helps just that tiny bit knowing people will/have gone to huge lengths to make me feel better.

That’s true - I think anything I try to say to help would be quite trivial. But please talk more about your feelings etc. if you feel the need to do so. Also, are you seeing a psych or anything right now? There are psychs that specialise in dealing with these sorts of issues and will in all likelihood help you get through this and come out the other side OK.

Keeping fighting, OK? Don’t give up.

Dan

There’s nothing left to keep fighting for/with.

Not seeing anyone at the moment…Doc is on holidays.

Reached an all time low, needed to be treated for alcohol poisoning, released from hospital last night.

Cassy don’t say that, there’s always something worth fighting for. As fucked-up as what you went through was, you can beat this. Have you heard of Somaly Mam? She was a sex slave in Asia and now she saves hundreds of girls from being sex slaves through her charity work - random example about a girl going through something somewhat related to what you went through, but maybe it can inspire you somewhat (look her up). But seriously, you can beat this. Please look into seeing a psych or someone who is qualified to deal with this sort of issue. I know you can beat this. The human mind is capable of overcoming all sorts of crazy shit. Just hang in there, OK? You’re still young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

And I know you know this, but drinking isn’t the answer. I can tell you from experience - I’m a recovered alcoholic - all it does is fuck you up even more (alcohol’s a depressant, after all). I know it feels good in the short term but it’s not the way to get better.

Please hang in there, Cassy. Am here if you need me.
Dan

My friends have walked away, my family arent supportive, and the drama’s with work, are enough to make anyone quit.

I, too, am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict. I dont drink often any more, but the other night, i wanted to die, didnt want to wake up, but i did.

I appreciate your help, Dan, i really do, but i dont see a point in anything any more, it’s just too hard to face each day.

Hey Cassy,

Sorry if I came across the wrong way before - I wasn’t trying to trivialise what you’ve been through and say that there’s no reason to feel the way you feel or anything - you went through something horrific - I can’t even imagine what that must have been like, and you’re right, it’s enough to make you want to quit. But please don’t. Even if you can’t see it now, there’s still reason for you to keep going. It’s terrible that your friends and family aren’t supporting you but there are still people out there that will care about you, will listen to you, and will do their best to help. I’ll always be here to listen if you need someone to talk to, but in terms of getting professional help, have you tried that kids suicide line? Or checking into a hospital to get a break from everything and seek help (health insurance covers all the costs). I believe there are also groups you can join (kind of similar to AA) for women who have been through similar ordeals to what you’ve been through. I’m sure there are a lot of other options for you to seek out there too, and I know that over time you can beat this if you stick it out. This cite is full of people who have been suicidal for days on end but have managed to pull through and are now healthy. If you want an example, look at the story called ‘Leaking’. The guy, David, was suicidal for months - the story has 189 posts - and for weeks and weeks on end he wanted to die. But read his last post - he feels great now, and he never, ever believed he’d be able to pull through. Once again I can’t even imagine how horrific your experience must have been, but I know that you can beat this, and if - as cheesy and as corny as this sounds - you just seek help, hang in there and don’t give up, you will. There’s light at the end of the tunnel - I promise you.

Also, this may not help you at all, but I’d like to tell you about a couple of things that people told me when I felt really suicidal/there was no hope of like ever getting better. They worked for me - maybe you can get something out of them too:

1. Think about your dreams - even though life seems an endless battle right now, picture them coming true, and picture yourself living your ‘ideal life’ where your dreams, whatever they are, do come true. Do your best to hold on to this picture. Let it give you hope. Do you have any dreams? Tell me about them. Sometimes just talking about them can give you hope.

2. If you’re religious at all, do what you can to draw strength and hope from that.

3. Think about the people that love and care about you - killing yourself would shatter them.

A few other random thoughts:

The substance abuse thing - can totally relate to you there, but please try to avoid that stuff. You know it doesn’t help in the long run. But, if it’s a choice between drinking and killing yourself, then obviously it’s better to drink (I know sometimes your ‘options’ can seem to dwindle down to this). Even still though, if you really feel that you need to drink, try to drink ’slowly’ though, so that you eventually pass out, as opposed to skulling a heap of spirits and getting alcohol poisoning (an old alcoholic’s trick). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to encourage drinking at all - this only really applies when you feel so suicidal that you think that you’re actually going to kill yourself unless you drink to numb the pain - I know it’s definitely possible to feel this (and it appears you felt that way the other night). But of course, this is only the last and final resort - best to avoid this shit all together.

And Cassy, I know that guy really fucked you over in the worst possible way, but - and perhaps it’s not at all possible for you to see this right now - but please try to remember that not all guys are like that. One day you’re going to meet a nice guy who thinks you’re beautiful, who treats you like gold and who would do anything in the world to make you happy. Not all guys are abusive and are going to hurt you. Maybe just try to keep that in the back of your mind, if that’s at all possible.

One final thing - if you believe in fate at all (some people do) - then maybe you can even use this to give you strength at the moment - perhaps the fact that you even survived your ordeal in the first place is a sign that you’re meant to be alive and do some special with your life. Just a thought.

Don’t really have anything else to say except to reiterate for you to hang in there, because things can get better. From someone who’s been suicidal for weeks on end and is now doing a lot better, I promise that this is true.

Will always be here to talk if you need me, Cassy. I check this post every day.

With you in spirit,
Dan

The reason why I unsuccessfully tried to drink my self to death, was because my friends and I were at a pub gig, a Cold Chisel cover band. The lead singer looked EXACTLY like this guy…could have been the identical twin. Or him, in the flesh, so to speak.

I’ve been suicidal for YEARS, since i was 11 years old. In that time, there might have been just a few days where it hasnt hurt so bad. Im 18 years old now. I look around this beautiful world, and wonder “Why me? Why am i here? Im not special. Im not anything” Which, as sad and pathetic as it sounds, i believe is true. I have no idea where my life is going, no idea HOW to face the life i’m given every day, and got no clue where the power comes from to make me get out of bed. Although the past couple days, i have not eaten, have not slept, and have not gotten out of bed. It was this time 4 months ago, exactly, that it all went down. A little too much to handle.

I honestly believe, i am here purely because of a fluke, i got no purpose. But on the other hand, i do believe in fate, and the fact that everyone has a purpose, and that everything happens for a reason. But i cant see MY purpose, i dont know WHY it HAPPENED. It just did. And me? Well, i just exist.

I cant go to the hospital. Im not covered by health insurance. But i guess if i get much worse, i wont have to worry about checking myself in…

Hey Cassy,

That’s great that you believe in fate - perhaps this is what you can cling to to keep you going. Even if you aren’t sure of your purpose yet or why everything happened to you, it will become clear at some point in the future. It will happen. Give it time. In the mean time - you need to get help, Cassy. You’re going through such an ordeal at the moment and I really think it would be best for you to spend some time in hospital to get yourself together and get the help you need. Public hospital’s are different to private hospitals - maybe you don’t need insurance at some, I don’t know. I really think it would be worth you looking into this though so that you can just take a break from everything and get some help so you don’t have to keep struggling alone. Perhaps after that you’ll have more of an idea of what your purpose in life is. Maybe Beyond Blue can suggest some options on this post for you?

Just hang in there Cassy - there is a way out of this, I promise. Just keep fighting and fate will work itself out. You’ve been through so much and haven’t quit - you’re so strong. I know you can do this.

Keep talking, Cassy. Don’t leave this shit all bottled up.
Always here for you,
Dan

Hi there Cassy,

Dan is right to be worried about you at the moment and it is worth ensuring that you are linked with the right supports.
Mental health services are public and free and exist to help people link in with the right treatment and support.

Sometimes hospital is a helpful thing for people in order to keep them safe and ensure that they get the right treatment. But, either way speaking with the crisis team from the public mental health system in your area could help. They will ask you some questions and assess you over the telephone to see what services you need. Hospital is only one option and is generally not used unless absolutely necessary.

You can use the quick links on this website to contact lifeline or kids helpline if you need some help immediately. In order to find out about your local mental health service you can see your GP or any GP in your area who can refer you to the local mental health service. Even if your GP is away it’s worth making an appointment with another one perhaps at the same clinic.

take care, and let us all know how you are going

Youth Beyondblue Team

I honestly just dont know what to do. It all seems far to scary. I’d rather sit in a dark corner and suffer in silence, than put myself out there to be dissected. I figure, there’s only so much falling apart someone can do before they have to start putting things back together again.

I cant think beyond 5 minutes right now, have no idea how to think about my future, and when i do, all i see is a lifetime of pain. Call me crazy, but it all seems too surreal. Actually getting the help, doesnt seem possible.

And yeah, i know im being a negative, selfish little bitch, but it’s so true. I just dont know how to face anything…little own facing the light of day, and showing my face in public. Like every person can see the disgusting, dirty aura around me, that just screams out “Attack me! I’ve already been raped by 2 different guys! Why not a third to top it off?!” Whether it’s true or not, It’s how i’ve seen myself for quite a while now.

Thanks again, Dan. Means a heap that you actually care, even though we dont know each other.

Hey Cassy,

I can relate to you when you say you don’t feel that you can think about your future and that all you can envision for yourself is a lifetime of pain. It’s a shocking feeling, I know. But that’s the depression talking - there is a way out of this, and it’s possible for you to get help and feel better. Even if you can’t see this right now, I really, really urge you to seek help. Once you do this, then you can start to feel better, and then you’ll be able to see that there’s much more to your future than just pain and suffering. Do you think you could just try it? Perhaps one of the options that Beyond Blue recommended above? The way I kind of thought about it when I felt like that was - ‘what have I got to lose’? And you’re right, it is scary to face it, but the way I thought about that was ‘can it really be worse than having to live with it now?’ It’s worth it, Cassy. Please try it. Give yourself the chance to get better and live the life you deserve. You’re strong - I know you can do this. And keep believing in fate. There’s a reason you survived. There’s a reason you’re alive. You’re going to do something amazing with your life, once you’ve gotten through all this shit. Since you believe in fate then perhaps you can draw hope from that thought.

Hang in there, Cassy. And keep talking - I’ll always be here if you need me.

With you in spirit,
Dan

Went to my doc yesterday. Got new medication prescribed. He believes that i am on the borderline of Bi Polar. With the stress and everything else, he believes i may become psychotic and develop Bipolar. So, things are worse than we thought. Ill see how the medication goes.

Hey Cassy,

Bipolar’s the illness that I have - it’s a real bitch but at the same time it’s very treatable. Before I was properly medicated (ie not taking bipolar medication) I was either always manic or always suicidal, but since switching to a bipolar medication I’ve been much better, so hopefully things can now look up for you. What medication did he prescribe you? Keep talking Cassy, if you want to ask me any questions about it or whatever then fire away.

Always here for you,
Dan

He prescribed an antidepressant. Day 2, and am feeling better, although, have had some weird dreams, nausea and drowsiness. It made my headache go away though, which i had for 3 days prior. Whether it helps in the long run, we’ll find out.
Oh, and i have also had a very weird appetite. Hungry, but not eating proper meals during the day.

Yeah, sure

Hey Cassy,

Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better - hopefully this medication can help you in the long run feel better too. Also think it would be a good idea for you to see a psych/counsellor etc or something to help you deal with all the trauma you’ve been through. I don’t think seeing just a doctor is enough. Do you have any plans to seek further help?

Take care,
Dan

Hey, yeah, i do feel a bit better, however, the side effects are getting worse. I do see a psychologist, must make another appointment.

Thanks for your help, Dan

Hey Cassy, i am really sorry for what you are going through, i can’t really relate to your experience but i just hope that you get some help. i got one thing to say is that don’t live in the past.

Its really good that you can talk to Dan about whats happening. I wish the best for you in the future.

Good Luck
Dan

Hi Cassy
I had read your story and all your post with support, All i can say is there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there. And Dan has given you some great tip’s.
I wish you Well

Sarah

That’s great to hear, Cassy. Are you starting to feel a little more hopeful that things can get better and that you can go on to live a happy life? Or are you not quite feeling that good yet?

Yeah, I think it would be really good if you saw a psych regularly. Like I said before, I have bipolar disorder, and the psych I see literally saved my life. I can’t emphasise how important they can be to you getting healthy again and living a happy life.

Keep talking, Cassy. Is there anything else you want to get off your chest? I’ll always be here to listen if you need me.

Take care,
Dan

Thanks, guys. All of you.

Not quite feeling that good yet, but feeling pretty good :). I will make an appointment, and i also go back to my GP next week, so we’ll see how that goes.

I think im good at the moment, if something comes up, i’ll let you know.

Thanks again, guys.

hey cassy,
just letting you know that we are here for you. you may not know us, but we are here to listen.
love,
Laura

Keep talking Cassy. This stuff often comes and goes (particularly if you do in fact have bipolar), so best to keep talking/seeing a psych etc all the way through so that you do in fact get better.

Will keep checking this post. Hope to hear from you.

Dan x

Thanks, Laura. Means alot.

Hi cassy,
It’s horrible that you had to go through that , I pray that you get through this difficult time in your life

Thanks, but it’s getting harder each day…not easier.

But at the same time, every time i say it, it does get easier.

hey cassy,

so sorry to hear about what you have been through. You can get through this, you are soo strong, keep at it girl!

xx

Cassy you’ve gotta keep hanging in there. How’ve you been doing lately? Give us all an update.

Always here for you,
Dan

Cassy,

You may not know it, and I know it may not seem like it, but there is a lot of people out there that will read your story, and will support you as much as they can. I give you my utmost support, and even though I don’t know you, I am hoping that one day, you will feel like you did before. We are all here for you, so next time you feel worse, just remember, we are all here, giving you support and hoping that you will get better.

Just keep being strong, good things come for those who wait <3

HI Cassey,
Im new at this but I have read ur story and ur not alone kiddo. I was only 12 years old when it happened to me the same way I’m 40 now still wear the scars as i was tired up and there was 7 of them. My mother did not believe me and was disgusted in me and didn’t want me my dad did tho but did not have the power to keep me so it was girls homes and foster homes for me till I was 15. The boys were never charged.
The night mares haunted me for years and years but with the right people around u it all comes to a ease. The nightmares stop, the fear of the dark comes to a ease (don’t worry I’m still abit wary of the dark and strange places)u think there is never a ending but there is. It still sits in the bak of ur mind but u find the strength to lock that dream away.This may sound strange to u but I thought of little gremlins that had nails and board and everytime I was going to into the nightmare I would call onto my little gremlins to help me put those boards up to lock it away so I don’t have to see it as weird and funny that sounded it worked. I did go to counsellors and it did help… But that wasn’t till I was 16 onwards I carried the nightmare with me for years before anyone would listen to me and understand why I was like I was.. it helped me move on become a mum.
Still I don’t like watching or hearing about rape victims but I will help ease the minds and nightmares. Drinking don’t help either kiddo the dreams is still there at the end of the bottle and the next day. It leaves u more vunlnerable to the dreams weakens the body and mind and that when it attacks u.
Once upon time u would of had great strength allow your body and mind to get that bak I will say it’s not easy but the more u talk about it the more u will find it going away and before u no it ur not talkin about it or dreaming anymore.
My heart goes out to u Cassey Im a stranger to u but I will listen to u and try and help the best way I can. Don’t be frighten to ask any question.
I am a mum of 4 wonderful children (teenagers) and about to marry for the 2nd time no one knows the truth about my past only the counsellors I spoke too.I have delt with it and moved on it took neally 20 years and my mind has been free of it for the remanding years. Little things may set it off again but my little gremlins are with me at all times.
Take Care Kiddo
Jackie

Hi Cassy

After reading your story, I can say that the only thing I can relate to is the aftermath. But I can share past experiences with you here about what it feels to be trapped inside an abyss.
I myself have stared into the eyes of suicide and come so close to carrying it out. But with help from my friends and family I overcame it and am slowly getting my life on track for the first time in 4 years.

You see, I probably have the softest heart ever built. A couple of years ago, it had me falling for 9 girls at the same time. It was crushing to deal with and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I eventually devised a plan to try and relieve the pressure (most of them did not know I had great feelings for them) which (once it got into the hands of a few people) went down in flames and before I knew it, I was seeing two counsellors for my problem. The plan I devised was I drew up something of a ‘conract’ that gave me ‘x’ amount of time to tell them all how I felt, which, of course I had never been capable of doing to one person. The penalty would have been death and at the time I struggled to tell one person and that was it.
Over the course of those horrific months, I began feeding of the misery and pain… I became obsessed with anything sad I could get my hands on: Sad Music, Memories… Seeing those people in person. It really put my mind at ease for a small period, you know? Then it would slap me in the face just as strongly as it had done when it was born.

But after a time, those accessories weren’t enough. I couldn’t really find anything to fill the hole anymore. I did think about declaring and make everyone’s lives easier if I ended mine. Then, I found a light; in the midst of all that darkness, I found a Silver Lining. I found a way around that long List and I narrowed that nine down to a 3-4.

After a time, that thing earned itself a name: ‘The List’. It might not sound menacing, but if you saw or heard about what it did, then you’d understand why I shudder to mention its’ very name.
I can still here that big voice inside my head saying ‘KILL YOUSELF! KILL YOUSELF! KILL YOUSELF!’

So I can certainly relate to your problem of not feeling acknowledged. I also know how it feels to be cut off from everyone else and to feel like no one is there for you… To be honest, the combination of reading your story and telling mine is making me cry. Because looking back on what I had built and watching ‘it’ spiral out of control seems just out of this world to me now. And to be honest some of the depression from those days still haunts me. So, I might not understand what you’ve been through, but I understand how you feel…
But it’s too late for me now. All I have left is bitter regrets and memories of things I wish I hadn’t done. But not for you, my friend. You can change. I can’t. I’ve done too many bad thins for that to be possible. I’ll probably burn in Hell because of what I did.

Just reading about your story and imagining the SICK BASTARD that would do a thing like that to you just sickens me right through what’s left of my heart.
I mean you obviously seem like a lovely person who does not deserve any of this and to think you had this experience… I admire you. You’ve survived physical abuse. You’ve been raped and yet you’re still here. You’ve experienced things that only happen to us maybe in our nightmares, and yet you’re still here. You may think you’ve reached the end Cassy, but believe me, my friend when I say: ‘You’re far from it.’ If anything this ordeal has made you stronger.
For God’s sake, don’t give in. In time (short time) you will overcome this immense pressure and your life will begin to get back on track. I try and think of some pieces of depression to be self-inflicted. In my experience, there were two of several driving forces that pushed my depression to the level it became: the miserable music I listened to and the fact that I deliberately revolved my thoughts entirely around the very thing that was destroying my life. I’m not saying that this is you but if any piece of your depression is one of those, then I strongly encourage you to steer away from it.

I sincerely hope my experiences can help you.

So please hold on, Cassy. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel which you will find. We’re all here for you if you need to talk. Just remember you’re not alone.

Take care of yourself Cassy.

Brad

Umm, thanks guys. I’ve been to a lawyer, and in Layman’s terms, im screwed. Cant do a thing about it. No charges, no justice. 5 months later, and i cant do a thing.

Brad, all due respect, you got NO IDEA how i feel. You’re no where near understanding my feelings or thoughts.

This guy DID ruin my life, and things wont ever be the same for me, or anyone around me, ever again. My family, friends and myself, we’ll just continue doing what we have for the past 5 months…bury it, and continue on with life. Despite the fact that i seriously dont want to be alive.

Hey Cassy,

I hope you’ve been doing a little better recently. While none of us (apart from maybe Jackie) understand what you’ve been through, many of us have returned from the abyss to rebuild our lives, so when we tell you to continue being strong and keep being hopeful because things really can get better, it’s from experience. And even though we can’t comprehend what you’ve been through, we will still always be here if you ever need to talk to us.

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? I still think this would be really helpful for you. I think you need to - somehow, and over time - let go of the anger, pain, frustration and all the negative emotions that has stemmed from what that guy did for you. I don’t mean to make light of what you’ve been through - obviously it was very traumatic - but I still think that it’s in your best interests to work at being able to let go of the negative emotions so that they don’t continue to eat away at you. I was at a seminar once where a man spoke of how his wife was raped with a glass bottle before being beaten to death. Obviously that really fucked him up, but he said the best thing he ever did was to work hard (by going to therapy etc) to gradually work through all the negative emotions and get to a place where he had total acceptance of what had happened - at this point, he was able to achieve closure, and move on with his life. His days were no longer dominated by pain and devastation, and he was, quite obviously, much happier for it. So yeah, I’d highly recommend seeing a psych for you to try and work through some of those issues/any others that you may have.

I hope you’re doing OK, Cassy. Please feel free to talk to me/us whenever you want.

Will always be here,
Dan

hey Cassy, what you must be going through is hell, but stay strong, and Dan has given some amazing advice there isnt many nice guys out there but he certainly seems to be one, i know its hard and something that cant be buried, my mum went through a similar thing.

l know you dont know me from a bar of soap, but if you ever need to tlk to someone just to even express how your feeling, i will be here if need to talk…

Yours truly BJ xo

Well, guys, i’ve been getting on with my life just fine the past few months. I just celebrated — YES! Celebrated, the 6 month anniversary of getting out of there! I’ve come to terms with the fact that i AM ALIVE, even when i should have DIED in that house. Things are getting alot easier for me. Im still being medicated, Still getting by, still working almost 5 days a week, I’ve stopped crying about it. I’m still seeing my shrink, and making lots of progress.

But i’ve got something else to look forward to…Im almost 100 percent certain i am having a baby! If that doesnt give me a reason to WANT to LIVE, then i dont know what will!

Wow, Cassy, that’s amazing. So happy that you’ve been getting better with accepting what’s happened and trying your best to move on, with making progress with your shrink, and with you having a baby. That’s awesome. Really really great stuff.

I really hope you continue to feel better, Cassy, and definitely keep us posted on how it’s all going.

Dan x

Yeah, it is all fantastic.
However, i’ve recently bounced back from finding out im not pregnant. Yet. But it will happen. Very soon! It is in the planning stages.

Im having one of my bad nights tonight, though. Feeling like im unwanted. But it’ll pass.

Hey Cassy,

You’re right, it’ll pass. Just keep hanging in there - there are better days ahead, as you know. Are you still seeing a psych?

Glad you’re doing better,
Dan

Yeah, i’m still seeing my shrink. Got an appointment in about a week, maybe less. Things are going okay, i guess. I saw him at my work a couple weeks ago. Didnt cope well, but was okay soon after. I hear his voice calling my name at night, outside my bedroom window. I hear footsteps outside my door when no one else is awake. I have nightmares and flashbacks to the point of murdering him. I think i need help

Hey Cassy,
I read your story, and I’ve been reading through the comments. You’ve come a long way since the beginning. It may seem you have ups and downs, and that the downs are quite severe and very hard for you to work through. We may all just seem like a bunch of people you don’t know - but every single one of us are here to help you, and to keep you talking about what’s on your mind. This is going to sound so old of me, but talking does help. I strongly believe this to be true.
Being a victim of rape myself, I know what you have gone through, and what you are still going through. I went through the same thing. But, as cliche as this is, there is light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to strive toward it and not look back. These repressed memories of yours will try to come back and make you remember, but you truly just have to continue to think positively, and the intensity of them will lesson. And you won’t want to murder this man any longer.

I feel very strongly for you Cassy. You are still young and this is quite traumatic for you to have experienced at your age. I am alway available to talk, I promise.

- Inez

Hey Cassie,
i can’t say too much about what happened. but one thing is for sure, i know that everyone here has been inspired by what you are doing and what you have done to overcome everything you have been through. Wish you all the best in life and all the success and happiness you deserve… Thank you for being such an inspiration to us youth.
- AP