My story

Not Too Sure

Well, where to start? I know my Mum suffered from severe depression when me and my siblings were young. I know about her attempted Suicide thanks to my abusive dad and other issues, but she doesn’t know that i know that. Now that I’ve Been Married one Year at the age of 23 to a soldier in the Australian Army, i’ve started to feel changes within myself. I’ve always told myself that it wouldn’t happen to me. That I’m strong, and i will be ok, but now i just don’t know.

My Husband and the love of my life, has been a drinker since he was legally allowed. Not an alcoholic and not an overly frequent drinker, but he is a man who is only ok until he hits the end of his second 6 pack. After that it is difficult to get him to stop, and hell breaks loose sometimes if i try. I’m not a drinker. I think this may have been my trigger, but the last thing i want is to blame anything on the man i love. Mind you, this is one of his only major faults. Other than this, he is a truly brave and remarkable man, who i am extremely Proud of.

I have plenty of ‘Friends’ listed on Facebook, but i have not had a regular outting or any regular contact with them in at least 4 Years. I don’t talk to anyone about my relationship with my Husband out of fear of judgement and just general fear itself. I don’t really socialise with any of the friends i once considered close. None of them contact me to ask how I am, given that we have had a turbulant 1st year of marriage with my Husband training, and living, interstate for 10 of the last 12 months. We have recently been trying to get pregnant. Having children is what i have wanted since i was young. But i’m scared of what my possible depression may mean for our baby. I do not want to risk our child out of my own selfishness.

These days, i cry at the drop of a hat, and i’m extremely sensative to the smallest of criticisms or things that ‘hurt my feelings’ that my husband or others say or do. Even thoughts of suicide and self harm have crept into my mind. Mostly, i feel worthlessness and fear of the condition that caused my Mum so much anguish. She is the strongest person i have ever met, raising both me and my sister by herself, but even now, she sometimes lets the little cracks show through.

I suppose I’m petrified of what i do not understand. I have always been the strong one of the family, but i wonder now if that is the truth. I am hoping I can start to come to terms with my fear and hopefully overcome it and learn to cope. I’m setting myself a goal i am hoping is not insurmountable

SK

SK

September 1, 2010

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