What do you do when you feel like the whole world is against you, but you know it’s not. My life is perfect, I have wonderful friends, I have a caring family, I have a life and I have nothing too bad has happened to me. But I feel so alone.
I’ve tried telling my best friend that there is something wrong with me, but she has so many problems of her own to deal with, I don’t want to add to that. No-body else knows how I feel, and frankly I don’t think anyone else cares. “Why should I tell them, if they can’t see it”, I keep thinking. “If they don’t care enough to notice, then they wouldn’t care if I don’t tell them”.
My best friend wonders why I want to commit suicide, but I don’t have a reason, I just have this feeling, this urge. People would try to get me to go see a counsellor, but I don’t see how that is going to help. If I don’t know why I want to kill myself, what’s the point of talking about it? I don’t know. What do you do if you want help, but you don’t want it at the same time? I know I need help, but I know I won’t go looking for it, because I don’t want it.
I’m just so confused! I can’t sleep because I get a non stopping film of my past flashing over the back of my eyelids. And that includes my grandpa’s dying, betrayal from past friends, people stealing from me and me finding out, being bullied, and then it turns to past dreams I’ve had, well I wouldn’t exactly call them dreams, nightmares might be the better word. None of those is majorly bad.
But the one that is, is that I keep thinking about suicide, IN DETAIL!
I keep thinking that I won’t be able to do it, but I’m not so sure anymore. Last year I would never have thought about committing suicide, and now that I do I can’t stop. There’s only one thing stopping me from committing suicide and the way I’m going, it’s not going to be there much longer.
September 7, 2009