My story

If you have been there how can I help my friend??

Hi,
When we were 14 my best friends father died after a battle with cancer. She didn’t deal with it well at all, and later told me that she had been told (tho as much as it breaks my heart I am more inclined to believe she couldn’t accept the actuality not that she was lied to) that he had a 30% chance of surviving when in reality as she found out later he was terminally ill from the start. I went away 2 weeks after his death but tried as hard as i could (phone calls, letters emails etc) while i was overseas to make sure she felt I was still there. Fast forward 5 years. At this point we had been best friends for 15 yrs. Then I became really unwell and for 13 months was battling a medical illness. The last 7 months of my treatment have included a drug that made me clinically depressed. I really struggled but she took a year off from uni, got a full time job with her cousin and in my eyes left me alone. We didn’t talk, she was always out with other friends never able to do anything with me (including on my birthday) etc. I found other people and whilst still really angry and hurt I moved on. However she is meant to be coming on a big overseas holiday with me and the friend who got me through my illness at the end of the year. Eventually I got to the point where i couldn’t deal with her coming cos it made me so angry and sad to be near her. So i confronted her. She was shocked i could feel that way ( in her eyes asking ‘hows things’ in the once or twice every 2 months i saw her was ’support’) but then told me she had just been diagnosed with depression directly related to her dad and i was the first person she had told. That was 3 months ago. I’m almost all good now, but she is getting worse and has stopped seeing a councillor cos she hated it. I dont know what to do. I cant erase the feelings of hurt even if im not angry anymore cos she was going through stuff too. but I cant be the person to support her. Im still ‘fragile’ and our friendship would be strained anyway. What do I do? Im still only one of 2 friends who know but under “normal” circumstances we wouldn’t be friends anymore. We cant not help her but neither is support coming from 2 ppl who are only being her friends cos she is hurting is useful either. I know I could try harder to be a better friend but It’s hard to put in words how deeply she shattered me and how much some of the stuff she said when I confronted her about how I couldn’t go on pretending she was my friend hurt. If she wont do another counsellor or GP do I break her confidence and tell her new group of closest friends? Do I force her to see someone knowing that if she hates me for it it probs wont make a difference to a fairly unrepairable friendship? In your experiences what do I do!!!

naughs

September 7, 2010

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